- Gender and Relationships
Are You In Love With The Idea Of Being In Love?
Being in love is an amazing feeling, who wouldn't want that? But, being in actual love is completely different from being in love with the idea of love.
The idea of love will keep your love goggles on longer—causing you to ignore any or all Red Flags (Warning signs)—that the relationship you are in is Not the right one.
I have seen many women who are so in love with the thought of being and having love that they will in turn make up stories of how perfect the guy they are dating is or how great the relationship is...even when it isn't. When obvious red flags creep in....they will have the perfect excuses or reasons to support any doubts or concerns that friends or family members might have so they can stay in this delusional love bubble that they have created.
I knew a woman who loved to be in love—convincing herself that every guy she met was "the one." She had been in love so often that I honestly couldn't keep track. Whether the relationship lasted a few days, weeks or possibly months—she would be heartbroken in tears claiming how much she was in love. Really? How? There was barely enough time that was actually spent getting to know the majority of the men she dated to develop true love.
As I got to know this woman and spend more time with her, what was hard (and frankly sad) to watch was how almost every relationship this woman entered became like a plane crash that I had a front row seat to. I could see the tragedy that was about to occur but could not stop it. Her obsession to be in love blinded the true reality. All she saw was love and hopeful potential of finding the guy who would marry her and soon have a family together. The reality she was experiencing was far from what was actually occurring—men who treated her disrespectfully, played emotional games and cheated—but her delusions blinded her judgement.
Speaking of judgement, many women find themselves wanting to be in love so desperately that they throw out all reason, rationality and frankly basic common sense in order to have love—ignoring multiple red flags.
Here's the thing ladies, Red Flags that appear in a relationship are usually there for a reason—To Warn You—pay attention. Obviously in any relationship we can look for what we think is a red flag—but the "nitpicking" red flags are not what I'm referring to—FYI, those can potential keep you single for the rest of your life. The obvious red flags that I am talking about that tend to get overlooked from women that are in "la-la land" with the idea of being in love are:
- He always drinks heavily when you go out
- He always comes to your place but you have never been to his place
- When he's hanging out with his "friends" he never picks up the phone or texts you back
- You never see him over the weekends
- He only uses cash every time you go out
- When you’re out together and he gets mad he will leave you—not caring how you find your way home
- He never spends the night
- His communication—phone calls, texts, making time for you—has dramatically worsened since you first started dating
- It’s easy for him to disrespect you and use hurtful word
Basically...women who wants love so badly will ignore All the red flags that are in front of them—making up stories to their friends and themselves about how great the relationship they are in is—even when it's not. This false perception of fantasy love becomes unhealthy.
I have a friend who immersed herself so deeply with the idea of being in love that she married a guy who had Major red flags when they dated that continued even on their wedding day—which should have been the happiest day of her life...but it wasn't. On her wedding day, my friends soon to be husband called her the "C" word—and I don't mean cute or caring—this word was Very derogatory. My friends excuse was that her fiancé was “once again” angry and stressed out. Seriously?!! So that meant it was OK to take it out on her?
Instead of calling off the wedding—which she should have done—she married him because the thought of love not working out was more scary to her versus being in an unhealthy relationship. Needless to say the marriage sadly did not work—he became not only emotionally abusive but also physically.
My friend was in love with the idea of being in love so badly, that she completely ignored major red flags just so that she could have the marriage, the house and the child...which she did, but then ended in a nasty divorce that she could have avoided. What my friend failed to understand was that she needed to fully love herself first—which she lacked—before getting in a relationship.
Lack of self-love is the biggest catalyst to why women desperately hold on to the idea of being in love that they will date whatever man that will give them attention.
In my friends mind because she lacked self-love, she believed that she wasn't worthy unless she had a husband as well as a child—and was willing to put up with anything—including an abusive husband. Luckily, with time, supportive friends, family and a great therapist, my friend gained self-love. She realized that the idea of love was not the same as true love and stopped desperately looking for this fantasy.
Wanting love is natural. You should want love and be excited to have that one day in your life but be realistic once you find it. Know that true love—meaningful lasting love—takes time. If you are rushing the process stop and ask yourself why. True love won't fade quickly. When you take time to know someone, the love—if it's really there—will only become stronger...enjoy this journey.
Ladies, when you're so wrapped up in the idea of being in love you are setting yourself up for how a man might mistreat you—using you for sex, giving you false hope for a future together, playing mind games, and even more lies to fuel your dating desperation. Always be hopeful that you will indeed find lasting love. Just know the difference between actual true love and never forgo your inner happiness over any lame fantasy you are creating to replace the love you should have for yourself. You're better off waiting patiently than rushing or forcing something that isn't genuine. Be okay with the idea of always loving yourself first and the rest will follow.
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