Dear Ardie - Advice Column

Yes - it is true. I am like Dear Abby and Dear Ann except I am even better. I am Dear Ardie.

Not only do I write at HubPages.com but I also run a blog where I give out advice on parenting and relationships. I’ve tried to keep the two writing projects separate for a long time but I cannot hide the secret anymore. You see, I have had writer’s block for the last month or so. And I figure I can share some of the emails I receive at my blog along with the advice I have handed out to the senders. These are indeed real emails I have gotten from real people. However I cannot attest to whether the problems are real or not. But as I say on my blog “no email gets turned away unless you spell my name wrong”.

Dear Ardie,

My husband and I agree that our children should only watch 2.3 hours of television per day total. However, we can’t seem to agree on television programming for that amount of time. I prefer educational shows such as PBS Kids’ Dino Train and Sesame Street. My husband, on the other hand, thinks the children should be allowed to watch purely entertainment programming such as Nickelodeon shows Spongebob Squarepants and Fred: The Show. Ardie, how do you think we could best settle this dispute? I fear for my marriage; the kids are watching us fight, the home is in turmoil with indecision and I am at my wits end! Please help me save my family.

Sincerely,

Programming Parent

Dear Programming Parent (ie. Paranoid Parent),

I think the best solution is to keep your children in a plastic bubble and DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow them to watch television ever. The damage you have already caused to their little minds is irreparable and I am ashamed of you as a fellow parent! Hopefully in time you and your husband can come to terms with the irreversible harm you have caused to your children. I recommend intensive psychotherapy immediately.

Sincerely,

Ashamed Ardie



Dear Ardie,

I have been dating the same girl for 10 years now. We are expecting our third child in 3 months and I am very excited. The thing is - I think I want to marry this girl. But how do I know if she’s “the one”?

Sincerely,

Perpertually Perplexed

Dear Perpetually Perplexed,

Dude, seriously? You have spent ten years with, and you are expecting your third child with, this woman. And yet you don’t know whether or not she’s “the one”? I’ll tell you what. I know of an ancient tribal method for determining if a person is “the one” for you. First you need to buy an engagement ring. Then you should run a pot of water to boiling. Place the ring in the boiling water for 8-10 minutes stirring occasionally. After the alloted time pull the ring out of the water and immediately throw it at your girlfriend. If the ring sticks this girl is indeed “the one” for you. (Wait, or was that to test spaghetti against a fridge?!)

Sincerely, Aghast Ardie



Yo Ardie,

Wassup? i have been on hella diffrent dating sites and i have met tons of cool peeps. But i am still single! I don’t (censored) get it! How can gurlz not love this motha (censored again) gangsta thug from Alabama?! i got blu eyes, brown hair, and mad tats and piercings. ha i think im perfect. what do u think the problem is with these hose? Fo shizzle aint me!

Out,

T-Bone



T-Bone? Okay. Dear T-Bone,

First off, I am amazed that you capitalize your ‘name’. What is that – a noun or an verb? Secondly, wow that letter was difficult to read. This is the first time my editors actually had to work for their salary! Did you even try running the spellcheck on your email?! And did you call women hose? As in the hose I use to water my lawn? Perhaps the reason women have not shown interest in you on these dating sites, where you look for a girlfriend, is because they simply cannot understand you. Or maybe it's just because you’re lame. Yes, I rather think that’s the problem. Speak English, act normal, and fix that name. I bet you’ll find a girlfriend in no time. Okay I won't bet on it but it will at least increase your odds.

Word,

Ardizzle (AKA Ardimus Paulicus)



Dear Ardie,

I am a 17 year old girl and I have been dating this boy for 6 months now. I really like spending time with him and we talk on the phone every night. I am pretty sure he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with – we have even thought up baby names. The problem is that he doesn’t wear deodorant and he doesn't shower very often. When he puts his arm over my shoulder or gives me a hug he smells really bad. What should I do? Do I put up with the smell since I love this guy or do I tell him we cant date anymore because he stinks?

Thank you,

Nose plugs Nora

Dear Nose Plugs,

I wish to congratulate you on knowing whether this boy is the one or not! You are a million steps ahead of Perpetually Perplexed – however you are still lagging behind him in so many ways. Darling, how can you be sure this boy is the one when you are only 17 years old and you have dated for only 6 months?! T he fact that you can't be close to him due to his offensive B.O. makes me question your sanity! You need to grow a pair and tell this dude to follow up on his personal hygiene or he’s outta the picture. Smelly pits are the pits. If this boy respects you he will gladly throw on some deodorant or cologne when he knows he will be spending time with you.

Yours truly,

Aroma Ardie

Dear Ardie,

I really like this girl from my church and I think she likes me too. We turn and hug the people around us at the closing of church and she hugged me extra tight the other day. She sings and I sing too so I thought it would be nice to hang out with her. I found her on Facebook a week ago and we chatted back and forth a few times. We were friends but then I think she accidentally blocked me. I sent her emails telling her how to unblock me but she hasn’t yet. I think maybe because she doesn’t want to get to know each other online. So I have tried calling her and she never answers her cell phone. I have left numerous messages with my phone number but she must not be getting them because she hasn’t called back yet. I have also tried walking up to her at church but she always goes in the opposite direction when she sees me. I think she is very shy. Ardie,I don’t know what to do – I KNOW this girl likes me but I cant get near her. Please tell me what I should do. Should I go to her house? I do have her address - I was able to do a reverse lookup online using her phone number. I got the house number and street name. I walk by her house a few times every day but Im nervous to stop in. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Desperate Dan



Dear Desperate Dan,

I recommend a support group my friend – because you have issues! Move on, scat and leave this poor girl alone. She doesn’t like you and she doesn’t want anything to do with you. The Facebook block? Not a hint – a full out DENY. Nobody accidentally blocks another person! She wants you to go away and stop stalking her. Don’t call, don’t email, don’t bug her friends, and PLEASE for the love of all things DO NOT go to her house. Dan, take it from me – you need to find another girl to talk to. Visit Internet chat rooms, read articles on how to get a girlfriend and use dating sites to meet other girls. But let them take the lead. If they don’t follow up with you – leave them alone. Stop being creepy Dan.

The Blog Lady,

Advising Ardie (who in no way, shape or form likes you so please do not email again - I have your IP and I am not afraid to call your mother.)