Domestic Violence Hard To Leave
Domestic Violence Hard to Leave
The very thought of those two words together give me shivers on top of my shivers. This is a subject widely known about but to large extent still ignored or given excuses by women who are actually being abused. Even though they know about it, they refuse to believe it or they think its going to get better.
The extent of abuse spreads out worldwide. One out of every three women will be physically abused in her lifetime. Now that is a staggering statistic. Abusers have to have control over their home environment especially if they can’t get control from work or anywhere else.
Psychologist Lenore Walker developed a theory known as “Cycle of Violence”
1. First part of the cycle is the tension building. In this phase minor battering occurs. To try to ease the tension the women who is being abused will try to appease the abuser by being more loving, very quite and very attentive toward him, trying to take care of every need. She feels guilty if she does something wrong.
2. Then there is a second stage. It’s the acute battering stage. This is where the man provokes he is getting himself ready because he knows what he’s going to do. He will do things like draw the shades so no one can see. Then he “teaches her a lesson”. When he stops the book fails to mention that he falls asleep with exhaustion.
3. Then the third stage is remorse and reconciliation. When he wakes he may be spontaneous and extremely nice. He truly acts like God’s gift from heaven, making her breakfast, doing very nice things like brushing her hair and will be very optimistic and very attentive. He will get down on his knees infront of this woman and hold her close and apologize and even cry that he’s sorry for what he did, he don’t know what got into him, give him another chance please, it will never happen again. But like the psychiatrist says, it’s only a cycle.
The women definitely wants to work everything out especially if there are children involved. She doesn’t want to break up a family. Most of the time she does not have the financial recourses to do so. She is also on the belief side that he is going to change.
The cycle that the doctor talks about has a flaw that I see or that she fails to mention. The book doesn’t cover this, so I will.
When the couple gets together it may take a long time for the first abusive act to take place. Abuse doesn’t happen from the first date, or else a women with a brain would be more apt to get out fast. They may have had multiple arguments and have been able to discuss things rather than argue. If a woman has her own mind and truly uses it, It’s going to take a while for the man to resent or be troubled that she doesn’t agree, so that inevitably means that he eventually has to get control.
That means that every time they fight, he will try to gain more ground to be the one that is right. When his tactics are getting more comfortable and he is more comfortable with the subject, he then makes his point by slapping her, immediately responding by apologizing. “He never meant for it to go that far, he will never do it again, give him another chance, he will make it better, ect”.
The next attack he definitely get’s more violent and the remorse part takes a little longer. The hitting eventually becomes second in nature. This cycle will continue until the abuser finally kills his mate.
If children are involved it is a worse situation indeed. The statistics in child abuse is staggering as well. We have been unfortunately privey to a plethora of Child beatings, killings, and sexual abuse all over the news, but the thing is, they focus on one case that you hear about over and over and over for a week, what is really going on according to the website Dreamcatchers for abused children, is the by the time you finish viewing this report, 15 to 20 children will have been abused, beaten or raped. In five minutes, 30 more. Within the next hour, 360 more and by tonight, close to 8,000 plus children will have suffered abuse, 5 of which will die. Child abuse has increased 134% since 1980. The high jump in child abuse and shocking statistics highlights the how absolutely appalling our country and the whole world has become.
There are a lot of organizations that are committed to helping abused women, children and getting help for the abusers.
Women who are involved and trying to get out of an abusive relationship feel like they are trapped. The abuser has successfully at this point, isolated her and the family. She will have limited contact with her family, and close to no contact with her friends. People will shun them selves away from her because she has managed to alienate herself as well. It’s almost takes someone coming in and forcing her out of the situation in order for her to get help. With that being said, there are places like I said that are more than willing to help this situation, the problem is the woman has freedom of choice and in a crisis situation she will want help. She will want someone to come save her and she will leave, if she has the chance, but she can be educated as to what is happening and it is up to her to make the final decision and if she chooses to go back, the shelter’s cannot legally stop her. The helpguide.org says things really well.
- If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
- If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
- If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.
- If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.
- If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:
· He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
· He continues to blame others for his behavior.
· He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
· He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
· He tells you that you owe him another chance.
· You have to push him to stay in treatment.
- He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
- He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
- He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
- He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.
Domestic violence, whether it be physical or mental or sexual is rampant around the world and there it seems helpless that we cannot as a people do anything about it. If you suspect something is happening with a friend or with a child that is not healthy you have to by law contact your local authorities. There are problems we run into with that also, because people are uneducated and have their own agenda sometimes, so it will involve police, division of family youth services and entail a detailed situation. There have been investigations that are false and end up getting people set up to lose their children. In other cases there are legitimate calls and the investigators can’t find anything, the case is closed and the woman or the child ends up dead. Where do we go as a nation? What is our responsibility and how can we make it better?
In conclusion I just have to say this. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I almost died at the hands of my abuser. I had a very difficult time writing this article seeing that the abuse is at the extent that it is. My abuser still runs free. He is a womanizer, raping woman with his charms, having babies and being what I think is a polygamist to satisfy his sick existence. I have been away from him for 20 years. Recently I saw him again by accident. I still have a long standing restraining order on him. I have become so aware about this sort of situation now and realize that if I didn’t have the help that I did at the time, I would be lying in a ditch somewhere. It takes years to overcome and you have to have a desire and fight in you to not let people make you feel like a cancer anymore, because it is so easy to succumb to what you used to be. Me… I’m like the phoenix that burned up and is alive again. I was like that phoenix bird long ago and when I recently seen him, I almost collapsed under the mental strain. I realize its not a part of my life for a long time, and I have so much ground to cover to gain what I lost. There are woman I could help but the thing is they have to want the help. I know this from experience. The friends I had at the time were not letting me go back to him after the fifth time I tried to go back. I understand what these women go through, I know how bad they want it to work. It takes years to understand why it won’t work. It’s been 20 years for me. I know what he is doing now, and he hasn’t changed. Not one bit. I was recently told that if he came begging me that I would go back to him. No way. I know who I am and I know what he has done. Like I said, I am the phoenix and starting new. I am proud of who I am now. I thank my support that got me through all those difficult years as being a single mother and bring my children up in a world that I didn’t know what was going to happen. Some women don’t have the support networks that I did and believe me I know how lucky I was. My father was the number one person who helped me. He took me in, sheltered me, fed me and watched my kids when I went to work. I had great friends who I am still close with today. One was a man who taught Aiki Jutsu who took me under his wing to train a martial art and bring me more self confidence and the other was a women who I was training under and she looked after me like a little sister and we are still friends to this day. I am forever grateful to those three people.
I didn’t know the staggering statistics today about these women. I feel helpless to their plight and want to help. I plan on taking other steps to see how I can help.
Like I said there are a lot of recourses on the web for this. The biggest most important fact is the woman has to want to leave. This is the very first step. Then get educated as to what is happening. Those feelings of despair are going to come back fast. It’s because they are used to it. They are familiar with it. It is of utmost importance to have a support group. One that won’t let her go back. They won’t change, I don’t care what they promise, but the only hope that a woman can have is if they are living their own life and learn how to live again. Then they won’t want to go back. I’m here to say it will take a long time and a lot of education. Don’t let it be you.