Best projectiles to throw at your spouse and when it is advantageous to do so
There are advantages to having a good throwing arm in a relationship
What projectiles should actually be thrown?
The answer to this question, that has befuddled the greatest minds in the study of relationships since the dawn of History, is to consider the nature and identity of the spouse in question and the object you need to achieve in throwing a projectile in the first place.
Since life first began on this planet, there have been occasions when a well-aimed blunt or sharp object, can, not only enhance a flagging relationship, but in some cases, can actually save the life or the reputation of either the thrower or the throwee.
With that notion in mind, I propose to list some situations in both human and animal society, when it would be very advantageous to have the appropriate missile to hand.
Throwing projectiles within the animal kingdom
I would strongly advise all male praying mantises to only approach their spouses from the rear, and to always be armed with a net, to throw over their beloved's head prior to any form of lovemaking. This is due to the unfortunate tendency of the female of that species to dine on their husbands after the act of love has been performed. Alternatively, I suggest that they encourage their wives to take up smoking, as a less lethal form of post coital exercise.
Most species of male spiders ought to do the same as their mantis counterparts, except that they could make their own nets, instead of having to sell their bodies to entomologists to get the money to buy nets, like the mantises would all have to do.
A female great white shark should throw the body of a diver at her husband’s head, (If she really wants to keep him that is). But if the diver is a politician, she should avoid doing so, as they are all "Hot Air", and will either deflate, or explode, on the first bite. This could be either fatal for her husband, or her marriage.
Projectile throwing for historical characters
To Adam, my suggestion would be that he should throw rotten apples at his wife Eve. She should have flung one at the serpent, instead of eating it, thus saving God and Man a lot of hassle and grief ever since.
Cleopatra should have thrown the carpet at Julius Caesar and knocked him into her bath of asses’ milk. It might not have changed anything in history but it would have given generations of students something to laugh at.
Any one of the six wives of Henry VIII should have always have had a hatchet to throw at his head,(usually around two years into the marriage). It would have been very important for them to have known that.
Alternatively they could throw their pearls at his feet, as he was a big fat pig, and they would be throwing their "pearls before swine".
Countess Dracula could throw the key of the local blood bank at her husband. This suggestion is not original. It was taken from a list called "What to give a bloodsucking monster that appears to have everything". The same gift would be ideal for throwing at Sadamm Hussein, George Bush Jnr, Tony Blair, Nicolai Ceauscescu; or indeed, any Finance Minister. Depending on your country, just pick the appropriate name. They are all the same.
Josephine Beauharnais, should throw a one inch condom at her husband, Napoleon Bonaparte. That is all that he would need to cover his one inch "mini manhood" I know it was tiny because it is in a museum and I remember seeing a picture of it.
Eva Braun should have thrown a hand grenade at the head of her husband, Adolf Hitler. If she had done it prior to 1933, she could have saved the world a lot of trouble.
Mrs Elvis Presley should have spent her time throwing guns loaded with blanks at her husband. Then he could have shot televisions without breaking them.
Throwing things comes up to date
Mr Sarah Palin should throw a gag at his spouse, and suggest she wear it permanently, alternatively, he could throw her a mouth shaped foot spa, as putting both feet in her mouth seems to be a natural thing for her. Mrs Mitt Romney should do the same for her husband.
Michelle Obama needs to throw a bag of cat litter at her husband. If you want to find out why this should be check it out here.
Alternatively both female spouses might throw their husbands at the opened jawed head of a Great White shark. The world would probably prostrate itself in gratitude.
I'm sure there are many more candidates for having objects thrown at them. I will leave it to the reader's imagination to think up some more.