- Gender and Relationships
SHOCKER! Dating is a Numbers Game that Requires Self Confidence
I've been speaking with many, many people about dating lately. Some of these individuals are married, others are divorced, others are actively dating, and still more are perpetual singletons.
Those who are frustrated tend to be annoyed by small dating failures.
Those who have a history of success tend to have a more blasé view of the process.
The gist is this: if you want to find success dating, you are going to need to accept the fact that it's a numbers game. You are not going to get what you want (be that some hot monkey love or the discovery of your One True Soulmate) the first, second, third, or even twelfth time. You are going to have to...
- Put yourself out there
- Meet a lot of people
- Not be afraid to ask people out
- Be prepared to be rejected
- Get rejected a LOT
- Keep on trying
I am entirely aware of the fact that this kernel of wisdom is incredibly obvious. And yet... so many of the people I "poll" and "interview" on the subject of love, relationships, and dating find this to be a particularly difficult issue. Let's have a look at it in greater detail, shall we?
What about you?
Did you find instant success after first dating?
"I WANT IT NOW" Syndrome
Perhaps we have so much trouble reconciling with the reality of dating because we don't want to think about all of the work that must go into it. We want life to be like it is in movies, television shows, and books- where people find each other quickly and easily and everything is clear cut.
What's more, we're particularly averse to expending anything more than the minimum level of effort, and while many have come to terms with the reality that becoming a piano virtuoso or a basketball star requires hours of grueling practice, it seems to be that most of us haven't realized that the same conditions apply to dating.
If you want to be successful in the world of dating, you are going to have to practice, and you are going to have to practice a lot. By practice, I mean that you're going to have to reach out to, ask out, date, and dump a lot of people, because, unfortunately, most people do not find lasting success the first time around.
Fess up, kid.
Are you afraid of being rejected?
The Confidence Issue
Unfortunately, being diligent about practicing is not enough when it comes to success in the dating world, which is a major reason why many folk, who are otherwise very good at persevering, fail when it comes to romance.
Endurance is not enough when one is "on the market." True success requires a lethal combination of both unending drive AND confidence. Yes, alack! Confidence! That elusive unicorn of a characteristic! Like it or not, those who get the most dates are those with the gumption to approach many, many people, put oneself out there, and remain unshaken after countless bouts of rejection.
It is bad news that one must grow accustomed to rejection, but there is a bright side to all this! The good news is that one can quickly learn to get over all these personal refusals and with enough practice, one can gain the power to sail unperturbed through even the most heartless of heartless denials.
Just go for it!
The most practical advice anyone has shared with me when it comes to dating is this: Get out there, meet people, have fun, and keep trying.
I personally find this advice to be abhorrent, simply because that involves a lot of work (especially for someone who considers herself to be an awkward recluse), but I also know that the best fixes are usually the least lazy ones, so I see that this approach has serious potential.
If you're groaning at the prospect of all this hard work, I have one bit of consolation for you: all this socializing and rejection is going to BUILD CHARACTER! Once you're comfortable taking risks with girls/guys, you may also find the strength to ask for a promotion, pitch an exciting business idea, go skydiving, or tell your bigoted Aunt Bertha exactly where she can shove her backward philosophies.
After all, nearly everything is easy once you've mastered the war of attrition that we refer to as "dating."