Aloha my friend
This is for you. Ain't much, but it's all I have. Honesty. Cut & dried like those stemless dried roses you gave me. Preserved, but dead as a doornail. Remind me what else I found in your closet in that dream sometime. No hurry though.
You might say I never gave you dried roses. Think again as I'm over here having these very real, poignant, sometimes poisoned dreams, and you're over there having your dreams, just as dramatic and just as real, and well, neither one of us can talk of them coherently to one another. We believe differently and both of us are just as certain our interpretations are right. We don't cut each other much slack when we bump into each other either.
You said "I don't wanna hear 'bout your dreams." Don't remember? You did. You announced it to the world furthermore, as a work of art. I took it to heart. Then I noticed you really didn't want to hear about my dreams as then you verbalized and confirmed it. So we don't have much to talk about do we?
Even in my dreams you change the subject when it's not to your liking. So there you go. Maybe it's because I'm focused on the afterlife and you're focused only on this physical world.
The topic today is some of my self realization coming forth put in simple terms even you should be able to understand.
Here it is and read carefully; don't skim it. Read slowly as if you're going to understand me this time, for you also said that you wanted to do that. I want to help you do that.
Simplicity of thought is often inspirational, don't you think? You got too big. I felt small and insignificant alongside you. I needed building up. Instead I felt torn down. We both were reaching for one another. This is the truth.
You tried to reel me in like a fish on a hook but I was choking on the bait. You tried to reel me in specifically by playing on my sympathy. Somewhere I learned to not pity anyone. I learned feeling sorry for another is pity and that it's an insult to feel pity for another for it reinforces their false image of helplessness.
If there's one thing you are not, it's helpless. It appears you were after the mercy F out there and I complied in a moment of terror for you. You deserve better than the mercy F and so do I.
You said I liked it even. Not sure if I did, I just felt like I was saving you from a lie about yourself. Mercy should rightfully be given of God. I am not God. OK, angel in training is a good term. I am returning to God, at my own speed, un-rushed by thou. But this angel doesn't like being some sort of savior. I was just there, and you were there and that's what happened naturally without forethought. I deliver up a sort of compassion when I do retrievals. The mercy F was not unlike an act of compassion for you insofar as this one incident goes. I placed no meaning on the act of bodies joining and these were astral bodies joining. It's like unreal, don't be confused by these experiences and make something out of it that it's not.
It's actually a somewhat meaningless world except for a few profound spiritual experiences I've had here and there. I would not care to repeat the life. I am aiming for graduation from Earth; I do the evolving by being of service but I do not create my own miracles, nor choose whom to retrieve. It's done for me with Spirit leading.
I'm the only one not afraid to get up in your face as nothing I say is wrong. Like you said, you're always right? Ok, meet Alysia, she's always right too. Get it?
I have been talking to God all my life that I want God's will, not my own. It's also an insult when someone says to pray and ask questions of God. God is with me always and so I need not pray and ask these questions "where are you God?" I have faith nothing is going wrong except for lack of communication between brothers. Even when I'm sick, I'm right. I know that's my opportunity to allow God to heal me and it always happens so.
In that sense our relationship is right but time marks the end result despite our best efforts at communicating honesty and the truth as we know it in the moment. I shall have no honesty from you for this you are not able to deliver. The only honesty I get from you is the disclosure you are suffering. Do you really think that the rest of us do not suffer fully as long and heartily as you do?
Break from faithlessness in good God to prevail over all circumstance and the suffering is easy to bear.
In that sense we are linked rightly so and when shall we be free of one another? I offer the only solution is to forgive all, then freedom from conflict and strife is gone.
Do we owe each other this forgiveness? Perhaps. If it is the only solution to be free then we must do it. And in so doing, we learn forgiveness's value to take it to the next situation or relationship we encounter. Forgive me for flirting for I was entirely unaware that's what I was doing. I wanted so to express gratitude to you, but instead I was presented with a tug of war where I was supposed to follow you. I found your philosophy and religious views were not my own and so you cannot blame me for not following you. You would want my honesty after all. I forge my own path, as each of us must do despite others disagree.
The former gratitude I wish to convey somehow dried up like those colorful dried roses, reminiscent of past lives with you would never come back to life. I sometimes wish I still had that gratitude to express but I know we must all move on with this forgiveness which ACIM teaches me is so important in our daily inner and outer persona and world.
There are some things we can change, and some things we leave to God in His/Her wisdom and time and if it needs changing, it will evolve. Along with forgiveness, there is faith in me as a trait I brought from other religious lives. I have faith. In what? In the dreams that you don't want to hear about where you were there.
You won't follow this small person's thoughts. You are not really a follower. Like I said before you are too big now. With worldly renown there are certain drawbacks to keep your position as you see it.
Naturally you worked hard to become who you are. So have I, in a spiritual sense you cannot recognize and I cannot speak of well to any.
We have no faults really but I was thinking my smallness compared to your largeness, only in a worldly sense could be and will be most likely considered a character defect by you. Then I shall let you think that if you wish.
Simply put, this world is your world, it is not my home. I am here only a short time. I have to wave at everybody, in love, whom I think I recognize as my brother or sister.
You should feel very strong inside and bless yourself daily. You don't want to feel insignificant as I seem to feel at times. It's very painful to feel so small, but everyone I know at times does feel helpless and small. I feel it's my job to tell them of their greatness unfolding.
You know that's a lie the singular ego will say that we are small. God would never say we are small in our potential. God sees the sparrow fall, and so I say I have an ego which would sabotage me, I speak for a duality world of ego versus God/truth. We have all potential within us to be strong and happy in our spiritual lives whether we display success in the world or not.
In one sense my meeting up with you did supply some strength in my life but we did not produce more love, more gratitude and I think we should have, but didn't know how.
So I refer to my path, ACIM for clues and I came up with forgiveness as I've been taught forgiveness holds the key to freedom from want, and pain. Your desires superceded your common sense but I see your passionate nature has made you into what you are and I don't hold it against you.
By the time our paths crossed, I'd had so many relationships I thought I knew everything about these relationships. They always start out good and end up just being friends, if that. Later, after it's all over, my dreams provide the way to forgiveness and shows me why I was in their life and they in mine.
So when I found my path, I understood about forgiveness was as close to real love as I would come.
And I am not the only one experiencing such relationships. I observe most people in the same boat as me. Who's to say it is not humanity's lesson plan to learn forgiveness? Whoever does it faster gets free faster of a crazy world. I am very fast in that sense. I would never be so audacious as to say the world was not meant to be manifest. I would say it is evolving as fast as it can towards freedom from having to make the same mistakes in subsequent lives, until finally, the soul chooses not to return to a world fraught with illusions and close-mindedness to others; unless it chooses to raise the consciousness in general by suffering another life.
I suppose I have become basically desireless and without ambition in the worldly sense. Yet in the process a strange and grand calm has settled over my inner world of feeling so free, so easy for me to extend peace now to all I come across. It may be a lonely path, but it do have it's perks!
Once more I extend the peace of God to you and now there is no flirting in me; I am all grown up from romantic entanglements and ACIM has romanced me completely so that I can tell when I see the truth or a lie even as it is spoken in dream or written word; now, there's a perk! There's a lot of peace in that conception.
I know you do want me to be different. I will recount a dream for you. You came to me pushing yourself on me. I asked you what were you doing? You uttered it wouldn't hurt anything and then you made love to me. I realized your tender side and I touched your head in wonder.
Now I know this is a once in a lifetime thing, like all the dreams were. This side you do not express much. You need to express it, unfold it. Then love will come to you, you won't have to force it. It will just be there. Maybe, like you said, you will remain single the rest of your life. I do not know, I had not thought that far ahead. I was there to express gratitude and suddenly we were like an old married couple fighting. I'm way past the fighting part. There's no place for me to get to. I'm already in the home stretch. I thought you were there too. But it's ok where you are, I accept it. That's not what I planned on, to go out fighting to gain something that was never lost in the first place. Love is all there is. God is Love. God does not decree we shall fight, but that we love one another.
It seemed I was trying to figure out the dreams and you thought they were too crazy to even mention. If either of us can, maybe we should find someone to love again before we exit stage left. But it's up to God if we do. Truly, by now, we cannot make a move without including God in the same breath. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I'm not worried about it and neither should you be as our lives are full and if we learn forgiveness we shall be worthy of companionship and happiness with compatible mates if that is to be.
What I wish for myself is what I wish for you, the same.
Your friend, Alysia