- Gender and Relationships
Are All Cheaters Serial Cheaters?
No one, NO one, NO ONE is perfect—and people do make mistakes; however, there is a big difference between screwing up once—and being remorseful—versus making the same "mistake" over and over and over again. Let's be real, when you continue to do something wrong, it's not a "mistake" you're just selfish and only care about yourself. Period!
We all have heard the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater," but is that always true? No, not necessarily, especially if their heart is in the right place. Meaning, they have come to see that cheating was wrong and they no longer desire to do it again or cause more hurt to the person they are in relationship with. If a person has a habit of cheating—in many of their relationships or with the current person they are with—then the act of change becomes even grimmer. Unfortunately, there are many selfish people who will never have the desire to change themselves to better any relationship they are in.
The reality, people are not perfect and one major imperfection is selfishness. Poor choices can happen, but again, when it keeps happening, that is blatant disrespect. When you are in a committed relationship you should do everything in your power to keep the commitment you have made. Temptation is always around if you're looking, but when you honor the person you are with you won't want to give into the temptation—nor look for it. In order for temptation to not happen, both people in a relationship have to be willing and WANT to work on keeping their relationship happy, spicy and fun.
There are many reasons why people claim they cheat:
- They think the grass (someone else) is greener (better than you).
- They are thrill seekers.
- They are bored in their current relationship and instead of expressing and working on making things better (like grown adults) they cheat.
- They have a moment of weakness.
- Their ego needs fulfillment—they need to know that they are still sexually desired—(Unfortunately for some this need is never fulfilled).
- They lack of self-love.
- They don't feel they are appreciated by their significant other (again, be an adult and talk about it).
- They are young (or immature) and don't know any better (although you should always know better).
- They have intimacy issues.
- Because they can—they cheat, say sorry and the person they are with continues to stay.
- They have a sex addiction.
- They are not satisfied with themselves, therefor they can't be satisfied with anyone else.
Although these "reasons" are frankly just excuses, can a person who cheats ever tame his dick?
Anyone can change if they want to, however if you have no respect for yourself you won't know what it means to respect another—and therefore will never see your actions as wrong. You end up lying to yourself and to others. The longer the lies go on, the easier it becomes to justify what you are doing. When you start justifying your poor behavior then it becomes easier to continue to do so. Also, you can't always put all the blame on a cheater. If you know a person is cheating and you continue to stay in a relationship with them, you are only enabling the situation, especially if monogamy is a foreign word to them.
A close friend of mine has a boyfriend who is a serial cheater. Don't get me wrong, when they first started dating he was "only about her." In the beginning they spend a lot of quality time together. He was great at "wooing her." He would take her to expensive dinners and surprise her with trips and gifts because he really was interested in her—for the first five weeks—but then he started cheating—A LOT. Now when she gets extravagant gifts it's either right before she finds out he has cheated—again—or after he has cheated—as a way of showing her how "sorry" he really is. Her lack of self-love has given him the power to treat her in whatever manner he chooses and she believes that when he apologizes with gifts then he must be really sorry—this time. Poor dear.
Maybe his apologizes might be sincere if his extensive desire to have his dick fall into other women was a onetime occurrence, but unfortunately, it's been a ten-time occurrence—that my friend knows about—so most likely he's cheated even more than that. Ugh! She has found used condoms, other women's undergarments, stains and inappropriate text messages. Yikes! Every time he cheats, he apologizes—with tears—because frankly, he wants to have his cake (my friend) and eat it too (other women). Seriously?!
What's frustrating—besides my friend tolerating his unacceptable behavior—is that he won't just be open and honest about being incapable of having a monogamous relationship with her. Or, being honest with wanting an open relationship. But, when you are dealing with someone who is selfish they don't care about anyone else or who they emotionally hurt. There are some people who need to stay single and there is nothing wrong with that...just be honest.
Often, cheaters don't reveal their indiscretions or if they do, they will minimize what happened or blame the other person. Many times you won't even know that you are dating or in a relationship with a cheater until it happens to you. Great. And once you have been cheated on, a huge trust is broken that can take a long time to not only get over but also to forgive—if you even can.
Not to say that cheaters can't be forgiven, they have to want forgiveness and truly realize what they did was wrong. They would need to take the steps that complement the change and rebuild the trust:
- Going to therapy—couples therapy and therapy alone
- Attending church, temple or religious/spiritual sanctuary
- Change friendships—not hanging out with people that encouraged their bad behavior
- Discovering the underlying cause of why they cheated
- Being accountable for his/her actions
Here's the thing, you can't change a cheater, only the person who cheats can decide if they want to change their cheating ways. One poor choice doesn't have to lead to many. However, be mindful that they have that characteristic about them. Be smart. If a person can cheat so easily—especially in the beginning of a relationship—then most likely this is not their first rodeo when it comes to being unfaithful.
Bottom line, do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn't believe in right from wrong? If you can be monogamous then why would your expectations be lower for someone with whom you are in a relationship with? Do not accept less from your partner ever! If they cannot be honorable, then you must be true to yourself and leave the cheater behind. You deserve better...honestly.