- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Dealing With Adultery
When a Woman learns her husband is unfaithful, her 'whole world' comes
tumbling down. This is because most women enter relationships with the
actual belief that the man she marries will be faithful to her.
In this belief she builds her world around him.
In many marriages there is an interconnectedness where the marriage is the
hub. A woman has learned to think of 'we', not me or him. She makes plans
based on having a set companion. Often, she turns down promotions which
would take her away from home or steal time from her marriage.
When a woman finds out her husband has someone else, everything
connected to her core is destroyed.
There are many reasons for adultery,
but as the victim of a car accident,
you really don't care about the
problems of the other driver when
they are putting you on the stretcher.
You are the victim.
You feel a victim.
And the only way to protect yourself
from being totally destroyed by the
incontinence of another is to have a life outside of your marriage.
You must be able to have a life of your own that his adultery does not affect.
For example, when you marry your friends either become 'our ' friends or people you used to know.
Your career becomes a jobette. You attend the functions he wants to attend
or you go alone to those you want, and pay the price.
You learn to like what he likes, want what he wants, as if it is your choice. It isn't.
He may be your choice of partner, but his choices whether, political, social, religious
even hobbies should not become your choices.
Many women who never knew off side from out of bounds become football
fanatics because he likes football.
Many women who were virtually vegans are eating meat because he likes it.
This means he has so permeated his wife's life she no longer exists severed from him.
This is why adultery hurts so much.
It isn't just a marriage his adultery is jeopardising, it is the whole world of his wife he has destroyed.
Think of what was Your Life, Your Life before Marriage. Your Life when You Had a Life.
When You decided where You wanted to go, Where and When and What YOU
wanted to eat/wear/hear.....
It's his world
It is his world, his way, and you were just a comealong...and now...with his adultery....
Or feel dumped, without a personality.
Thinking About YOU
The only authority you have left, when your husband is unfaithful is to decide where and when you wish to catch him and what you intend to do about it.
He will lie, he will promise, he will cry, because he can not commit adultery unless he is married. If he is not married it is not adultery.
Divorcing a man for adultery seems knee jerk, but you have to chose where and when.
A Man with his Lovers....
For example, a very famous entertainer had lots of affairs. His wife, catching him
after the first, consulted a lawyer.
"This year he made Five Million, next year he will make Ten, wait."
She waited. She waited until he died. When he died she was still Mrs. so got everything.
Think of it, a man who fathered 23 children with 15 different women, (including his wife). A man who had loud mouthed bragging lovers, (including an ex-beauty queen), dies. He dies and his wife...that woman he betrayed hundreds of times; gets 50% ... and all those kids share 25% of his estate.
A betrayed wife, whose name was on all the land titles, so got all the property to do with as she pleased. And loud mouted ex-beauty queens got NOTHING.
Sure, it's the victory of the Cat on the Hot Tin Roof; but it is a Victory.
Sometimes his adultery can be liberating.
A woman whose 'whole world' was built around her husband, who had so many things
she wanted to do but couldn't, can now grab the chance to regain herself.
She can join all the clubs she wants, invest herself in her career, travel, and even
might commence her own affairs, as she regains the autonomy she lost when
Many wives take their husband's Adultery as Carte Blanche, coming and going as she pleases. She doesn't have to be home making dinner, she can attend that seminar.
She doesn't have to take him into consideration when offered a promotion or relocation.
In a way, she has a foot in both worlds; that is the 'married' and 'single; one and can step
from one to another as it suits her.
Adultery can be managed. It depends on your status, on your environment.
Catch him when it suits you. When you know what is owned, how it will be divided and your name is on most of the property.