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Are All Cheaters Serial Cheaters?

Updated on April 25, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

No one, NO one, NO ONE is perfect—and people do make mistakes; however, there is a big difference between screwing up once—and being remorseful—versus making the same "mistake" over and over and over again. Let's be real, when you continue to do something wrong, it's not a "mistake" you're just selfish and only care about yourself. Period!

We all have heard the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater," but is that always true? No, not necessarily, especially if their heart is in the right place. Meaning, they have come to see that cheating was wrong and they no longer desire to do it again or cause more hurt to the person they are in relationship with. If a person has a habit of cheating—in many of their relationships or with the current person they are with—then the act of change becomes even grimmer. Unfortunately, there are many selfish people who will never have the desire to change themselves to better any relationship they are in.

The reality, people are not perfect and one major imperfection is selfishness. Poor choices can happen, but again, when it keeps happening, that is blatant disrespect. When you are in a committed relationship you should do everything in your power to keep the commitment you have made. Temptation is always around if you're looking, but when you honor the person you are with you won't want to give into the temptation—nor look for it. In order for temptation to not happen, both people in a relationship have to be willing and WANT to work on keeping their relationship happy, spicy and fun.

There are many reasons why people claim they cheat:

  • They think the grass (someone else) is greener (better than you).
  • They are thrill seekers.
  • They are bored in their current relationship and instead of expressing and working on making things better (like grown adults) they cheat.
  • They have a moment of weakness.
  • Their ego needs fulfillment—they need to know that they are still sexually desired—(Unfortunately for some this need is never fulfilled).
  • They lack of self-love.
  • They don't feel they are appreciated by their significant other (again, be an adult and talk about it).
  • They are young (or immature) and don't know any better (although you should always know better).
  • They have intimacy issues.
  • Because they can—they cheat, say sorry and the person they are with continues to stay.
  • They have a sex addiction.
  • They are not satisfied with themselves, therefor they can't be satisfied with anyone else.

Although these "reasons" are frankly just excuses, can a person who cheats ever tame his dick?

Anyone can change if they want to, however if you have no respect for yourself you won't know what it means to respect another—and therefore will never see your actions as wrong. You end up lying to yourself and to others. The longer the lies go on, the easier it becomes to justify what you are doing. When you start justifying your poor behavior then it becomes easier to continue to do so. Also, you can't always put all the blame on a cheater. If you know a person is cheating and you continue to stay in a relationship with them, you are only enabling the situation, especially if monogamy is a foreign word to them.

A close friend of mine has a boyfriend who is a serial cheater. Don't get me wrong, when they first started dating he was "only about her." In the beginning they spend a lot of quality time together. He was great at "wooing her." He would take her to expensive dinners and surprise her with trips and gifts because he really was interested in her—for the first five weeks—but then he started cheating—A LOT. Now when she gets extravagant gifts it's either right before she finds out he has cheated—again—or after he has cheated—as a way of showing her how "sorry" he really is. Her lack of self-love has given him the power to treat her in whatever manner he chooses and she believes that when he apologizes with gifts then he must be really sorry—this time. Poor dear.

Maybe his apologizes might be sincere if his extensive desire to have his dick fall into other women was a onetime occurrence, but unfortunately, it's been a ten-time occurrence—that my friend knows about—so most likely he's cheated even more than that. Ugh! She has found used condoms, other women's undergarments, stains and inappropriate text messages. Yikes! Every time he cheats, he apologizes—with tears—because frankly, he wants to have his cake (my friend) and eat it too (other women). Seriously?!

What's frustrating—besides my friend tolerating his unacceptable behavior—is that he won't just be open and honest about being incapable of having a monogamous relationship with her. Or, being honest with wanting an open relationship. But, when you are dealing with someone who is selfish they don't care about anyone else or who they emotionally hurt. There are some people who need to stay single and there is nothing wrong with that...just be honest.

Often, cheaters don't reveal their indiscretions or if they do, they will minimize what happened or blame the other person. Many times you won't even know that you are dating or in a relationship with a cheater until it happens to you. Great. And once you have been cheated on, a huge trust is broken that can take a long time to not only get over but also to forgive—if you even can.

Not to say that cheaters can't be forgiven, they have to want forgiveness and truly realize what they did was wrong. They would need to take the steps that complement the change and rebuild the trust:

  • Going to therapy—couples therapy and therapy alone
  • Attending church, temple or religious/spiritual sanctuary
  • Change friendships—not hanging out with people that encouraged their bad behavior
  • Discovering the underlying cause of why they cheated
  • Being accountable for his/her actions

Here's the thing, you can't change a cheater, only the person who cheats can decide if they want to change their cheating ways. One poor choice doesn't have to lead to many. However, be mindful that they have that characteristic about them. Be smart. If a person can cheat so easily—especially in the beginning of a relationship—then most likely this is not their first rodeo when it comes to being unfaithful.

Bottom line, do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn't believe in right from wrong? If you can be monogamous then why would your expectations be lower for someone with whom you are in a relationship with? Do not accept less from your partner ever! If they cannot be honorable, then you must be true to yourself and leave the cheater behind. You deserve better...honestly.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 18 months ago

      ""once a cheater, always a cheater," but is that always true? No, not necessarily, especially if their heart is in the right place. Meaning, they have come to see that cheating was wrong and they no longer desire to do it again or cause more hurt to the person they are in relationship with." - Very true

      People say: "Once a cheater always a cheater" in order to (protect themselves) from getting involved with someone who has a history of cheating. However on it's face the statement is ridiculous.

      If it's possible for a drug addict to stop using drugs, an alcoholic to stop drinking, and a smoker to stop smoking it makes no sense to believe if one cheated at age 18 they're doomed cheat for the rest of their life!

      I believe "cheating" during the teenage and early 20s is often more about being too immature to commit Some promises made are "well intended" but either the person doesn't know his/herself well enough to know they're not "in love" or can't resist the thought of missing out on new and exciting opportunities be with other people.

      Youth is about being spontaneous/reckless at times.

      Unfortunately for many us the betrayal we experienced as teens or in our early 20s we allow to scar us for life. When one reaches their 30s, 40s and beyond it seems silly to hold an 18 year old kid responsible for our jaded point of view about love and relationships.

      I believe there are 3 types of cheaters.

      1. The Incessant Cheater

      This person has never been monogamous in long-term relationship. Try as they might monogamy for them is the equivalent of going on a very strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but rather (when). Their motto is: Variety is the spice of life!

      They get bored easily and are always in search a (new) thrill. You can be a lot of things to someone but you can't be "new". Typically this cheater is charismatic, holds court often with people laughing and falling under their spell as they flirt and use sexual innuendo easily with strangers.

      2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater

      He is not "proactively" looking to cheat but a "fantasy" fell into his lap. A co-worker he thought was "hot" actually hits on him! or She makes it known they could hookup while on a business trip...etc He caves into temptation! Monogamy is a (choice) not a DNA code. He may think if he doesn't "go for it" he may regret it for the rest of his life. Having said that this type of cheater may end up confessing weeks, months, or years later because the guilt is too much to bear.

      3. The Discontented Cheater

      He blames YOU! If you had done or stopped doing something he would have never ventured out of the relationship. Essentially you stopped having sex, took him for granted, complained more than you complemented and you don't make him feel "special" anymore. A stranger comes along and flirts with him, heaps praise upon him, and suddenly he wants to spend more time with her. She keeps saying how LUCKY his mate is to have him and how she would treat him if he were her guy. She empathizes when complains about the lack of love at home.

      People often say: If he's so unhappy he should have broke up or divorced. The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationships while addressing their other "needs" on the side. Cheaters want to (compliment) what they already have.

      Very few cheaters are looking to replace one relationship with another.

      Some people "instantly forgive" because the betrayal coupled with a breakup or divorce is too much for them to handle all at once.

      In some instances the cheater doesn't seek forgiveness.

      Ultimately each of us has to decide if cheating is a "deal breaker".