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Feeling Stuck in a Relationship

Updated on January 13, 2010

I received this relationship advice request via email, from Bill, who titled his email “Feeling Stuck in a Relationship."

"Your posts have been very helpful to me when thinking about my relationship at the moment, particularly the posts concerning not wanting to get married. I am in a similar situation myself.

Me and my partner are both 27 and have been together for the last six years.

We've been through so much together over that period of time and she is someone i care about deeply.

Over the pat two years she has endlessly talked about getting married and every time she mentions it I squirm. She constantly talks to her mother about it and her family and friends despite my obvious discomfort and has now given me an ultimatum; she want's to have a ring on her finger by the time she is 28 (so basically i have 10 months left to propose).

I just feel so guilty because I really don't want to be married to her and honestly feel that we want different things in our lives now. We are quite different people compared to when we first met in university and I feel that if I proposed I would be 'giving in to her' so to speak. The guilt I feel because of this is unbearable.

I have considered breaking up with her a few times, but I always change my mind and stay with her, mostly because I don't want to hurt her and also because I am utterly terrified of making the wrong decision. We are 'comfortable' together and she can be a truly great girlfriend at times. My parents love her (and her parents like me) but she can also be nagging, boring, sulky and can make me feel like a child. It's such a complicated relationship because we need each other in a way, but I don't think either of us are as happy as we could be.

Before I met her I was quite inexperienced and only had one previous girlfriend. My partner has had quite a lot of lovers and ex's and this hasn't really been a problem until recently. I have never cheated on her but I find myself longing to be free and single. The main reason I feel like this I suppose is that I now have a good job and plenty of great colleagues so I have more opportunities and options in my life.

I know this it totally unfair to string her along like this but I truly thought that I would grow used to the idea of marriage and settling down when we moved in together. I certainly didn't want or intend this to be the way it is.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I honestly have no idea what to do. WIll breaking it off and losing her be the worst thing I've ever done or is it the right thing to do?


My answer:


I’ve published a few articles in the same arena as your situation.

The girl wants to get married, the guy doesn’t. But that is where the similarities end. Each relationship is different, and brings with it an entirely specific set of circumstances. Each article is so vastly different from the others because the situations are so very different. I just published a Hub called Boyfriend says Not Now to marrying GF with BPD and the circumstances could not be more different.

Bill, you need to give yourself permission to end this relationship.

You’re 27, you’re at a very significant age. You’re in the Rites of Passage time, and your frontal lobes (Aren’t you sick of my bringing that up) are fully developed, which is why the pressure to make the right decision weighs upon you now. You understand consequence for the first time, and that includes the fears you expressed about this being a bad decision.

You’re being very clear and articulate. You squirm when she brings up marriage. You said, “I just feel so guilty because I really don't want to be married to her and honestly feel that we want different things in our lives now. “ I promise you, guilt is a horrible reason to marry, especially when you know and state so clearly that you do not want to be married TO HER.


It is a manipulative move on her part to discuss this with her family and friends knowing how uncomfortable it makes you. This is a very clear sign of the kind of manipulative and self-involved partner she will be. She doesn’t respect your feelings, and she doesn’t listen.

Now you say she’s given you an ultimatum. Well, good. Then you should take it and go. Why would you even entertain for a moment being treated like that for the next 50 years of your life?


You are one smart cookie to realize that you have not sewn your wild oats. You said you long to lead a single life. Honey, that feeling is going to get more and more intense as time goes on. There is no way in hell you can marry someone that you don’t want to marry, and expect it to work. This only confirms that. If you surrender your freedom now those feelings of longing will grow massive.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to experience things. With wanting to meet different people, and fall in love, and date, and see what is out there for you.  Quite the opposite – there is something infinitely wrong with denying that very natural and healthy growth process. Such denial will absolutely end with affairs, mid life crisises, and being completely miserable and buried by decisions you were nowhere near ready to make.

Wrong reasons to stay.

Bill, your ability to articulate what you’re feeling is amazing. Many men in your situation and at your age can’t do so. This paragraph of yours is absolutely stellar:

“I have considered breaking up with her a few times, but I always change my mind and stay with her, mostly because I don't want to hurt her and also because I am utterly terrified of making the wrong decision. We are 'comfortable' together and she can be a truly great girlfriend at times. My parents love her (and her parents like me) but she can also be nagging, boring, sulky and can make me feel like a child. It's such a complicated relationship because we need each other in a way, but I don't think either of us are as happy as we could be.”

You have to know that staying with her because you don’t want to hurt her is not fair to either of you. By the way, she doesn’t seem too hesitant about hurting you or at least making you very uncomfortable by giving ultimatums, and by discussing your private situation with friends and family to force you to do something you’re not ready to do.

Your parents and her parents can’t be part of this. I’m sorry hon, but put them out of your head. You’re the one that would have to live with the mistake or a marriage to someone you don’t want to marry. You have to think about it that way only.

Your being terrified of making a bad decision is right on schedule with your age. Now more than ever before in your life, you understand ramification and consequence. But don’t confuse that new awarity, with the outcome of this decision. You’re terrified of making the wrong decision. You are not however, terrified of losing of her.

It is a sad thing that you said she can be a great girlfriend “at times.” And that you are comfortable. You deserve more than comfortable, and more than “at times.” You have to allow yourself to know that. New doors can’t open for you until old ones close.

It is so highly important that you said she makes you feel like a child. Her nagging, and sulking are really going to magnify after marriage.

If you have any respect and care for her at all, you should want her to have the opportunity to be with someone who wants to marry her. You aren’t doing her any favors staying with her, not wanting to marry her, and feeling all the ways you feel.

You know what you need to do. Give yourself permission to do it.

This article

Was written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it elsewhere, it has been stolen.

Let's be authentic.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are courtesy of Youtube.

Feel free to ask my relationship advice. Thanks!


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  • profile image

    Marie2011 6 years ago

    Dear Veronica,

    I am 17 years old an my boy friend is 18 soon to be 19, we have been in a relationship for 3 years now and we are engaged he goes to a tech school and im a senior in high school, I feel like me and him have just been dragging out our relationship b/c we cant be apart, i guess mostly because we are so used to each others company, but he is my frist love and i kinda want to get out of the relationship b/c he cant trust me and i cant trust him, he brings up my past to much when we would break up we have broken up so much in the past 3 years and its tore me apart i love him but i don't think i am ready to settle down b/c i still have half my life to live, i really want to lead a single life for a bit to see how it is b/c i met my bf when i was a freshman in high school we have been together ever since off and on. i don't kno what to do b/c he has always been the one to break it off i thought he was the one for me. I cant go out and do ne thing and he never wants to go out or take me anywhere, he always questions me about "who have i talked to at school today?" has any one tried to flirt with me and stuff like that i think b/c of our past we cant move on to the future and i don't know if i should stay in the relationship or if he is the one im meant to be with. he has 2 years of tech school and i accuse him just as he does me i kno we are just in high school and most high school sweethearts don't work out but he brings up my past to much and it hurts me b/c i don't want to live in the past, he proposed to me and i thought he would break up with me if i didn't tell him yes and when we break up and he wants me back he always guilts me back into the relationship so i just go with it i really just don't kno what to do and really want out while i can still have fun with my friends and go do things.

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    tori2010 6 years ago

    Dear Veronica, I have been reading all of your advice. You are exactly the person I was seeking. Someone who seemed like they actually knew what they were talking about. I feel a sense of relief. On to what I need help on! My boyfriend and I had been together for about a year before it became long distance. I was so sad, and now I know I had handled everything very immaturely. I cried every night to my man and he agreed he missed me too. But as weeks went by issues arised and he started enjoying his time at college and making new friends. He had less and less time for me. And I noticed a change.weeks of arguing and questioning went on. I'll fast forward to the present. A week ago he admitted that this ldr wasn't working because he knew I was still sad about it and he couldn't handle it himself anymore and he didn't think being in a relationship was best for him until his schooling was over. He said he needed to grow as a person and that he still loved me and still wanted to talk,see me when he did visit home and he even said he still considers me his. He said he knew that no matter what we would end up together. Whether that be now or later. He calls me every few days now for a few minutes to see what's going on and how im doing. I asked if he liked the break and he said kinda. I asked about it more and he said he feels like he has to answer to me and that he feels guilty when he hasn't contacted me for a while and that when he drinks or smokes he feels guilty because of me. I told him because we were on a break he didn't actually have to answer to me. And he said he still feels guilty. Idk if im right. But I don't think Its a good thing about him feeling guilty. It puts me at unease. He shouldn't feel guilty because of me. He should feel guilty only because he has to answer to himself. We are both 20. I love him. I really honestly do. Im willing to give him his space and figure things out. He seems so confused about everything. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to think or do. IV heard that guys know if they actually do want to be with someone or not and they don't let go because they are scared they might regret it or they want to do whatever they want and then have their loved one waiting for them when they're done. I don't want to be put on a back burner. I just need someone to read about the situation and speak some good advice that will help give some clarity to what is really going on. He said he doesn't want to see other people. I asked him if there was another girl and he said no. He asked me if I wanted to see other people and I said no and he said good. So everything he says makes sense for the most part.i just don't know where to go from here. Btw he finishes school in less then 6 months.

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    Kaitlyn 6 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    My boyfriend and I have been going out for just about 3 years. I am 21 and he is 22. He is a really nice guy, caring, funny, committed...everything I always hoped for in a relationship. My real issue now is that everything has changed since the beginning. I have tried voicing this to him and my friends and their answer to this is always "things are bound to change after that long." Except, the guy who I fell in love with was the guy in the beginning of the relationship. This guy was head over heels for me, said cute things to me, reassured me of his affection and love...

    Now in our relationship there is no romance, no sweet/nice comments, no spontaneity. We are just stuck in an on going, never changing rut. When I started to realize this a couple months ago I told him exactly this and said that we need to work at our relationship... and he completely agreed. So, naturally I felt so much better because I really do love the guy and want to be with him.

    Then...a few months after that nothing had changed. So i tell him again how I'm feeling and still nothing has changed. I don't know if its because I'm one of his first relationship or what but nothing seems to be sinking in. There is something that is just missing. But the weird thing is...he thinks everything is completely normal.

    Really, in the end, all I want is for someone to love me and be loved just as much in return.


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    Sarah 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica,

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, and I'm starting to have doubts as to what to do now. Lately we haven't been getting along,we keep getting into pointless arguments and it's just not stopping. I think a lot of the problem has to do with past issues, two years ago I was told he was cheating on me while I was out of the country, turns out an "ex" was just bitter about me dating him so I'm told. Deep down I truly do trust him, but sometimes I'll remember that feeling I got when I was told he cheated and am terrified of feeling that way again that I convince myself to already think he has done something wrong, in a sense trying to prepare myself for the worst rather than be blindsided. I obviously know this is my own problem and it is by all means terrible, but when I talk to him about the way I feel it more or less annoys him that this is even an issue. I feel like this has just snowballed into one huge problem where we're at this point where we can't even have a nice, mature conversation about anything other than how the weather is. It's gotten to the point where we're both considering ending the relationship, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or not. I'm completely confused about where to go from here, and I'd appreciate your advice very much!

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    Jay 7 years ago

    Hi Veronica thanks for the brillaint advice on here been looking all over for this kind of support.

    So to the issue i'm facing at the moment i'm in a 4 year relationship with my girlfriend who i'm renting with, i'm 27 and she's 24 we met online on a profile website when we first met i couldn't belive how lucky i was she was amazing. For the past year though doubts on the relationship have been popping into my head which i have been trying to dissmiss, such as tantrums she's been having telling me when i can see my family, wedding, kids and crying when i tell herr im off to see my friends. She is desperate for us to marry and i have told her i'm not ready for this and am happy as we are but her family have been pushing her which inturn pressures me, she has told me that she will not wait around forver for me to make a decision. I guess im learning that this is not the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and im trying to push it out my head as i really don't want to hurt her and want to make her happy. The problem i'm facing is that i'm currently serving in iraq and really want to tell her this face to face as im living i lie when i call and pretend everything is fine, i feel expressing my thoughts over the phone is cowardly but waiting until the end of my tour in a acouple of months is cruel to her? If i were to tell her now i feel that with everything on her mind of me been out here and then having to move out and find somewhere on her own is too much for her to cope with, im confussed, your help on this would be greatly appreciated.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    alphonse elric,

    Sometimes, it just doesn't work. You could do everything right, you could love her and she could love you, but it just doesn't work. The important thing, and I really mean this, is for you to remember that this is not your fault. You sound very caring, and insightful. You are trying hard to see things from both sides, you are giving her alot of leeway and you sound very committed to making this work. These are admirable qualities.

    She sounds like a classic teenager. Her hormones are changing, her emotions are raw and deep. She has some damage from another relationship, and she's too young to really know how to be a strong individual yet, let alone part of a couple.

    Just be yourself. I know that sounds lame, but if being yourself doesn't bring you into the heart of this person, than it really isn't meant to be.


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    alphonse elric 8 years ago

    my girl friend and i have been together for 7 months and were wat she says ''ehh''. like things stoped moving for us and im just there sometimes. i don't want to lose her because i love her to no end. but wen wee got together, she went from a jock to me a band geek, so we were under alot of ridicul and threatened by a few people but were still togther. the first boyfriend she had abused her mentaly and emotionaly, to where shed cant even make up her mind if she loves me anymore. she hatyes her ex and i hate mine. she says sometimes i can be unbarable, and she hates to be around me, i smother her i understand and i atleast try. wen shes upset i try to get her to smile but she never does and always will say later that i was being immature about things and i need to grow up.

    wen she gets mad shell hit me but its nothing,(which is ironic that shes mature but shell fight like a four year old). im always jumping through hoops for her and everything i do, she will be happy for maybe a ay then she'll be mad or sad again. but oddly we never fight or have a big fight. then shell bring up saying her old boy friend fought all the time and it brang them closer. so i don't know what to do anymore... please someone help

  • profile image

    Not myself 8 years ago


    I've been stuck or lost for sometime now, and I really feel as if this long 5 years is over. I have my family trying to push me to end it and knowning they are there to catch me when i fall, is great but it doesn't help in the now.

    I met my bf in highschool. We moved in together, I was working 3 jobs and going to college. I flunked out, now i graduated high school with a 3.9 gpa, flunking is NOT me. So after 2 yrs of a on again off again relationship, I ended up pregnant. when my son was 3 months, a rumor was said he cheated, and was going to leave. I believed him and still to this day do not think he cheats but, his comments and the constant thinking i do, really makes me wonder. Now, we moved to another state to "try and make it work." and we are back to the state where we started bc we couldn't find good work. Our son is 2 and about 3 weeks ago we fought so loudly and so horrible infront of him, i guess we just keep our mouths shut bc we don't want him to see mommy and daddy fighting. We have different opionions of whAT IS good parenting and what isn't. Different opionions on his hair style, how to displine, potty training, everything. Hes a great father, i feel i hit the jackpot on that one, i don't want to take my son away from his father, and i don't want my son away from me. I know he stays when we fight bc of our son. And i know that is no reason to stay in a realationship especailly when he says he doesn't like me.

    He feels i nag, and im needy and lazy, and im not on the same page as him, as he has a great job, i have a desent job but no future here. He has a future with him company, he keeps talking about buying a house together, but not marriage. When we fight, like every day, He tells me he doesn't like me and stays so he can see his son everyday instead of everyother weekend, considering courts favor the mother.

    As far as i feel, in our relationship, his way is the right way, my opions have no meaning. I came from a single mother, who did everything on her own, i feel me being with him I am not myself. I have no opionion and when i speak my mind it ends in a fight. I can't do anything right bc the way i make something or say something or do anything isn't correct bc it isn't the way he says is right. and to jusify his very male commemorated and very anti femininity, he says if you just listen and do it my way, it will have the same output everytime, and it will be done the right way. he always brings my familys mistakes into our fights, my brothers one big into drugs the other 30 just had a baby and no job not even a place to live. and my mother was murdered by her bf when i was 14. He brings that up like it was part of his life, like it has affected us. When im not even allowed to visit my druggy brother to try and help. i barely communicate with my family bc they don't like him and well he doesn't like them. My family my not have all the luxuries of life ilke his does, but they are happy, and will do anything for any member of there own family. Growing up, i was the smart one, i had a future. and i feel the only way to fix my mistakes and to have a future for my son as well as myself is to end it. I am young i will be 23 in july. as my aunt tells me, if i go back to school now, my son wont relaize im gone soo much, bc he is still young and if i can figure it out b4 he goes to kindergarden then i have a bright future for him and me. I don't have friends, i don't go out. I may have gone to a bar once since i turned 21. My son has only slept over night from me once in 2 yrs and besides that ive gone out 3 other times but had to pick him up by 10 30. These are his parenting skills. I have to always be with our son. Bc no one is allowed to watch him. Witch i feel trapped. I have friends my age with kids, and they go out, the work and go to school. I don't. I had to leave a job i liked so i could be home earlier to spend more time with him. I go to work b4 the sun comes out and i don't see my son until after i get out of work which is b4 12pm. Don't get me wrong i love the time with him. I feel like im blessed to be able to spend most of his day with him. But at the same time i am 22 and have no life outside of my sons. outside of my boyfriends. He has friends, he has m-f job 8-5 bennys, everything. Ive gone as far as i can with my company and it was too much time away from my son, so i demoded myself. and i don't want to be where i was, i dotn want to be with the company. once 530 hits, my stomach gets tense, i feel like im walking on eggshels when hes home.

    other days he is the greatest, but theres miore bad days then good. and theres always one point in the day that he makes me feel as small as a pebble. I think i cry at least 6 days a week. Mostly in the shower, or after hes alseep.

    theres deff more bad times then good. but i love him so much and the good times are soooo good. they are just far and few. I don't think i ever got over losing my mother, and i cling to my bf as why he think im needy, I am. But at the same time, he lets me be. I can be very independed, but if i do a handy job aroudn the house and hes home i do it wrong, if i do it while hes not home, i did a great job but, theres always a but. nothing is ever good enough.

    i guess the advice i am looking for is the how. I know all the reason why, I have all the answers for that, i think. But these past 3 weeks have been quite and im still holding on to that fight bc it was just a big one, and effect my son so much, he saw it, he new it happened. he acted dif, and i don't ever want that to happen again. i love my baby soo much and i feel i have nothing to offer him, that i work to help with the bills, daddy makes all the money dady makes the desions, what am i here for love? thats great but i feel sooo depressed so usless, I have no friends, i don't do ANYTHING. and i feel like im 50. I watch tv shows after my son goes to sleep and im sleeping by 10 pm bc im soo tierd bc i get up at 4 am and run after a toddler all day. even if i am aksed my opionion, one way or another he will put it as im wrong. Ive asked to go back to school adn he said i cant bc i need to bring a certain amount of money into the house every week, and i need to be with our son by 12 pm everyday. he cant be in daycare fulltime bc my bf doiesnt want him to be. I wouldn't mind, i think it would be better, hes a bad kid around other kids. he goes 3 hrs a day and is always hitting other kids. his family tells me he acts just the way his dad did. His family doesn't even know why i stay.

    The thing i don't know is, how , how do i bring it up, he doesn't like to have a human converstaion with me. last time we did, he said everything in our apt was his. am i suppose to just up and leave everything? He even said he wanted our son, im sorry i would never leave him. Last time we fought he told me to elave and i couldn't take my son, Im sorry you raise your voice and you act horrible to me , i will not leave my son with him after a fight. I don't know if we talked and ended our relationship on a good note if we could compermise. Bc i ask him to compermise with me on things all the time, and his resonse is he is always right, there is no commpermises. I don't want everything, id like to talk and work it out, i really feel he doesn't like me, and it is over. then he;ll come home tonight and act like we are the greatest couple in the world, and thats what makes it last another day. i don't know if he feels the way to do when he isn't here. but when we do talk after our fights the things i do that drive him crazy are the same things he does that drive me crazy. with a pro and con list theres more cons then pros. I guess i feel the same way as another poster said. What if i do this and i regret it for my son, or even for me. I feel like im broken if we break up, i wont be able to date bc he is like crazy and would ruin every relationship i tried to get into, not that i want one until i am well on my way to a great future for my son and i. I am just so confused, and so lost, and just very unhappy. i want to be a young 22 yr old that can go out from time to ti

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    I think I may be the "weird" comment -

    Hi, and no, you're not. I am matching the IP from this comment, and it is the same as the IP on "Somewhat Perturbed says."

    The weird comment I was referring to is gone now, it could be that they posted some weirdness on several different hubs, was flagged as spam, and hubpages removed all their entries. I really don't know.

    But anyway, no, you weren't weird at all. I do think you're totally missing how sympathetic I am to the girlfriend though. I don't disagree with you at all - Summer was a selfish jerk. When Will commented again, all I wanted to know about was how the ex is. I have written entire hubs on the person that was in her shoes.

    I think there is a place in the middle.

    Taking the movie 500 Days of Summer as our example, there is more to it than just that she strung him along. She agreed to go out with him, she got to know him, she was having fun and enjoying him. Most people don't feel emphatically head over heels in love right away. At least, not with the wrong person anyway. She says it at the end, she liked Tom, but she seemed to be missing something. Something he was always describing, and she wasn't feeling. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was open to loving him, but it didn't happen. When she realized that special something was missing, she extricated herself. When she met the guy she married, she "knew" what had been missing. She had no frame of reference for that when she was with Tom.

    The selfish jerk part comes when she invites him over, not telling him she's in love with someone else.

    I feel terrible for Tom, and I feel bad for Will's ex gf, and would still like to know what happened to her after they parted. Will's ex handled things pretty badly and manipulatively which definitely affects the pity level. But I still feel very sorry for her. Of course.

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    I think I may be the "Weird Comment" 8 years ago

    I hear what you're all saying--both Veronica and Will Knight. In the end, it absolutely is the right decision to not get married for the wrong reasons. But don't you feel any compassion for all the time, love, energy you took from them earlier----for years in some cases? I guess that's just what seems really screwed up to me. I thought Summer was super selfish. It's one thing to take time to figure something out, but it seems really screwed up to me to know that someone else wants more and you can't give them that and not to cut things off---let him/her go so they can find that person that can truly reciprocate.

    It's really hard to let someone go, especially when you know they're a great person. But if you can't give them what they need/want, then that's the right thing to do. And to take 5 years to figure that out when someone has supported you through incredibly hard times (like being deployed in Iraq), that seems pretty f'ed up. Incredibly selfish. Maybe I just make decisions sooner than that, but 5 years seems crappy---especially when taking up a women's mid-twenties if she wants to have kids. And if you're telling her you love her---how is that not confusing?

    I really enjoyed 500 days of Summer, but I had more than just that "sometime it's just not right" message. What about Tom? I felt so bad for him. Summer says she doesn't want a boyfriend, but then acts as if she does, at least in part. No wonder he's as confused as heck--I think this is what happens to a lot of women (partly their fault, but partly his too). When he asked her why she danced with him at the wedding if she was involved with the guy who ended up being her husband, she first responds, "well, he hadn't asked me yet" and the guy says, "yeah but he was in your life" and then she says, "well I wanted to". And then he responds, "you think a lot about what you want". I think that sums it up perfectly. Summer has no problem being with Tom as Mr. Right Now though she knows he wants to be more than that to her. To continue on under those circumstances makes Tom a fool, but Summer a selfish jerk too (and it's the selfish jerk part, Veronica, that you seem to not even acknowledge which irks me).

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    Will Knight !!

    So glad to hear from you again! Thanks for keeping us posted.

    Can you bring us up to date on your ex gf? I know we discussed in the article, and then in your specific comment, that she deserves to be looked at with those loving eyes, and loved in that way... the way that you just didn't. And that staying with her for the wrong reasons was preventing her from finding that true love, that person that loves her the way she deserves to be loved.

    (Despite that weird comment that obviously hadn't read or understood what I said.)

    I'm curious how she is now. How is she doing? Do you know?

    The friend you emailed - I don't know his situation. If it's cold feet, the right girl at the wrong time, or what. But I'm sure he appreciates having a good friend he can talk to. 500 Days of Summer was a great example. Sometimes, it's just not right.

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    Will Knight 8 years ago

    7 months later

    So I decided to come back to this article because one of my friends is getting married in less than 2 months and he has substantial doubts and I told him about my experience and I remembered this article helping me tremendously in making my decision.

    Here is the email I replied to him which basically sums up how I am so happy now although breaking up was so hard at the time. Thanks Veronica!


    yea man i was exactly where you were. i was depressed all last year. this is a secret too but i got really depressed because i was in a situation that i didn't want to be in and i ended up getting prescribed prozac for a while. i thought the depression was coming from post war shit but it was all from stupid not wanting to get married to *****. honestly a lot of the stuff i figured out after breaking up. i never imagined this other side of the world. last year, i felt like i would be the biggest douchebag, disappointment, ruin her life, etc etc if i broke up with her.... but actually now i really feel everything turned out to be the best for me and for her. because she truly deserves to be with someone who really really loves her.... not some guy who has doubts and his thoughts wander and cant give her what she wants.

    and ya know she was nothing but perfect to me-- i guess just not perfect FOR me. always there for me, so loyal, when i was in iraq she gave me everything i needed, took care of my condo while i was gone, she is smart and has a good job, etc etc but all that didn't matter because my stupid heart said she wasn't the one. how lame is that, right?

    i don't want to persuade you in ANY way. but you just have to truthful. you watch 500 days of summer? i loved that movie because i felt just like summer in that movie when i was going through my shit HAHA. and i listened to this linkin park song about 10 times a day too lol.

    just be truthful. you have to love yourself first. you have to be truthful to what you want, your feelings, and your actions. otherwise you will be lying and creating this illusion. but the truth may also be you really loving **** and you guys really being happy. only u know the answer bro. :)

    "you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

    -john 8:32

  • profile image

    Somewhat Perturbed 8 years ago


    I've read many of your posts and I've been quite impressed by your insight and depth of compassion, but I feel like you missed some important issues here. Your advice seems very one-sided.

    I agree with your ultimate result---Bill shouldn't marry this woman, but I disagree with you being so gentle with him. I truly believe he feels guilty because he's been cowardly and selfish, perhaps unintentionally so initially, but at some point, he should have known better. He should have thought more of her than just himself. He says he doesn't want to hurt her, but I think that's very self-serving. Doesn't he realize that he will just hurt her more in the end by living a lie? I don't think he gives a fig about hurting her, he just doesn't want to feel like a jerk for doing so.

    I know I'm likely projecting my own issues, but I think there is some legitimacy to them regardless. I've been in the same position that his girlfriend is in, and it quite frankly sucks. I'm not condoning her manipulative, selfish behavior, but having been there, I can relate to it. When you're getting mixed signals, it can be very confusing. He says he loves you, you've been very clear about how important marriage is and yet he keeps stalling---just as she should respect his feelings, he should be considering hers as well? Where was his concern for her dreams, if he knew he didn't want to be a part of them? Sure, if she had been more enlightened (I wish I had been at that time), she would have hit the road earlier, realizing that he was never on board with being a part of her dreams. But instead, he stays and likely tells her that he loves her. He doesn't mind taking all that she offers, but feels guilty afterwards. I believe there is a reason for that.

    He knows, at some point, that he's doing this under false pretenses. And doing that with someone's heart is pretty crappy. Sure, maybe, it's risk we all take when we love another, but where is this man's honor? I believe he feels guilty because he hasn't been honest nor honorable---to either her or himself. And he should feel guilty. He has been doing the wrong thing, he has been leading her on (at least at some point), and deep down, I think he knows it.

    Sure, it's better to come clean eventually and not get married rather than marry for the wrong reasons--better to stop being a coward and be honest with her, but it doesn't mean that it erases his cowardice of the past 1-3+ years. Where is your sympathy for the woman he leaves at the wayside, heartbroken and disillusioned? Perhaps she deserves some of it, but it is part his responsibility too.

    I'm glad he's more enlightened and learning to be true and honest to himself, but I still feel great compassion for the woman that is going to bear so much the brunt of his self-growth.

    I guess I see love as more than a present ideal. When you truly love someone, you care for them more than yourself, at least that's what I think. Even when you're married, there are going to be time when she's further along "the path" than you are and vice versa and the point of true commitment is that when you're the one further ahead, that you don't ditch your partner. You help him/her to catch up, to grow---because, trust me, there are going to be time that you're the one further behind and you're going to need the help of someone that loves you. I'm not sure what this man felt for this woman, but it seems a weak love at best.

  • ForReal511 profile image

    ForReal511 8 years ago from Fort Lauderdale, FL

    This is so great Veronica! Thank you for shedding light on something so important. I definitely dated a guy who was very similar to the girl in this hub. The INSTANT that I escaped him (as written about in my last hub ( my life got better. That's seriously not an exaggeration...Oh man is it ever not an exaggeration. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for such great insight and for such a well-written hub.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    There are women's shelters all over the country. Ask a friend or family member to keep your dog momentarily because of the urgency of the situation, and then go. Every day you stay you make it worse. If you stay in that house and have your baby you will regret it for the rest of your life.

  • profile image

    sarah. 8 years ago

    Hi i juat want some advice really if you can please, i am pregnant with my partner but feel as though our relaionship has come to an end, i believe hes been/is cheating on me and hes always lying to me and getting caught, he has all of a sudden 'started working late' i don't know how to get out of the relationship as i cant afford the house on my own so all i can do is sit back and let him carry on with what hes doing, i really really don't want to be in this relationship anymore and need to find a way out it is my house but he will not leave and if he did i couldn't live here on my own anyway due to paying the rent, hes stared getting aggressive towards me and when i bring something up he will twist it were i feel like the bad one, im really down at the moment and need out, is there anything i can do or anywhere i can go? the only thing i have got in my life is my unborn baby and my dog, i know i could go into a hostel or something but i have got my dog with me and couldn't bare to lose him, any ideas??


  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY


    I have been in the wrong relationships. I have wanted the guy that didn't want me. I have ignored the signs, I have tried to be with the right guy whom I didn't feel romantic love for because of guilt, sex, and gifts - just exactly as you stated. I have been in my twenties. I have fucked up, loved too hard, fallen flat on my ass, taken advantage, and then watched so many single friends - male and female - go through all of the same things.

    I appreciate all the compliments, and god knows I appreciate the readership, here and on the blog especially. I'm very honored that I've been able to relay what I've learned from my experiences and conversations, in a way that has helped you.

    Darlin' you know exactly what I'm going to say. You just wanted to throw it out into the universe to feel it bounced back in tact.

    There's only one reason to get married: you can't imagine your life without her. The thought of waking up without her is unbearable. You feel valued and safe with her, and you know you make her feel the same way. You're both strong individuals and together you're an even stronger team. The only reason you should marry is because you want to spend the rest of your life on this road, with this person, whom you love completely.

    You don't feel that way about this girl. There's your answer.

    You may have had a great relationship at one time, she may have been very supportive, and you may have felt like promising the world. But clearly that time is long gone. Your heart has moved on. Your brain has physically changed.

    Your right, one day when she is with someone that loves her the way she loves them, she will be very happy you ended this. But don't expect her to feel that way now. You're breaking up with her because you've changed. You don't love her. You don't want to marry her.

    Don't be a coward, and don't drag this on anymore.

  • profile image

    Will Knight 8 years ago


    First and foremost thank you for writing. I have been up all night searching for answers and your words of wisdom really shined a bright light on my issue. The question posed in this article is EXACTLY what I am going through except for the fact that I proposed.

    We are both 27. We've been together nearly 5 years. We have gone through SO MUCH together. I was in the military so she waited for me faithfully while I was deployed to Iraq. She stuck with me through my my hardships with school, failed real estate ventures, debt, and all my personal struggles. Heck I even proposed to her because I just felt like it was the next step but it just never felt right. I always just thought to myself, "well my heart is always wrong and I need to stop being stupid because this girl is amazing and great to me."

    But right now as I speak I am so unhappy. I even moved away from her but somehow I just feel like I can't break things off because just like the reader, I don't want to feel like I ruined her life or I am going to make a decision I will regret.

    To me it never made sense why I would want to break up with her - she's a girl that LOVES sports, she is there at my every beck and call, and she just loves me so unconditionally which makes me feel so flattered.... but I am realizing as perfect of a girl that she is, she is not perfect FOR me. And the words that you wrote here are exposing the reasons why. She gives me ultimatums. She keeps telling me she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will regret it for the rest of my life which makes me feel inadequate. She gives me guilt that I made promises to her and her family and that now I am acting like a coward. She doesn't communicate her feelings well. She keeps pushing the wedding on me even though that is something I don't want right now (I know I proposed). I am so overwhelmed with other pressures and I communicate this to her but yet she applies more pressure without knowing it.

    Is this because she is a successful only-child? Sometimes I feel like if we just get the wedding over with, we can get back to where we were when we first started dating with no problems. She has been dreaming of this big, white wedding since she was a little girl so is this why she is acting so irrational, emotional, and different? Or is this really exposing her true colors?

    This is absolutely the hardest decision I ever made in my life. She really is my best friend, but I think I have to break it off with her after really considering your advices. I don't think a man can be pressured into this. It has to be a strong self-conscientious decision on my part to want to have a wedding. If I stay with her, I feel like a bi-polar mess keep going back and forth in my head thinking "is this really the one?" When I would have doubts, they would be quickly cleared with a sexual activity or her showering me with gifts.... but unfortunately thoese doubts ALWAYS come back! Is it because my aura is geared for unhappiness or not being able to handle good things? I am a mess but I can't put her through this because it is unfair for her. She needs someone that WANTS to marry her and will love her the same way she loves back.

    But she says, "but I don't want anyone else." And that adds more guilt and pressure on me. :(

    We tried counselling, talking to friends and family and everything else. But one thing I realize from this whole ordeal is you can never deny your heart. Leading your heart is SO hard to do as well.

    Veronica I hope you really read this because I really admire your writings. I also just followed your blog and I really hope to hear from you. Thank you so much.

  • profile image

    Liz 8 years ago

    This post really speaks to me even if my situation isn't as serious. I've been in a relationship with my man for almost 2 years and for the last 6 months I've been wanting to get out. I've tried breaking up with him twice now and we just get back together because it's comfortable. And it just seems like every time I bring something up about this he doesn't see it coming at all and that makes me feel really guilty because I'm blind-siding him. Also, whenever these thoughts start popping up again I always lose control of my emotions and then have no one to turn to because I don't have many close friends and those I do have are too busy to fit me in their schedule. And then of course I go to him for comfort. I'm going to work on this. I'm young (just starting college) but I am more mature than others my age and I know this isn't going to last forever. He feels that we're soul mates, and I did at first; but now I've found that we just have too many differences.

  • Marisa Wright profile image

    Kate Swanson 8 years ago from Sydney

    Happy endings, Veronica - you may recall I'm now happily married. It was spooky how it happened - after 10 years I found myself in a weird situation that kind of forced my hand, and I decided to move out. From that moment on, everything in my life clicked like a jigsaw falling into place: I found a share apartment in a day, was offered a new job, and met my new man within a month. I'm not into superstition but I still feel there was something spookily fated about the whole thing...

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    WOW Marisa. Thanks for sharing that.


  • Marisa Wright profile image

    Kate Swanson 8 years ago from Sydney

    I identified so much with this post. After my first marriage broke up, I got involved with a lovely man. We had nothing in common but he was so sweet and loving I let myself be sucked into a relationship - then found I couldn't get out. Not because I knew he was my soulmate, but because I couldn't bear to hurt such a nice guy by leaving. It took me ten years to pluck up the guts to end it, and now I feel guilty for not doing it sooner - because I prevented him from getting out there and finding his soulmate.

  • profile image

    NJC 8 years ago

    Yayyy I did something good! Yes, my situation is quiet different than Bill's. but this article was certainly helpful to see the other side of the coin :)

  • profile image

    Iðunn 8 years ago

    great commentary about what is truly kind and fair. I tend to be able to flee relationships pretty well. it's the non-relationships I tend to get stuck in.

    great hub.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    NJC, your situation is really alot different from Bill's, but I think it's great that you're trying so hard to see things form your boyfriends perspective. That, my dear, is the sign of a true partner.

  • profile image

    NJC 8 years ago

    Reading this post makes me think of how my boyfriend must feel a lot of times when I try to force himm to do things he does not want to. I haven't give him an ultimatum to marry me but in several ways I have nag him about it and he has been stressing a lot about the subject. To the point that when we talk about it he starts choosing his words carefully. The article Veronica wrote about my question and this article are very helpful not only for the nagging gf but also for the suffering bf...sometimes it is possible to finnd a balance if partners still love each other...but I think there is a point when one of them will walk away because she/her has run out of excuses to stay in the relationship...

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 8 years ago from NY

    Hi Bill,

    When someone writes in for advice they reveal so much that they aren't aware they are saying. The words they choose, the order of things they reveal, the things they defend... it's all very telling if you just really listen. Your words were very clear.

    I know this is scary, but she forced your hand with the ultimatum. You're not going to regret this. I understand what you're saying, but I promise you "comfortable" and "at times great" is not something you'll regret losing. You should only consider marrying someone because you love her, you want to marry her, you can't imagine a day of your life waking up without her. You'll see.

    Best to you.

  • profile image

    Bill 8 years ago

    Hey Veronica,Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words. You reply wasn't at all what I expected and I mean that in a good way.You see, I have felt this way for such a long time that I convinced myself that i was 'wrong' for not wanting to get married or wanting to lead a single life. I haven't shared these feelings with many people but you are the first to show me respect and talk to me like I'm normal for feeling this way. This genuinely has made me feel more in control of my guilt. I've been looking for new places and am starting to consider my options for moving on. I absolutely dread telling her and am still terrified that one day I'll look back and regret my decision to end things. I'm sure there will be days when I'll miss what we had together, and the good times we spent, but if it's a choice between risking regret or a life married for the wrong reasons; it's the lesser of two evils.thanks againBill


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