- Gender and Relationships
Finding Love In 2010
Finding Love In 2010
I was somewhat loathe to start a topic on the one thing that I'd rather not talk about. But on Christmas Day my husband, father and I were in a chinese buffet restaurant celebrating when the couple in the booth next to ours brought my attention to this topic quite interestingly.
This couple was clearly on a date and judging by the conversation(trust me I wasn't eavesdropping but the gentlemen was rather loud) it was their first. First of all I can't imagine why anyone would choose a holiday for a date unless neither of them celebrate christmas but that isn't the point of this topic.
The man, his name was Larry(I know this because his cell phone rang several times with a very loud, "Answer your cell phone Larry") was quite talkative. There's nothing wrong with that except he didn't give his date a chance to talk about herself at all. That's big no-no. There must be give and take in the conversation. Something I didn't learn for quite some time.
The second, no forgive me it's probably the first big thing you never do on a date, is talk about other women/men you know/date/hookup with/are friends with, etc. That right there is a relationship killer before it ever gets started. The average person never talks about women/men he/she is seeing/communicating with to his/her coworkers/neighbors/acquantances, etc. so why on earth would a person do it with someone he/she doesn't know?
Poor Larry I guess doesn't know this because he proceeded to talk about the women that wouldn't stop calling or leave him alone. Even going so far as to tell her when he would actually take the other woman's call. Now that's just uncalled for.
You don't talk about other women/men you date/hookup with etc. No one wants to hear it and it's a date killer. I can almost guarantee you won't get a second date.
Don't talk about religion or politics on a date either. In fact don't talk these things for a few dates and only when you both feel comfortable and be ready for disagreement. Too big of a disagreement can mean incompatibility right from the start so it's good to find out these things early in the relationship. You don't want to invest too much time into it to find out it could never work.
Okay I know just about everyone has a checklist for their future significant other but these lists have alot to be desired. What I mean is it all looks good on paper but that doesn't mean it's going to be so good off the paper. Too many people have so many things they want that no one can ever measure up. I know women who will scratch a man off their list as soon as the first undesirable trait surfaces. I hate to be the one to break it but there are going to be very many undesirable traits in a person. We are human and until that changes we are all subject to many character flaws and imperfections. If you follow that list to a tee you will never find anyone.
I'm not saying a list isn't useful, it is and everyone needs to know what they desire and what they don't. But for the most part this list will never work and everything you think you know is completely wrong.
Too different it won't work, too much of the same won't work either. There has to be delicate balance to achieve good results.
One of the biggest hurdles comes for the single christian. A christian wants certain things and he/she simply won't waiver from it. I'm not saying this is wrong either but sometimes that list just has to be thrown out and you just have to go with it. It is understandable that today's single is far more apprehensive than those of yesteryear when marriages lasted fifty years. Unfortunately those days are gone forever. That doesn't mean one can't find a life partner today but it's alot harder.
Churches teach not to waiver from what you want and that teaching is not all wrong but suffers from alot of fallacy. I don't suggest one accept just anyone as a partner so as not to be alone, what I do suggest is to look long and hard at yourself and decide if you can accept some things you didn't think you could and decide if you can't waiver from some list that it might be better to stay single and don't whine about it. Accept it graciously.
Being single is harder and easier today. Easier being the days of a woman having to rely on a man for support are gone. Harder being divorce is much higher today than it was yesterday, there is so much information out there by so many authors and most of it is accessible online that a person's mind is swarming by the time he/she reads it all. And most people today utilize the internet to try and find Mr/Mrs Right. The single person thinks there will be something new today that wasn't there yesterday and that will offer the magic potion for finding that special someone. There is no magic elixir.
One thing to remember, people change with time and the things he/she is interested in today might be completely different in ten years.
Whatever you learned about relationships from books and online resources can pretty much be thrown out. Those books were written with one thing in mind, making money. There will be a few good tidbits but very few so remember that.
Lastly, after you've been together for awhile(usually a short time) you will know if you should stay together or break it off. But don't let others dictate what you should do or not. Listen to their advice and then decide for yourself.
There are a couple of resources I think are relevant to this topic. The first for men being askmen.com and for women datingadvicesecrets.com. I had a link to courtship but was forced to take it out so you can just google courtship and find resources on your own. You can of course google dating for both men and women and find much information.
The one thing I don't like is all the advertisements on advice sites but that's how they get revenue. There's nothing wrong with online dating just be careful. You already know the old adage that people can say anything and pretend to be anyone they want online. Keep that in mind when dating online. Don't assume anything until you've met this person in person and don't get ahead of yourself thinking you have feelings for someone you're emailing online. It's all in your head, infatuation. You can't possibly know this person until you met and gotten to know him/her. The internet can be intoxicating, stay sober and smart. Don't let anyone fool you and if you think you might be getting in a little over your head let a friend/sibling/parent/someone you trust read the emails and see what he/she thinks. They will be clear headed when you may not be. Keep all emails for future reference. That way if the person tells a lie you can see it in black and white as opposed to trying to wrack your brain to remember. This all applies to online dating of course unless you also use the internet as a way to get to know each other.
Good Luck in your endeavors to find someone and blessings for the new year. Oh and I doubt Larry will be getting a second date.