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SHOCKER! Dating is a Numbers Game that Requires Self Confidence

Updated on January 25, 2012

I've been speaking with many, many people about dating lately. Some of these individuals are married, others are divorced, others are actively dating, and still more are perpetual singletons.

Those who are frustrated tend to be annoyed by small dating failures.

Those who have a history of success tend to have a more blasé view of the process.

The gist is this: if you want to find success dating, you are going to need to accept the fact that it's a numbers game. You are not going to get what you want (be that some hot monkey love or the discovery of your One True Soulmate) the first, second, third, or even twelfth time. You are going to have to...

  1. Put yourself out there
  2. Meet a lot of people
  3. Not be afraid to ask people out
  4. Be prepared to be rejected
  5. Get rejected a LOT
  6. Keep on trying

I am entirely aware of the fact that this kernel of wisdom is incredibly obvious. And yet... so many of the people I "poll" and "interview" on the subject of love, relationships, and dating find this to be a particularly difficult issue. Let's have a look at it in greater detail, shall we?

What about you?

Did you find instant success after first dating?

See results

"I WANT IT NOW" Syndrome

Perhaps we have so much trouble reconciling with the reality of dating because we don't want to think about all of the work that must go into it. We want life to be like it is in movies, television shows, and books- where people find each other quickly and easily and everything is clear cut.

What's more, we're particularly averse to expending anything more than the minimum level of effort, and while many have come to terms with the reality that becoming a piano virtuoso or a basketball star requires hours of grueling practice, it seems to be that most of us haven't realized that the same conditions apply to dating.

If you want to be successful in the world of dating, you are going to have to practice, and you are going to have to practice a lot. By practice, I mean that you're going to have to reach out to, ask out, date, and dump a lot of people, because, unfortunately, most people do not find lasting success the first time around.

Fess up, kid.

Are you afraid of being rejected?

See results

The Confidence Issue

Unfortunately, being diligent about practicing is not enough when it comes to success in the dating world, which is a major reason why many folk, who are otherwise very good at persevering, fail when it comes to romance.

Endurance is not enough when one is "on the market." True success requires a lethal combination of both unending drive AND confidence. Yes, alack! Confidence! That elusive unicorn of a characteristic! Like it or not, those who get the most dates are those with the gumption to approach many, many people, put oneself out there, and remain unshaken after countless bouts of rejection.

It is bad news that one must grow accustomed to rejection, but there is a bright side to all this! The good news is that one can quickly learn to get over all these personal refusals and with enough practice, one can gain the power to sail unperturbed through even the most heartless of heartless denials.

Cliff jumping? Hah! That's easy-peasy compared to personal rejection! Master that, and it's smooth sailing!
Cliff jumping? Hah! That's easy-peasy compared to personal rejection! Master that, and it's smooth sailing! | Source

Just go for it!

The most practical advice anyone has shared with me when it comes to dating is this: Get out there, meet people, have fun, and keep trying.

I personally find this advice to be abhorrent, simply because that involves a lot of work (especially for someone who considers herself to be an awkward recluse), but I also know that the best fixes are usually the least lazy ones, so I see that this approach has serious potential.

If you're groaning at the prospect of all this hard work, I have one bit of consolation for you: all this socializing and rejection is going to BUILD CHARACTER! Once you're comfortable taking risks with girls/guys, you may also find the strength to ask for a promotion, pitch an exciting business idea, go skydiving, or tell your bigoted Aunt Bertha exactly where she can shove her backward philosophies.

After all, nearly everything is easy once you've mastered the war of attrition that we refer to as "dating."


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    • Simone Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Simone Haruko Smith 

      6 years ago from San Francisco

      Hehee, I'm so glad that your romantic life has come to a happy conclusion, CloudExplorer!

      And thanks, Ingenira :D

    • Ingenira profile image


      6 years ago

      Very useful and practical advice. Voted up and tweeted.

    • CloudExplorer profile image

      Mike Pugh 

      6 years ago from New York City

      I've seemed to always fall in love at first sight when it comes to the dating arena, and I know that might seem quite unreal, but my entire life has revolved around the romance theme. I love your take on things Simone, your sense of humor towards the end of your hub is truly priceless, and I've also learned a great deal here like the "Attrition" thingy, your hub is awesomely useful for many looking to date today.

      I'm married now though, so my wife won't enjoy me thinking about dating anyone, she would kill me LOL. So I'll be wise and refrain from such thoughts, but will use this hub to refer to others in need of dating tips if anything.

      I have used many of the techniques you've described here for dating & mate matching, but I never gave the social website dating avenue a try back when I was a single man, mostly because I loved the pure randomness of dating, it was so fun back then. I don't miss dating though now that I found my wife, we are truly happy with one another, the funny thing is we lost contact for 15 years before getting together.

    • Simone Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Simone Haruko Smith 

      6 years ago from San Francisco

      It’s on, Wesman my man. Love the confidence.

      I tip my hat to you, americababy.

      And you’ve gotta love persistence, Sooner28! Ugh. If only it did not have to be coupled with patience.

      I like your rule, CarltheCritic1291. And I really appreciate your pointing that out! I’ve learned my new Super Neato Vocabulary word of the day. I’m glad to know about it, and I’ll make a point of trying to avoid it in the future!

      Thanks a ton, Sheila Lee! Gotta love character building, right? You know, after reading your comment, I realized exactly the same logic holds through for jobs and careers. Huh.

      Easier said than done indeed, Maddie! Though I suppose it’s worth the challenge, eh?

      Danke, livelonger!! I daresay things did turn out quite favorably for you! Hahaa, considering my dating luck, though, I’m gonna have to develop a VERY thick skin.

      Ooooh. Outcome independence. I like this, secularist10! With outcome independence, one can pretend to be totally aloof and badass. I approve of such behavior.

      GmaGoldie, it warms my heart to hear that your persistence paid off! And I love that analogy. Huzzah!

      And hahaa, QudsiaP1!! That must have given you quite the start!!

    • QudsiaP1 profile image


      6 years ago

      As weird as this will sound, I didn't realise it was a video and I assumed it was simply a picture of you but when it moved (I wasn't wearing my headphones, hence heard nothing), I totally freaked out! Lol

    • GmaGoldie profile image

      Kelly Kline Burnett 

      6 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin


      My revolving door was frightful! But my diligence paid off and I am newly and happily married to my soul mate. I wanted and hunted and went round and round and finally ... I even shouted at God where is he and he answered, he was not ready. Then we met and we still had to wait - oh, the waiting was painful but not after I met him. He was worth the wait.

      You are right - the more you put yourself out there - the more character you build.

      An analogy I heard about hurt is it akin to the fire and steel, the fire makes the steel stronger and brighter.

      Hang it there - trust your instincts!

      Another excellent hub. Thank you!

    • secularist10 profile image


      6 years ago from New York City

      Very true, Simone. Dating is all about putting yourself out there and taking risks. You'll never meet anyone by sitting at home all the time. And you'll never get anywhere by playing it safe.

      Rejection is a lot easier to deal with if you don't attach a lot of significance to the interaction. This is known as "outcome independence" among the gurus of male dating advice.

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 

      6 years ago from San Francisco

      What a terrific Hub, on the painful reality of the sting of rejection when dating. I *hated* rejection and it probably led me to date less frequently than I would have liked, but it all turned out well, and hopefully I won't have to be out in the dating pool ever again! But good point about the unfortunate need to develop a thick skin...

    • Maddie Ruud profile image

      Maddie Ruud 

      6 years ago from Oakland, CA

      Confidence is key. I hear so many women complaining about what creeps they attract, without taking responsibility for how they allow themselves to be treated. Of course, it's easier said than done...

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I finally got a job!!! I start tomorrow and it will go for 2 months. What a relief! What's funny - sort of - is that Friday I got rejected for one job and got hired for this one within a half hour of each other. I am so relieved and happy. MANY THANKS FOR YOUR HELP Dr.(!!! Especially for the extra time - very nice and very appreciated...

    • Sheila Lee profile image

      Sheila Lee 

      6 years ago from Canada

      Simone, another great hub. Love it! And I love the part about the more you put yourself out there, the more character you'll build. Also, the more you put out there, the more you learn about exactly who you do and don't want to date. And this can be found out by communication with a good amount of different "potentials". So don't give up, because eventually the right one will come along. I voted up. Great job!

    • CarltheCritic1291 profile image


      6 years ago

      You're right, combat does sounds cooler!

      My rule usually lies on the lines of "confidence is key to getting the girl (guy or both) of your dreams."

      Technical Video Jargon Alert: I couldn't help but notice the minor aliasing on the curtains in the background of your video. Aliasing is a visual artifact that happens to a digital when different signals to become indistinguishable. Not that it really matters much, this is usually not a big deal, but for me it was a little distracting, but I doubt anyone else is going to notice.

      I just thought you should know, other than that great job as always :) Voted Up, and Everything Else.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Haha. The war of attrition thing is great!

    • americababy profile image


      6 years ago

      Simone Smith. Legend.

    • Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

      Wesman Todd Shaw 

      6 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

      Simone, next time I'm in the the Bay area, we should certainly have some coffee or something. I love that city you live in.

      (exudes confidence!!! didn't use that awful D word)


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