- HubPages»
- Gender and Relationships»
- Marriage»
- Happy Marriages
Choosing to Love Your Spouse
. . . until death do us part.
What does it Mean to Choose to Love your Spouse?
Choosing to love your spouse is the best possible gift you can give to them, as well as, yourself. We're all human, and we all make mistakes. At times, these mistakes can make us quite unlovable. Despite this, there’s generally someone who is willing to show us grace and love us anyway. Usually, this someone is a parent or spouse.
Is choosing to love your spouse always easy? Not by any means!
Is choosing to love your spouse worth it? Absolutely!
What does “choosing to love your spouse” really mean? Let’s look at that now.
Your Relationship is …
I’m sure you've heard the quote, "You are what you think." And if you look at your life, and the lives of those around you, I believe you'll see this to be true. If you spend your time thinking of only bad things then typically only bad things will come your way. Your demeanor cannot help but draw people and circumstances into your life that will cause this to be true.
Along the same lines, if you spend your time thinking about positive things, the image you project to others will be quite different than someone who is thinking only about negative things. Positive people and things will be drawn to you.
I want to present this thought to you - your relationship is what you think. If you spend the majority of your time focusing on the shortcomings of your spouse, then that is what you will most likely notice about them. However, if you focus on what is good and right about your spouse and your relationship with them, your love for them will remain strong and continue to grow because you will notice the wonderful things they add to your life and your relationship.
Where is your focus?
By focusing on what is right and good, instead of the negative in our loved one or our relationship with them, we are really focusing on the other person. When we focus on what is wrong and/or bad, our focus is on us and how our needs are not being met.
By focusing on what is right and good, we focus our attention entirely on the other person, and we find that we can be grateful for who they are and what they have bought into our lives. It all is a matter of where we place our focus – on the positive or the negative.
Focus on:
- the things you really like and love about them
- creating a life together now and in the future
- your spouse's needs more than your own
Questions to ask yourself that will remind you how much you still love them.
- What about your spouse really excites you?
- What about your spouse really makes you happy?
- What if something happened to your spouse and they were no longer a part of your life? What would you miss most about them? Do they know that you feel this way – that you love and appreciate this quality in of them? It might be time to let them know!
Choosing to Love Your Spouse
There are things that anyone can do to demonstrate their choice to love their spouse. Let’s look at some of these things now.
- Respect – It is imperative for you to respect yourself and your spouse. Generally, if respect is given, respect will be reciprocated. It is essentially a win-win situation. Both partners receive and give what is beneficial to the relationship, and the relationship prospers.
- Friendship – Being friends with your spouse is important. Friends choose to spend time together doing things that they both enjoy. This strengthens their friendship and binds them together. Friends generally find common ground and build their relationship on that. They also communicate with each other, sharing their lives, their dreams, their hopes, and their sorrows. This too binds them closer. All of these things will strengthen your relationship with your spouse.
- Continue to Date Each Other – How many times have you heard the advice that couples should have date nights? There is a reason for this. Dates allow you to spend time with each other focusing only on each other. It gives you the opportunity to show your spouse how important they are to you without all the distractions of life.
- Romance - Romance was important when you were dating, and marriage did not change its importance. It is still important. Romance keeps the fires burning.
- Communicate – Communicate with each other on a regular basis, openly and honestly.
Be sure to tell your spouse that you love them every single day! Always remind yourself how fortunate and blessed you are to be able to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Even if you find your relationship to be in one of those dry periods, keep reminding yourself how fortunate and blessed you are, saying it out loud if necessary, until you once again believe it is true.
"It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to re-ignite a spark!"
It would be somewhat pointless to talk about loving your spouse and not consider the aspect of physical intimacy in a relationship. Physical intimacy is a spiritual, as well as physical, union between two people. It is an important ingredient for a healthy relationship with your spouse. This kind of intimacy in a relationship requires love, trust, and respect. It is something that each couple has to work out together to determine what works best for them and their relationship, but it is vital to a healthy relationship.
A Great Book About Making Marriage Work
Marriage, and Love, Takes Two
In order for the relationship to truly work, both partners have to want to make it work. As in all relationships, there will be an ebb and flow, good times as well as not so good. Sometimes the relationship will be going well, and sometimes one or both partners get distracted and do not focus on the relationship and each other as much as they should.
This is normal and does not mean that we have "fallen out of love." It only means that you need to continue communicating your needs, hopes, and desires with each other, working together to fulfill your dreams, and soon the relationship will be once again be all that it was meant to be.
Love that lasts a lifetime takes time, effort, and commitment - by both partners.
In answer to the question: What is the best way to stay in love with your spouse?The short answer to the question is - you make an active choice to do so!
© 2012 Cindy Murdoch
Comments: Choosing to Love your Spouse
AUTHORjenbeach21 - I agree with you. Many people have found it way too easy to walk away rather than work on it. And sometimes I think the cause could even be boredom because the relationship is not as new and exciting as it once was. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Love this hub! I think too many people these days have unreasonable expectations on what a marriage should look like. When things get tough it is far easier to walk away than to make the choice to put in the work. Love is a choice not just a feeling!
- AUTHOR
I think that so many times we have to choose to love, because no one is ever going to meet all of our needs all of the time. I also believe that it is wise to take time to choose well before too many other passions get in the way.
If more people who were in troubled times or suffered emotional distances made a deliberate choice to love their spouse and acted that way, there would be far fewer divorces. And if those who made children without marriage made the choice to love the person they were with after the wild passion died, they'd be able to create a lasting family for their children.
- AUTHOR
Those who remain in abusive relationships lack respect for themselves. I do so love your advice - Love the one you're with! Thanks so much for sharing your insight!
- AUTHOR
Thanks so much for stopping by, emilybee!
- AUTHOR
I like what you said that the starry-eyed love. When love is new that is exactly what it is, but as it matures, it turns into so much more and it is so easy to take it for granted. I hope that many more people realize this concept to be true. Thanks so much for stopping by!
I think that what you say is definitely true, it is a choice to remain active in a relationship. I think it is important to note too that in some relationships such as physically or emotionally abusive ones, it is very important to accept that no amount of work is going to change things. I also think that in order to have a successful relationship with another, a person must love and respect themselves firstly. I think it is true that what you put into a relationship you get back. Everybody is human and faulty including our selves and if we cannot accept faults in others we cannot expect them to accept faults in us. I think it is good advice to "love the you're with"
Great hub! I am bookmarking this one! Voted up.
I truly believe in this approach to love. We may have stars in our eyes at first, but after our vision clears, we need to consciously choose to continue in a relationship, despite what might happen to either of us, or the changes that come along. Very useful hub, and very important.
- AUTHOR
DonnaCosmato - a big thumbs up to you. Thanks for your wonderful comment. I really appreciate it!
jusherwine35 - thanks for sharing your take on what love and marriage are.
Thanks to both of your for stopping by and commenting!
- AUTHOR
Emma Harvey - I am glad that you were able to relate to this article from the positive and the negative aspect. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
mann101955 - thank you.
Sunnie Day - Thank you Sunnie! You sound like you could relate.
Dr.Ope - It is so easy to focus on that which we want to change because it makes us unhappy. That that does not bother us is often ignored. But we all should focus on the positive.
cclitgirl - thanks so much. I am glad that you enjoyed it.
Thanks to all of you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
- AUTHOR
tillsontitan - I think for both of us the proof is there. If you are both committed to the relationship from the very beginning and work together, nothing can tear you apart! I know we have been through things that have torn other couples and families apart!
Happyboomernurse - you have hit the nail on the head. Although at times I miss the constant excitement of the new love, the mature love has its benefits and it is the one that lasts for the long haul.
Motown2Chitown - It is good to hear that you are committed to each other. With an attitude like that, you will make it work for the long haul.
teaches12345 - I think it is wonderful that you record your dates! It gives you something wonderful to look back on. It reminds me of another hub I have written: https://hubpages.com/holidays/Giving-Thanks-on-Tha...
Ruchira - thanks so much. I appreciate it.
And thank all of you for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
Marriage is a want not a need, true genuine love comes from the heart not an excuse or using a person by saying that you love them when you don't because of personal or selfish reasons, marriage is not a jail house commitment Marriage says that both parties says that I know you and love you so much and I love you more then myself, when you hurt I hurt, when you cry I ask what is wrong or what can I do to help,it says when you don't understand lets communicate to find out, marriage says you make me feel like I have never felt before, and marriage also says for those who says what if someone is lying mariage is action not words it will say that everyday I awake and see you i have that same feeling inside of a shyness and wanting so much to make her happy and if she is not he works hard to do that, and if someone is still skeptical to know one is to know one who has and is GOD fearing with GOD in there life fully but not perfectly, marriage says that although I work around beautiful women who Try to tempt me there is no feeling that would have you live in infedelity. Love is not a mystery but the way you feel when you really love someone is a mystery.!
These are excellent tips from start to finish but the quote was what really grabbed my attention. It is easier to keep the fire going, and your advice is a wonderful way to keep fanning the flames. Good luck on completing your challenge successfully; I believe in you:)
Aww, I love this! Having a harmonious relationship with your spouse needs to be high on the list of priorities. I completely agree with the part about respecting yourself. How can anyone respect you if you don't respect yourself first? Great words!! Voted up and across.
Your hub is really informative. It is so true that sometimes we spend a lot of time focusing on the negative things or what we consider the 'shortcomings' of our partner, that we fail to see the positive or good things. I am guilty of this. Thank you for this inspiring hub.
Beautiful hub Cindy with many valuble truths.
Thank you
We are lucky to have such great writer.
Thanks.
What a lovely hub. I wondered what the title meant, but as I read it all become so clear.
Luckily I can relate to it (lucky for my own relationship!). You do choose to love your partner. In my past relationship, I chose not to love him. I looked at the negative all of the time - so much so, I never thought I was capable of being in a relationship. But finding the right 'one' means loving everything they do, and the negative is endearing.
Thanks for this - another well written hub.
Your beautiful hub has conferred that love does grow with age IF an effort made by both :)
Voted up Cindy and sharing :)
- AUTHOR
tammyswallow - good luck and congratulations on your coming nuptials. You seem to understand what it takes to make it work.
TENKAY - I like how you were able to share how things changed when you made the decision to choose to love your spouse. Thanks for sharing this affirmation!
savanahl - I agree with you - marriage does take a lot of work. Thanks for sharing.
Enigmatic Me - I believe that the opposite is absolutely true. If you choose not to love your spouse, then I believe that that is exactly what will happen. I do not believe that is the reason that divorce is so prevalent because I do not think that many people make this choice. Thanks for sharing your views on this topic.
VirginiaLynne - As you point out, it is a choice. But in order for it to truly work, both parties must make that choice!
Thanks to all of your for stopping by!
I love your quote, "It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to re-ignite a spark!" If we would only remember this when we communicate with our spouse, we would prevent a lot of tears, harsh words and broken trust. Your suggestions will keep a relationshiop strong and healthy. My hubby and I follow your date night idea. We've been doing this for two years now and record our adventures of each one. Voted up!
Awesome! Voted up and all that. :) My husband and I have been through a lot in our short marriage, and we have CHOSEN to love each other no matter what. Too few folks understand that marriage is a lifetime commitment, which means it will require our attention and devotion for a lifetime. Great hub!
What a wise and practical answer to a great question.
I do believe that mature love is a choice and you've done a wonderful job of listing what's involved with making that choice.
Romantic love has its ups and downs but for the long haul commitment, choosing to focus on the positive things we like about our spouse, choosing to nourish our relationship with them, spend time and shared activities with them and communicate with them in a meaningful way will keep mature love vital and still passionate.
Voted up, useful, awesome, beautiful and interesting.
Okay homesteadbound, I was 19 and my husband was 23 when we got married 45 years ago! Your hub is so very correct. You can't take advantage of your love or your relationship. You chose to love each other when you said "I do" so it's important to keep that love alive. Nicely done. Voted up.
- AUTHOR
alphagirl - The things that you listed are very important for the relationship to prosper.
stephhicks68 - I am glad that you and yours have had a relationship that you have both chosen to maintain. It is definitely easier to kindle the fire... than to ignite the spark once the fire has gone out. That is why we have to continually work on our relationships.
L.L. Woodard - I agree - we need to move away from "me-ness" and into "we-ness" for the marriage to truly work!
Thank all of you for stopping by!
Such an important point--we fell in love once and can fall in love again if we focus on making that work. I'd also recommend "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat.
I like that you took the time to write what is so valid, and so forgotten in this generation. I've been married a short while (5 yrs) and I wholeheartedly feel what you wrote. Its something that is true. However, the fear in reading something like this is the opposite could also be true. I can simply decide not to love my wife and that would be enough for me to dissolve what we have attempted to build. Today's generation of quicky marriages and divorces, high impact relationships (lots of lust, lack of truth, lack of passion and connection) brings people's 'everyday grind' into the realm of insurmountable chaos never to be righted.
It's a hard path the one of love and honesty. It is a choice. And by today's standards it is harder to maintain relationships, not alone marriages.
I appreciate the sentiment, and believe in what you have written, I also feel that these goals are not enough for some people to maintain their marriage, and some will not have the wherewithall to understand that maybe the lust had whisked them into a relationship that could not carry the amount of responsibility a marriage includes.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful information. You have some really great ideas for having a great marriage. I've always said that being in love is easy but staying married is a lot of work, and the work begins after the honeymoon phase is over. I'll definitely be bookmarking this to read again. Voted up and useful.
I choose to love my spouse. When I reached this decision all my tantrums, our arguments, and negativity around the house diminished slowly and I want to believe, is gone now.
I am happier after I decided to love my spouse, despite ...
Thanks for sharing.
Great advice Cindy. I am going to enter my second marriage this week (we have been together a LONG time), but these words are certainly true. A great relationship and marriage takes a lot of work and mindfullness. I think people dive into to marriages to early. When that infatuation stage ends, many people discover they didn't find someone that could be their best friend. I will reflect on these words. :) Great hub!
- AUTHOR
cebutouristspot - As long as both parties in the relationship makes the commitment to do what it takes, then the marriage is more likely to last.
RealHousewife - I have to laugh as what you said - your were young when you got married at 22. I had just turned 21 and my husband was getting ready to when we got married. So I guess that makes us really young. When he proposed after one month of dating, we wanted to get married that summer, but for financial reason had to wait for 2 years til one of us finished school and could support us. I do agree with you though, that if you work together thru the hard times it will draw you closer together.
Thanks to both of you for stopping by!
People in committed relationships understand exactly what you have described here in your hub. Hopefully the "me-ness" thinking that prevailed in the 1980s and 1990s and people will begin to see that a marriage isn't just a honeymoon.
I enjoyed reading your take on this important topic.
Voted up and SHARED.
I love the statement that its easier to kindle the fire than to re-ignite the spark. We are coming up on 17 years of marriage (more than 20 years together). Its definitely been up and down, but I am so glad we have worked through issues by choosing love.
I think marriage is like a plant. It needs warmth, sunshine, water, nurturing to grow. It takes understanding, respect and patience.
- AUTHOR
DeborahNeyens - I am lucky to be married to a great guy as well who was able to be the inspiration for this article.
J.S.Matthew - thanks for the points you have added with your comment. And thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing
Thanks to both of you for stopping by!
All so true Homestead...I've been married twice...very young the first time...(22) and I think I know the difference between a good relationship and a bad one. Positivity is absolutely vital. Every single marriage will have ups and downs...but I think what has turned into a 20 year relationship for myself and current husband is facing our problems as a team! When we fought financial issues as a young family - we didn't blame each other for example - we talked and worked out a plan to fix things together. I heard the advice like "be a team!" but I had no clue what that really meant until we faced some of our hard days.
Touchy ... Marriage is always a work in progress. Yup I agree with your first statement choosing to love your spouse in a manner that is truly and condition-less is the greatest gift you can give them. Thanks for sharing
- AUTHOR
Rolly A Chabot - Thanks Rolly - I am pleased that you enjoyed it!
What a beautiful Hub homesteadbound! I especially like the points you made in the "Choosing To Love Your Spouse" section of this Hub Article. Respect for yourself and your partner while keeping a friendship are the foundation to a successful marriage.
It is imperative that couples communicate and never stop "dating" to keep their relationship alive. I have been married for 3 years now and I can appreciate this Hub very much!
The best point you have made is that "Loving Your Spouse Is A Choice"! We have to decide to want to and work at it every day. This is a great guide for people who want to be in a happy relationship with their spouse!
Voted and SHARED as always! Good Luck in the Challenge and keep up the Great Work!
JSMatthew~
- AUTHOR
Anamika S - thanks so much. For the relationship to be all that it can be, both people have to want it and be willing to work at it.
Ruby211 - I hope that you will always feel that blessed. I have been married for 32, and I too feel blessed!
Rusticliving - I am pleased that you enjoyed it. I was inspired by my wonderful spouse.
lord de cross - I was happy to use your great poem. Thanks!
And thanks to all of you for stopping by and reading!
This is awesome advice, Cindy. I'm lucky to be married to a great guy who's always pretty easy to love. : )
Well written as always...
Hugs
What a ride! Am I getting old? I was missing my popcorn and my juice to finish reading this lovely hub! Thanks for the mention! Love keep our world moving around....and around! Voted up!
LORD
What a beautiful and poignant article Cindy! Great examples of maintaining that spark. Voted up and shared all over. Kudos!
Lisa
This is beautifully written. My husband and I have been married for 6 years with three children. I know six years isn't long but no matter how bad the night before was I wake up every morning so glad at how blessed I am that I have been given another day with him. Thankyou for sharing this!
Awesome Hub! Marriage is a lifetime commitment and to be happy one has to keep the love and romance alive in the relationship. Whether you want to be miserable or happy in a relationship solely depends on you.Voted up and shared on facebook.
48