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Don't Force Fatherhood On Men
Anyone can father a child but it takes a certain type of man to be a good one. That’s a bit different than the saying you are used to hearing; here is why. Just because a man doesn’t want to be a father or doesn’t like kids doesn’t make him a bad person. He may be a lousy dad but can still be a good person. I’m not talking about the pedophiles or child abusers; I’m talking about guys that just aren’t into kids.
Children deserve good parents; they should have relationships with their own dads if they are not abusive or neglectful and if he wants to be involved.
I believe that the first responsibility is with women. Now before y’all start throwing stones hear me out.
When I was young I wasn’t going to get married or have children. I based this opinion on my mother’s poor boyfriend and husband finding skills. I won’t go into that because that would be a whole book in itself but my point is, I assumed all men were bad.
First and foremost when looking for a husband you should check to see if he is good daddy material unless you use multiple forms of birth control and you have both decided against offspring. Women have more control over whether or not a baby is made then a man does. Just because you want kids and have the maternal instinct doesn’t mean he was born with paternal yearnings.
It amazes me how many divorced women so readily bring home men telling their children, “This is your new father.” What? First of all, they already have a dad. You may not approve of him as husband material but that doesn’t take away from the fact he is still their father.
I’ve heard women with a new boyfriend referring to him as her children’s new father. When you look for a man you should put that line of thinking out of your head. I realize there are a lot of single mothers raising children but forcing your kids on him is only going to cause problems. Yes, I realize your kids are part of the package but he is your boyfriend and later your husband, not your children’s father, they already have one.
No man understands us like our own father.
If their real dad isn’t in the picture, for whatever reason, it’s still a bad idea for several reasons.
First-
Your new guy will feel overwhelmed. You will end up running him off because he isn’t looking for all that responsibility he is only interested in you. I realize he will be around your kids but he doesn’t have to be their father unless he wants to be and even then he isn’t the real deal unless he adopts them.
Don’t make your kids call him “dad”. He is not their father. Pushing this issue can cause your children to resent your new fellow.
Second-
They have a father. Many women alienate their children’s real father only because of differences between the two of them. In many cases they are good dads they just don’t get along with their children’s mother. You need to be adult about it and allow your kids to know their father.
Some stop visitation rights due to non-payment of child support. This is a bad idea. Yes, men should take an active role in raising their kids and helping with bills is part of it but the ones that suffer the most are the kids. If you have legal issues concerning money talk to a lawyer but don’t put the children in the middle. They have a right to be with both of their parents. Keeping them away from their father only causes problems later on.
The worth of a father is not based on how much he pays or spends.
If their real dad isn’t interested in being a father to his kids and never comes around you can’t make him and trying to make him feel guilty doesn’t work either. This has nothing to do with child support. Visitation and remittance are two different things.
Third-
Men who are forced into being fathers resent it and tend to take it out on the kids. It’s not right and I’m not making excuses but it does happen.
Fourth-
Beware the overly anxious father types. Wolves often travel in sheep’s clothing. Many pedophiles and child abusers seem harmless initially and you would never know they had unsavory intentions up their sleeve but you must be wary. You are your child’s protector and bringing just anyone into your home is a bad idea.
Fifth-
Don't let your new boyfriend or husband alienate your kids from their real dad. This is wrong on so many levels. If he is too insecure to realize they have a father who has a right to be in their life then you need to reassess whether or not he is mature enough to be your husband.
Giving a man a baby won’t make him stay with you.
I have seen women trap, I mean gift, a man with a child thinking he will stay with them if there is a bond. It never works, girls. All this does is give you a baby to be responsible for. Children deserve to be born into healthy relationships with both parents wanting them.
Alternative father options:
So… instead of making your boyfriends daddy replacements what do you do? In many cases they have grandfathers and uncles. Blood is thicker than water. Don’t overdo it or they can get overwhelmed, but if they don’t mind letting them tag along once in a while it can help them get a male perspective on life. Girls need a dad more than boys. I’ll write another story about that one but it is true.
Just because their birth dad isn’t interested in spending time with them doesn’t mean their paternal grandfather or uncles on that side of the family wouldn’t be pleased to enjoy their company.
Big Brother organization is a great opportunity for boys. They take boys on guy outings doing guy things. They do a background check to make sure the participants are okay. It’s a great program.
Mom’s can sometimes do guy things. If your son is into fishing or sports you can help him out with these. It doesn’t matter if you are good at it, they will appreciate the effort anyway. Not all boys are into male specific activities and some enjoy cooking and crafts. Anytime spent with your kids is making fond memories.
Boy Scouts and other boy clubs are good ways for your sons to be active in male outings.
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Comments
voted up and am reserving comment until I sort out a touch of humanity in it as well as experience of each point you've made, peace 50
- Author
Thanks for reading, Dusty.
Pamela, this is a great topic that you have covered well!
It is a sore spot as I look back through time and find “pop goes the weasel” and at the last moment 3 kids magically appear from thin air. A very dirty under handed trick that is played by enough women it became my introduction reply.
Hello, my name is Earl and you are? Nice name, what are the names of your children? Oh, sweet names, my friend here is mutual to you no? I take this as an attempt to play matchmaker by so and so, did they tell you that I don’t do the kid thing? Out of wedlock sleep over sins while children are in hearing range or prompted to call me dad? I don’t make an allowance on age 5 or 17 it doesn’t matter.
If they have or want kids the tire blows out about now, game over.
At one time I dated a woman who was divorced and never mentioned kids for 3 years. She had a big butt, I mean nice and round bubble butt, just my kinda visual plus, but not the reason I dated her. She was a beautiful pair shaped woman who liked to wear sexy under garments and had a high libido that kept me satisfied with no asking required. Still not the reason I dated her and only her. She played in a woman’s soccer league and was quite fit at 36 years old and was quite smart and went for outdoor activities like hiking and playing in the ocean or taking a week of vacation to ride with me on my Harley to points unknown. No bitchy days, held a job as a service writer at a large auto dealership.
She had divorced and it seemed like a good clean break, she didn’t talk about it so I figured that there was nothing else to it. She had a Thursday ladies night that demonstrated by all appearances she was a free spirit able to spend time away so I could take Thursdays and do my thing, riding scooters with my friends and have a guys night. We shared a lot of fun and love.
Then at three years she asked me to marry her, I said let me think on this a bit. She lived in a large home with her widowed father and cared for him and had a couple sisters I had talked to via the phone, that filled in for her when we were gone on road trips and long weekends.
I told her to get a family night together so we could all meet. So it was set and I came casual, a flip flop and a peg leg, levis and t-shirt.
Turned out that bubble butt came from almost being a midget. She was 5’7” and her sisters were 3 foot tall midgets, a bit of a shocker she could have warned me about. Then there were 3 kids that turned out to be 13, 15 and 17. I figured they were from her brother’s wife or even a midget popping a normal genetic child.
Nope! They were hers and just before her proposal the court injunction preventing her to have any contact with them ended as the youngest turned 13. She was a 4 time convicted class “A” felon who took a deal not to mess with her kids in any form, letters, phone, zip, nadda.
Damn, I was at the circus and hanging with an instant family that called me “Dad” while among the company of a felon who did what? To get this deal.
I was in mortal shock, but took a few Valium and leveled out while sitting in the bathroom, waiting for it to kick in as I let it dissolve under my tongue.
I moved from one condo to another I had for sale changed my number and stopped going to my business and started flying for hire again. The shop manager told her I sold it to him and left town. I never spoke with her again after that night, for 6 months or so. The hidden agenda of baggage scared hell out of me, not cool. When we finally spoke she caught me as I was closing deals and getting the rest of my belongings for my move to here. An overnight talk at a motel and a get up and leave.
Women can be, as men can be, sneaky agenda laden critters, but surprise midgets and instant family may break a heart or two and is just an unfair move anyway you slice it, the minimum 3 year attachment that came in the form of her youngest child and the whole story up front, none of the relation would have taken place, I was labeled the bad guy in this game unfairly.
What say you? dust
- Author
lol Dusty, that is the funniest story I've read all day. You meet some interesting people.
Excellent advice, Pamela. A lot of women need to read this hub. up/very useful
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Thanks, Fay.
Well written Hub! Advice well taken by all women.
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Thanks for reading, Justsilvie.
Excellent hub with even better points that were made. My father was an incredible dad and raised me by himself from the time I was nine. Although trying to coerce another women into the picture to play mom and relieve his responsibility would have made his life easier, he never did. Never even really dated because he was to busy being a great dad. To bad there are not more men in this world like him. Incredible hub in which women should consider before bringing someone new into their childs life Up useful and awesome
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Charlu, very few step parents love children like their real parents do. Your dad sounds like a great guy.
Hi Pamela, all great information and advice within this well written hub !
Awesome and vote up !!!
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Thanks, Kashmir.
Hey Pamela, I am one of those kids who came from a broken home. My mother and father were divorced when I was about 7 years old. We(my sister and I) were able to visit with him on weekends, but after a while that stopped. This apparently was unavoidable and explained in my hub about my father. However, my mother took on a new boyfriend and he tried everything he could to separate us(my sister and I) from our father, by bad mouthing him. This man was a father already from a previous marriage and had two sons. He figured he would be the stronger father figure in our life and we would follow his lead, however, I pointed out to him a number of time, regardless of whether or not, my mother and him got married, he would never actually be my father. This man despised by dad. My childhood was damaged because of this man, but I managed to live through it. I agree with your hub that you cannot force men to be father figures and to do so, will only ruin the child's experience and stunt their growth as an individual. Thumbs up! :)
I think your advice is spot on. It is so important to make sure your child has a good father. As you said any man can father a child but that doesn't mean he will be a good dad.
Rated up useful.
- Author
Cagsil, I was abused in every way you can imagine by various men in my mother's life. Mothers need to protect their kids from people like that but unfortunately many do not. I've been over protective of my kids due to it but at least none of them were ever hurt like I was. Peace.
Pam, it's something I feel very strongly about having been there first hand. Thanks you for taking the time to read my work.
I can understand what you're saying Pamela. My childhood wasn't the simplest thing, due to the fact that the individual my mother was in a relationship with was an ass, in more ways than I care to count. He wasn't the only abuse I put up with throughout my childhood, but he was a major part of the physical abuse I suffered. My mother had no idea that it was happening, because she was working two jobs to support a household and he wasn't helping, because he was supporting two other households, his own and paying support to his ex-wife for their two children. My sister never suffered any abuse from him, because she was the golden child he didn't have from his first marriage. I was a spitting image of my father and wouldn't back down from him, even at my young age, but he wanted to prove to me that he would eventually replace my dad, which in mind, wasn't ever going to happen. :) I am glad to here that your children didn't have the problems you or I did. So, in the end, you were not actually over protective, you right on the mark. :) Good job! :)
Pam...great hub with Father's Day around the corner. Unfortunately, I didn't see the red flags when it came to choosing a good Dad....You are so right that some men should not be Dad's and there is nothing wrong with that. But men who become Dad's and then shirk their responsibility are asses. The hand writing was on the wall but I was afraid to look. He had a 3 year old darling daughter when we hooked up and he felt just fine leaving her......that was A BIG CLUE....one I failed to notce. He has a 'somewhat' relationship with his kids because they call him and plan...My daughter is the one who suffers the most from this because she carries hate for him. I doubt this will ever change.
BTW...great hub...
- Author
Cagsil, sorry you went through so much pain. Unfortunately it is all too common and why I felt it necessary to write this story. My mother knew about most of my abuse but didn't step in to do anything about it.
Marellen, most people write the "feel good" stories around this time of year but I thought I'd put a different spin on it. I don't in any way intend to take away from the reason for the holiday and know there are a lot of great dads out there, my husband is at the top of the list. Thank you for reading.
Pamela,
Awesome hub, great topic and your points are very good. I think this article would be helpful for a lot of the teenagers to read. Voted up and awesome.
Great hub Pamela you have covered the topic well.
I am sure that many will indeed benefit fronm reading this one which I vote up.
Take care
Eiddwen.
- Author
Thanks, Erin and Eiddwen for taking the time to read.
You cannot force fatherhood on someone. When I was 25 I did not want kids and would have been a horrible parent. By the time I got married at the age of 34 I was still not sure if I wanted any. When I was 37 we had a child and I was very happy with our decision to do so and I was ready and willing to be a parent.
Any parenting decisions should be mutually agreed upon. Unfortunately there are too many cases where this is not the case. Thanks for another interesting hub.
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SCAuthor, if people thought more about it before bringing a baby into this world we'd have happier children.
Superb hub - I loved it & it truly touched me because I am a stepfather I can't have children of my own but I am blessed to have 2 step-sons the oldest is getting married in July
- Author
Manthy, there are many wonderful fathers in this world that take on children. I commend you on being a part of their lives. There are so many kids in this world starved for healthy male attention.
An outstanding hub. The role of the father is an incredibly important one and your words of caution are so right.
- Author
Thanks, Giselle.
Excellent Hub!
"Women have more control over whether or not a baby is made then a man does..." This so true.
There may be accidental pregnaices but there is no such thing as an accidental birth. In America (only the woman) can (legally) decide if a couple will become parents. Therfore it's wise for women to be selective when it comes to choosing a man to be the father of their children.
- Author
That's true, Dashing. We have to make sure the man we have children with is going to be a good father, otherwise we are doing a disservice to our kids.
Jumping back into the discussion, I don't agree so much with dashingscorpio's comments. I think both a man and woman have equal control over making a baby, purely by the fact of having sex (which is a risk-taking activity - if you don't want to take the risk don't do it). If a man truly doesn't want a baby, he can a) abstain or b) use a condom at all times, even if she says she is on the pill.
And I think that dashingscorpio seems to be referring to abortion in his comment about accidental pregnancy vs accidental birth.... what happened to the (physically healthier) idea of putting an unwanted baby up for adoption?? He did not mention that at all!
Having stated my beliefs, to be fair I will also add that I've seen dashingscorpio's answers on Q&A and have found him to be overall helpful and insightful... it is this particular comment of his on this hub that I happen not to agree with.
And I agree with what Pamela N Red's hub is about - I believe in NOT forcing fatherhood on men and in really respecting the man's ideas about kids... but that people need to figure this out and come to an agreement BEFORE they have sex! - it may very well make the difference between abstaining, using 1 form of protection or using multiple forms of protection!
- Author
Giselle we all have different opinions and bring different ideas to the discussion. Thank you for your comments.
Pamela N Red, Please forgive me but I felt the need to respond to Giselle Maine's comment. My comment was in reference to what is "legal". Whether one is pro-choice or pro-life it does not effect the "legal options". (If a Man WANTS to HAVE the child and the Woman Does NOT he cannot legally force her to have it.)The law cuts both ways.
Adoption is always an option. However when it's all said and done a woman makes the final decision. That's not my opinion. It's the law. Hopefully this explains my comment. Thanks again Pamela N Red for writing a stimulating hub!:-)
- Author
Dashing, in the end women do have more control over whether she has a baby or not. Sometimes condoms malfunction and are not foolproof.
Dashingscorpio, thanks so much for your clarification. OK I see your point now. Sorry I didn't fully appreciate both sides of what you were saying at first. Thanks again dashingscorpio and PamelaNRed - this discussion has really given me lots more to think about.
Sex is a basic human desire. Using abstinence as birth control is not realistic. Even women living in absolute poverty are not willing to refrain from having sex. We are the only species I am aware of that fornicates for both reproduction and pleasure.
Giselle is asking a lot of the world.
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Mark, abstaining is not for everyone. Some have a lower libido and can make that choice but some of us need sex and have to make sure we have contraceptive options in place.
I completely agree with this!
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Thanks for reading.
Level headed and refreshingly direct! I liked what you had to say and most of the points you mention, I have witnessed (or experienced) at some point. As you say, the child(ren) already has a father...
Sharing, up and useful for all those in this difficult to balance situation.
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Brett, children need a good father but we shouldn't push it on anyone.
From my understanding it takes two to create a baby. You are seriously taking the responsibility from men for creating children. You also cannot force women to be mothers, but unfortunately we are forced in to it. Why are men allowed an easy way out? And abortion is not an easy decision. So, if a man and a woman have consensual sex, and she gets pregnant, she can either be forced to raise the child (she didn't want), because you can't force fatherhood on men or abort it and put her health at risk? Pamela are you trying to gain male favoritism or something? Want all of the Neanderthals of the world to love you? Luckily, there are a few men that didn't fail biology and realize that the creation of a child is equally his responsibility. That is why the world somewhat continues to work. If you are a woman I hope you never find yourself in a position do many find themselves in. Even more so, I hope it's not with one of the "men" that agreed with your sexist, trashy article. Men can avoid fatherhood by putting on a condom.
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PJ, You didn't read the article.
Neanderthals are extinct.
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