Fear of Public Reaction

Growing up I always kept a journal…but back then, I did not share what I wrote with anyone. I didn’t dare…after all, what would people think of me and of my family? I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me, or judge me. I wrote because I didn’t have to justify my feelings or explain why I felt the way I felt, or thought the way I thought, or believed what I believed. I didn’t have to vie for anyone’s attention or wonder if I was heard or misunderstood. I didn’t have to worry about being politically correct, or if something I wrote, would offend someone. I just wrote my feelings…sometimes…fearing someone might read my journal, I tore the pages out. When I began keeping a journal on my computer, instead of tearing the pages out, I would delete them.

Subsequently, I began blogging, posting, and sharing, my writing, publicly. I began openly writing and sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. No longer were my journals being ‘edited’-they were out there, for anyone and everyone, to read. I don'

t tear out the pages, or delete my feelings. I don’t write with the expectation or fe

ar that my thoughts and or feelings may be

misread, or misconstrued.

I write because I am prone to emotional turmoil and mental turbulence. My journal acts as a bridge of sorts, and it spans the gap between my former self to my future self. It's a 'living' monument to the fluidity of my life.

I write because I feel better when I do. I don’t write seeking advice or sympathy, I write because the more I write about whatever it is, that I am feeling or thinking, the more I am able to distance myself from the painful memories of my past. It is almost as though, what I have been through, may be going through, experienced, felt, endured, overcome, or withstood, has happened, or is, happening, to someone else. I write about the positive aspects, insight, and perspective, I gain or have gained, as a result of, what I have been through or gone through. Keeping a journal allows me to prioritize, and focus on the positive aspects of my life, rather than the negative. This does not mean I don’t write about the negative events, circumstances, or experiences. I am tirelessly, constantly, striving, and trying, to not allow or permit, the negative, to diminish or overshadow the positive. I have no desire to burn any bridges, least of all, the bridge that I am on, or anyone else is on, for that matter. I am simply trying to bridge the gap between my former self and my future self, which is unduly exacting in its convictions. My journal acts as a bridge, between where I once was, as opposed to, where I am now.

I write, because when I talk about my past or something I have experienced or went through people often feel I am doing so because I want them to feel sorry for me, agree with me, commend me, or sympathize with me. I write because I feel compelled to, I write because I feel better after I ‘vent’-the only difference now is, that I share it publicly. Whatever my mood or feeling, whatever I feel or may be feeling, whatever I am experiencing, have experienced, gone through, been through or endured…I write about it. I am not dwelling or feeling sorry for myself, I don’t believe I have the corner market on grief, nor am I deluded enough to believe I am the only person in this world to have experienced a few ‘setbacks.’ Everyone has been through something…we all have a 'story' to tell. The only difference really, as I see it, is that I do so, openly.

Growing up, I guarded and ‘edited’ my journals and kept them hidden from prying eyes. I feared being judged, ridiculed, and or belittled, for my views, opinions, outlook, and feelings. I never wanted, nor do I want to, offend or harm anyone. Keeping a journal, writing, and documenting my feelings, is deeply personal. I will not apologize for my feelings-anymore than I would want, ask, or expect, someone/anyone, to apologize for theirs. There are many that may not see things as I do, feel as I feel, not everyone sees fit to share what he or she is feeling, feels, or felt, publicly ot privately. After all, no two people are the same, and no single experience, is or will the same for everyone. Fear of rejection or being judged is and can be damaging and detrimental, to ones psyche-it can impede or obstruct the bridge upon which we stand, that leads us from our former selves to our future selves.

Tearing out pages of my journal and deleting files, can't, won't, and doesnt, erase what has happened or may be happening, anymore than writing about it solves or resolves anything-I only know I feel better after I write. Of course, not everyone is, or will be, comfortable with the idea of keeping a journal, let alone sharing it publicly. Sometimes, some things, not everything, needs to be, nor should it be, shared. The truth is, the fact of the matter is, not everyone is comfortable taking a dump in public..