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Domestic Violence - Women and Abusive Relationships

Updated on March 12, 2012

Domestic Violence

Women and men can find themselves trapped inside the cycle of domestic violence. Everyone of us know at least one person who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. But when you are on the outside looking in you may often wonder why the victim stays with the abuser or why the victim continuously returns to the abuser. It can be very stressful and scary when you know someone who is in this situation because you know each time they return the chance of them leaving again gets slimmer and slimmer. But why do women return to the abusive relationship?

Love is Blind

When a woman is in an abusive relationship they do not see the situation as others on the outside see it. They are often so involved with keeping their abuser happy that they fail to see what is actually happening around them. They are in their "own world" constantly thinking into the future about what may set him off and what she will have to do in order to calm him down. They often find themselves smothering their abuser with love and taking total fault for everything that makes him upset or angry.

A woman may also spend all of her time taking care of him while in return neglecting herself. She will not care about how she looks or feels because her main focus is his happiness. She may miss important appointments because she does not want to anger him. Sometimes when children are living in this situation they may also be neglected due to the fact of the abuser needing all of the attention.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easily done. Many times the victim stays because the fear of leaving the abuser is to much to bear. Their life may have been threatened or if children are involved they are threatened with losing them. So women will stay just to be sure they are with their children.

You may think by telling a victim they need to leave will make them realize they are in a bad situation. But unfortunately the victims are so blinded by the charm of their abuser they don't grasp what other are actually seeing. Even though deep down inside they know what is happening for some reason they don't want to think about it.

Returning to an Abusive Relationship

When someone you know finally leaves their abusive relationship you get a sense of relief knowing they are now safe. But why do most women return to their abuser?

They are so used to caring for their abuser that when they leave they will constantly worry about him. Maybe he had threatened to harm himself or even harm her if she doesn't return. She loves him so much that she can't think of anything bad happening to him and if it did it would be her fault. Then the guilt that is passed onto her from the abuser makes her feel that everything he did to her stemmed from something she had did wrong. So in a sense the abuse is the effect of her actions. Also she may be so use to taking care of him that she will actually miss him if he is not around. Every person is different and every person stays or returns for different reasons.

Being on the Outside of Domestic Violence

Please do not judge any woman or man who may have fallen victim to domestic violence. It is not an easy situation to escape from. You are brainwashed by your abuser and fearful of what will happen to you if you leave. You are made to feel guilty for things that are not your fault. The charm of the abuser will make you feel more love than you have ever felt making it more difficult to leave but making it easier to stay. Only victims of domestic violence understand the true hold the abuser may have over someone. If you never experienced domestic violence, which I hope you never have to, you will never understand what makes you put up with the abuse and you will never understand why someone will stay in or return to an abusive relationship. It is not easy to break the cycle.


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    • MsLofton profile image


      6 years ago from IL

      Being a domestic violence survivor and advocate, I really do appreciate this. Thanks for writing and sharing.

    • Angela Brummer profile image

      Angela Brummer 

      6 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

      Great hub I will share this. I don't recall the exact number but, I think I read it takes like 47 attemps to actuallly leave an abuser!


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