What do I know?
I was not the one in denial, he was. I didn’t see any ‘signs’ because I was not looking for any. They say that love is blind; I’d have to agree-it is also deaf and dumb, at least in my case. Many have questioned my inability to recognize the truth about whom he was. Perhaps I might have recognized who he was, if I had questioned whom he was. Perhaps his inability to be true to who he was is why I did not recognize or question him. He came across as secure and confident in who he was. Some are convinced I knew all along, and that I just chose not to see it. I know I was convinced-all along, he just chose not to tell me. I only knew who he said he was, only who he said he was, is not who wound up being.
I’ve had many people question my intelligence, and or point out my ignorance, for not having known what others claim to have ‘known all along.’ Perhaps if I had ‘known all along,’ as has been suggested, I would question my intelligence too, but seeing, as I was ignorant to his lies, I no longer question my wisdom. I could not know what I did not know. How could I question what I never knew? How could I know what to question, when I never questioned or doubted what I knew? When you believe and trust wholeheartedly in someone, you never think to question or doubt what you know. When you never doubt or question someone, it’s easy to trust and believe.
Many question if I suspected, if I had suspected there would be no question. I suspect if I had questioned I would have known, if I had known he was suspect. I would not have questioned, nor had to question, instead, I’d have known. Some question if I blame myself, if I’m responsible, or at fault. I blame myself for trusting him, and I’m responsible for loving him without fault. He is who he is, who he has always been, only who he is and who he has always been, is not who he told me he was.
Many believe he must have really loved me to deny the truth about himself for so long, and that his intent and motives were ‘pure.’ Perhaps if he had denied his physical needs as well as he denied the truth I might not question his love, intent, or motives. Unfortunately, he did not deny his urges or needs, nearly as well, or as frequently, as he did mine. If love is equated with honesty, loyalty, trust, devotion, and respect, I cannot help but question his love, motives, or intent. I'm sure there is a reason, or purpose, for why someone would exploit someone, in an effort to disguise who he was. I don't know what that reason or purpose is, but I have to believe he did not betray, lie, and hurt me, just because he could.
Not knowing what I could not know, and believing and trusting in what I knew, calls into question what I now know, and know now, because I question my ability to recognize or see the truth anymore. Nothing I knew to be true, turns out was ever true, everything I thought I knew I now know was not true. Knowing what I now know, and what I know now, might have proved useful, had I known then…but then again, what do I know?