Cut loose from the abuse
Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet
Why are some of us always victims?
Abuse. It comes in so many forms, some are blatant and other subtle. It can happen to us at home, at work or even in the street. Some people go through life never being abused. They are the lucky ones. Others, like me, often end up the victim of abuse. It's like I have 'Doormat' or 'Free to be abused' tattooed onto my forehead. I hate conflict and will avoid it if at all possible. I am a people-pleaser and love to make people happy. I am a Rescuer, I'll always make sacrifices to help those in need. I struggle to say NO. All these qualities, make me a prime candidate for someone who can be used and abused.
My ex-husband was very abusive, a diagnosed sociopath. When he entered a room he could be charming and the life and soul of the party. But more often than not, it was like a dark cloud of doom entering the room, and I lived a lot of my ten years with him in fear. I remember hiding away from him in cupboards. He didn't physically abuse me, but I was terrfied of his anger and the things he'd say to me. When he threatened to kill us all and himself in one of his maddened states of depression, I decided it was time to go. We got assumed names and fled to another city, arriving there destitute as my next door neighbour who had helped us, stole all my money and any items of value I had from my boxes in the storage she had arranged. We spent three months in the Salvation Army Family Crisis Centre. The Captain there, treated all us women like we were scum, not much better than my husband. As if it was our fault for landing ourselves in his shelter with our kids. Although I was a qualified teacher, I couldn't get a job teaching in a state school near the shelter. I had been teaching in international schools and had no recent state school experience and wasn't on the redeployment list. I couldn't get a job at a daycare as I was over-qualified. I couldn't get a job in a supermarket or a pharmacy manning the till, as I didn't have recent manning a till experience. My church told me to find another church, as it was their duty to support the weaker partner, and in this case they thought my husband was weaker than me as I was a strong woman. So, I guarded cars at the racecourse and outside restaurants at night, relying on tips from grateful people. Obviously, I did get out of that situation. I wrote about all my experiences with my ex-husband and how we escaped, in a novel called Stop the world, I need to pee! I had to call it fiction, because who would believe that all those experiences can happen to one person! Even though I wrote the book, I do recommend it as a good read for anybody who is in a bad situation and needs to escape and doesn't know how or feel they have the strength. Stop the world, I need to pee will make you laugh as there are many funny parts, but it might make you cry as well. You might find yourself identifying with Fenella Fisher, the main character.
Eventually, I managed to emigrate to New Zealand with my children. I needed to get as much distance as possible between my ex-husband and myself. Lo and behold, I found myself back in abusive situations with both men and business partners. I thought, shyte, not again! Why do I always end up in these situations? Then I got breast cancer and post-traumatic stress disorder, which came to the fore after my cancer, and all those years of abuse finally got to me. I was tired of being strong and couldn't be strong anymore. My therapist at the Cancer Society, got me thinking about why these things always happened to me, and as part of my therapy, I started to do a lot of research. I went on internet chat sites, dating sites, blogs, forums and chatted to many people who had had similar experiences to mine. I investigated the Relationship Triangle and the Victim/Rescuer Game we often play. The result was a self-help book, called Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet. I self-published, then went back into international school teaching.
Three years after first publishing Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, I revised it and recently, it has just become available on Amazon, together with Stop the world, I need to pee! During my time on Hubpages, I have written quite a few hubs on abuse, and how to move on from it. Many of the hubs are extracts or have been adapted from my book, Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.,
Currently, I am working on another novel called The Case of Billy B, which is about a little boy who is abused and neglected. Many people think that domestic abuse only happens to women. My research showed, that men are often victims as well. Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet is gender-friendly, and is not aimed at just women.
On the 17 November 2009, I celebrate my 10th anniversary of freedom. It was that day, ten years ago, my divorce became final. Last year, my ex-husband randomly emailed my son and told him that my breast cancer and other health problems were not a coincidence, but were as a result of him using white magic and putting spells and curses on me. Obviously, the church did a good job when they chose him to support as the weaker partner. If you are in an abusive situation, get out. You do not have to stay. Nobody has to remain the victim of abuse.