Don't Force Fatherhood On Men
Anyone can father a child but it takes a certain type of man to be a good one. That’s a bit different than the saying you are used to hearing; here is why. Just because a man doesn’t want to be a father or doesn’t like kids doesn’t make him a bad person. He may be a lousy dad but can still be a good person. I’m not talking about the pedophiles or child abusers; I’m talking about guys that just aren’t into kids.
Children deserve good parents; they should have relationships with their own dads if they are not abusive or neglectful and if he wants to be involved.
I believe that the first responsibility is with women. Now before y’all start throwing stones hear me out.
When I was young I wasn’t going to get married or have children. I based this opinion on my mother’s poor boyfriend and husband finding skills. I won’t go into that because that would be a whole book in itself but my point is, I assumed all men were bad.
First and foremost when looking for a husband you should check to see if he is good daddy material unless you use multiple forms of birth control and you have both decided against offspring. Women have more control over whether or not a baby is made then a man does. Just because you want kids and have the maternal instinct doesn’t mean he was born with paternal yearnings.
It amazes me how many divorced women so readily bring home men telling their children, “This is your new father.” What? First of all, they already have a dad. You may not approve of him as husband material but that doesn’t take away from the fact he is still their father.
I’ve heard women with a new boyfriend referring to him as her children’s new father. When you look for a man you should put that line of thinking out of your head. I realize there are a lot of single mothers raising children but forcing your kids on him is only going to cause problems. Yes, I realize your kids are part of the package but he is your boyfriend and later your husband, not your children’s father, they already have one.
No man understands us like our own father.
If their real dad isn’t in the picture, for whatever reason, it’s still a bad idea for several reasons.
Your new guy will feel overwhelmed. You will end up running him off because he isn’t looking for all that responsibility he is only interested in you. I realize he will be around your kids but he doesn’t have to be their father unless he wants to be and even then he isn’t the real deal unless he adopts them.
Don’t make your kids call him “dad”. He is not their father. Pushing this issue can cause your children to resent your new fellow.
They have a father. Many women alienate their children’s real father only because of differences between the two of them. In many cases they are good dads they just don’t get along with their children’s mother. You need to be adult about it and allow your kids to know their father.
Some stop visitation rights due to non-payment of child support. This is a bad idea. Yes, men should take an active role in raising their kids and helping with bills is part of it but the ones that suffer the most are the kids. If you have legal issues concerning money talk to a lawyer but don’t put the children in the middle. They have a right to be with both of their parents. Keeping them away from their father only causes problems later on.
The worth of a father is not based on how much he pays or spends.
If their real dad isn’t interested in being a father to his kids and never comes around you can’t make him and trying to make him feel guilty doesn’t work either. This has nothing to do with child support. Visitation and remittance are two different things.
Men who are forced into being fathers resent it and tend to take it out on the kids. It’s not right and I’m not making excuses but it does happen.
Beware the overly anxious father types. Wolves often travel in sheep’s clothing. Many pedophiles and child abusers seem harmless initially and you would never know they had unsavory intentions up their sleeve but you must be wary. You are your child’s protector and bringing just anyone into your home is a bad idea.
Don't let your new boyfriend or husband alienate your kids from their real dad. This is wrong on so many levels. If he is too insecure to realize they have a father who has a right to be in their life then you need to reassess whether or not he is mature enough to be your husband.
Giving a man a baby won’t make him stay with you.
I have seen women trap, I mean gift, a man with a child thinking he will stay with them if there is a bond. It never works, girls. All this does is give you a baby to be responsible for. Children deserve to be born into healthy relationships with both parents wanting them.
Alternative father options:
So… instead of making your boyfriends daddy replacements what do you do? In many cases they have grandfathers and uncles. Blood is thicker than water. Don’t overdo it or they can get overwhelmed, but if they don’t mind letting them tag along once in a while it can help them get a male perspective on life. Girls need a dad more than boys. I’ll write another story about that one but it is true.
Just because their birth dad isn’t interested in spending time with them doesn’t mean their paternal grandfather or uncles on that side of the family wouldn’t be pleased to enjoy their company.
Big Brother organization is a great opportunity for boys. They take boys on guy outings doing guy things. They do a background check to make sure the participants are okay. It’s a great program.
Mom’s can sometimes do guy things. If your son is into fishing or sports you can help him out with these. It doesn’t matter if you are good at it, they will appreciate the effort anyway. Not all boys are into male specific activities and some enjoy cooking and crafts. Anytime spent with your kids is making fond memories.
Boy Scouts and other boy clubs are good ways for your sons to be active in male outings.