ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Getting To Know Verbal and Mental Abuse

Updated on October 26, 2016
Source

It's Not Your Fault

This is the dreaded talk of abuse. It’s an important conversation. I would like to bring awareness to others who have been through or are going through it, and tell them you are not alone. I feel it’s necessary to get out of that situation if you are going through that type of relationship. I’m not saying the person that’s doing the abuse can’t change, but in my experience, they haven’t, they never feel they do anything wrong, and that presents a problem with getting help.

I mainly wanted to talk on verbal abuse. I know that there are different types of abuse, and one is just as bad as the other. Myself though, I have been a victim of verbal and mental the most.

I don’t know how I came to pick the men who did this to me, but it has happened more than once with the men in my life. The most important thing I think I would like to stress to someone who may be reading this and going through any type of abuse is; it’s not your fault, but it is your fault if you continue to stay and be abused. And yes, I certainly know the pull of love; it's hard to let go. You say; Well, but I knew him when, and he used to not be like this, or he can be so sweet. I like to think everybody has their good and nice side too, and lord knows I have held on to that hope in my situation as well.

I also just want to say; ask yourself is this the way you want to live, because I know you are miserable. It's not a fair situation, and it is a dangerous situation as well. You don’t have to stop loving that person. However, what I have realized is that by saving yourself and leaving, that may just be what the abusive person needs in order to look at themselves in the mirror and finally get help. By doing this, you are expressing love, even though you may not feel like it when you are closing the door.

So, let’s talk about the verbal abuse. If someone is continuing to call you names and putting you down to the point that you just feel defeated and exhausted from it; guess what…that is verbal abuse. And take it from me, if you continue to stay, when you finally can’t take anymore, and you leave, your self esteem is so damaged it takes a while to restore it, and sometimes you can’t. To this day, I still struggle with issues of liking myself. I have overcome most of the obstacles, and I do like myself most days, but I do believe I would have never had a big struggle if I had just left and got out of the situation a little sooner.

I want to make aware of some statistics and some signs of abuse in this hub. And really, I do not think this is a necessary part of you identifying abuse. If you are an adult, you know when you are being abused. However, if you are an adolescent girl or guy; yes, guys get abused too. If you are a young girl or guy, and you think they are just jealous, well, they’re not. So the statistics and signs might wake you up to reality. I was teenager once, it’s harder to determine if we are being loved or abused at a young age.

I really hope this will be seen by someone who needs it, and I hope you take care of yourselves…

Common signs of an abusive relationship


  • Prevents contact and communication with friends and family
  • Controls money and important identification, such as driver’s licenses and passports
  • Causes embarrassment with bad names and put-downs
  • Critical about survivors appearance and/or behavior
  • Attempts to control what partner wears
  • Has unrealistic expectations, like partner being available at all times
  • Threatens to take away or hurt the children
  • Acts like abuse is not a big deal, or denies it’s happening
  • Plays mind games to place blame on the survivor
  • Destroys property or threatens to kill pets
  • Intimidates with guns, knives or other weapons
  • Shoves, slaps, chokes, hits or forces sexual acts
  • Threatens to commit suicide

Often, it can be difficult to identify what types of abuse are and what constitutes each type of abuse. These are some telltale signs of physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse:

  • Physical. any use of force that causes pain or injury such as, hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc.. This type of abuse also includes the use of weapons, denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.
  • Sexual. Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
  • Emotional. Any pattern of behavior that causes emotional pain that can include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, being unfaithful, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children. Perpetrators may also be emotionally neglectful, such as not expressing feelings or respecting the survivor’s feelings and opinions.
  • Economic. Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment. Forcing a survivor to use his or her credit to rack up debt is also very common and can present problems in the future when attempting to obtain credit.
  • Psychological. Elements include—but are not limited to—causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Source

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.799.7233

www.ndvh.org

Domestic Violence Statistics


  • According to the FBI, a woman is battered every 15 seconds.
  • Louisiana ranks 2nd in the nation for homicides related to domestic abuse.
  • 2-4 million American women are abused each year.
  • White, Black, Hispanic & Non-Hispanic women have equivalent rates of violence committed by intimate partners.
  • Nearly 1/2 of men who abuse their female partners, also abuse their children.
  • Up to 50% of homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic violence.
  • Studies show that women face the greatest risk of assault when they leave or threaten to leave their partners, or report the abuse to authorities.

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline

1.866.331.9474

www.loveisrespect.org

Do you feel like a man when you push her around...

Source

It's Madness

Source

Take me away...

Living A Lie

© 2015 Missy Smith

In the dark of my

room at night, I lay

silently quiet.


Staring at the ceiling,

I am so tired I have

no feeling. I remain

numb to today’s

verbal beating.


I prayed it wouldn’t

be, but it was, a display

of lashes from a tyrant’s

tongue.


No emotion does he

have; no care for my

tears. I am sad…


then it’s all different

when morning comes,

he has completely swept

his betrayal under the

rug.


Even so, I am still here

with the scars from those

angry words that sting

like my flesh has been

ripped from a barbed-wire

fence.


He swears he will make

me laugh today, he says

he can make me forget

the pain.


And he says he loves me

with that smile that makes

me his all the while…


I know one unplanned word

from my lips could return

me back into his verbal bitch...


Yet, I’ll wake up another day

hoping he gets help so I can

stay.


Although, I know deep in

my stomach's pit that I will

be battered until I, myself,

can quit.


Love is pain this way. I just

want it to all go away…

Ask yourself....

What would you do if you were in an abusive relationship, could you save yourself?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 21 months ago

      "I don’t know how (I came to pick the men) who did this to me, but it has happened more than once with the men in my life. The most important thing I think I would like to stress to someone who may be reading this and going through any type of abuse is; it’s not your fault, but it is your fault if you continue to stay and be abused."- Words of wisdom!

      Too often people fail to acknowledge that each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. I you're having one bad relationship after another it's probably time for you to re-examine your mate selection criteria.

      The reality is until one figures out who (they) are and what they want and need in a mate they aren't ready to pursue relationships. They're likely to allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

      Having said that many people mirror what they’ve known and seen in their own households while growing up. Maybe their parents were verbally abusive towards each other or to the children. Amazingly people will seek out what makes them comfortable (subconsciously) even if they aren’t aware why.

      The beautiful thing about a door is it lets those who want in (in) and those who want out (out). No one is “stuck” with anyone. If you are unhappy in a relationship and choose to stay (you’re choosing to be unhappy).

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them as (is) or move on. The choice is up to us!

      “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” – Oscar Wilde

      If someone mistreats you it’s because they don’t think you’re “special”.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Those are very interesting points' dashingscorpio, but I'm not sure how many of those relate to my decisions on men. I mean my parents are still married after 47 years and still act like newlyweds half the time.

      I think it's too bad if they don't think I'm special. I know I'm special. However, you have a point, because I believe there is a part of me that wants that marriage and relationship, but a bigger part that feels too tied down when I have it. I'm kind of a free spirit like that. I believe it has caused some of the verbal abuse. You know, because they know me and sense this, although, no one, no matter what, should be abused in any way.

      You are also correct when you say there are two ways to experience joy and peace of mind, but accepting abuse I cannot. I suppose that's why I am single and why you and I both agree that you should just leave when you aren't happy. Love will hinder that from happening too soon sometimes if you are truly in love, but eventually you get the picture, and love fades.

      Interesting comment and I love that type of feedback, so thanks! I also think Oscar Wilde was brilliant! :)

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Wonderful hub on a very important issue Missy. Rates of domestic violence in my country is actually increasing which is a worry, as is the fact that the point that most women are in the most physical danger is if they threaten or attempt to leave the relationship.

      Your poem is great too and captures the feelings of a visit, perfectly. Well done.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Wonderful hub on a very important issue Missy. Rates of domestic violence in my country is actually increasing which is a worry, as is the fact that the point that most women are in the most physical danger is if they threaten or attempt to leave the relationship.

      Your poem is great too and captures the feelings of a visit, perfectly. Well done.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Thank you Jodah, it has been a little hard for me lately to write informative type hubs or articles. I don't know why. I freelanced for a few years writing articles for other businesses and things. However, I got so bored, and there was no money in it really, I gave up! I think I need to go back to those sites just to sharpen myself up in this area. I believe I'm lacking since I haven't written things like this in a while. Thank you!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

      That is my problem getting regular writing work. I hate being tied down to a certain subject or type of writing. I get bored too easily. But you did a good job with this hub.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Thank you! I appreciate that you think so Jodah. :)

    • shprd74 profile image

      Hari Prasad S 21 months ago from Bangalore

      You have opened up your soul here. Kudos to you to write with such vigour.

      Regarding writing i feel that it one has let it appear like hunger or urge, else filling up will not make any impact.

      Regarding relationships to succeed a lot of maturity is needed other than just love. I think love is a by-product of an understanding relationship, grows with simple gestures so an understanding person should be chosen than a loving one.

      - hari

    • Xhyniie profile image

      Xhyniie 21 months ago

      I don't know if other people will consider this as verbal abuse. When i was on second year college, my professor told me to die and kill myself in front of my classmates! It was not a joke because I can sense her that she really want me to die at that moment! She realized her fault and say sorry to me after class. But i know she just apologized so that I wont bring this problem to our college chairperson. Since then, i don't have any confidence to stand in front of other people. It really change the happy me to a loner one! With the help of my friends, i am doing my best to forget that it happened. As of now, whenever we talked about it, i just laughed although i can still feel the pain but at least i can now make a joke with that experience of mine.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Yes, Xhyniie, that was abuse. You should have reported her. I'm sorry this happened to you. However, let it make you stronger. Take that abuse she gave you and let it give you the power to shove your success in her face. You know, I have realized that the people who abuses are the ones who have insecure issues, they try to turn it around and make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel good. Put it behind you, keep pursuing your dreams with confidence. It was her problem not yours, and I bet the others who witnessed that knew that as well. I can't imagine she got respect from that. Many blessings and best wishes. I know you will succeed! :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      I feel you could find both if you are patient. A person who is understanding and loving in a simple pleasant way. They're out there. :) Thanks Hari!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 21 months ago from southern USA

      Hi Missy,

      Important hub. Mental/verbal abuse is so damaging all around, especially if one stays too long in such a volatile relationship. I have a family member who endured such for decades without any of us knowing and thankfully she is now free. I wrote a poem about it which received views into the thousands. That, sadly, tells me this is too common of an occurrence for far too many. For some reason, most believe it is somehow their fault and the abuser will somehow get better if the victim changes, which is so far from the truth.

      Peace and blessings

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      It is an important subject Faith. I'm not surprised your poem had that many views. Sadly, I think abuse has gotten more and more prevalent. Thanks for stopping in and reading. Peace and blessings to you and yours! :)

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 21 months ago from london

      There is a lot of clarity in your words and actions, Missy. I think that you are a special Soul. You seem also in tune with Spirit. When I first ran into you, I wanted to inspire. As a servant I will still serve, but I think you are a very 'conscious' person, and playing a very significant role in the larger scheme of things.

      That said, Your poetry and prose are awesome! Listen, yes, but follow your own intuitive feel. I believe you know this. Hari Om!

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Thank you Manatita. I would like to think I am in tune with Spirit. However, I still love your inspirations. We all need those. If I'm honest, I read this comment from you hours ago, but I've been feeling really off today. I feel a little down. Things in my life have been a little over stressed these last few days. I'm still gathering my thoughts and feelings, so I was a little lost on how to respond today. Most days I feel I am on the right track. I'm completely sure of who I am, but I have days where I can't focus.

      As far as this article and poem, I wish I could say it wasn't from personal experience that I have the experience, but it is from being abused through life that I do know quite a bit about this subject. I wanted to bring a voice to it, and tell people who are going through it that they are not alone. I know how they feel, and without revealing too many private stories of my own life wanted to make others aware that it happens to a lot of us. I like to share, but not over share. It would bring me to a dark place again if I visited too long there.

      Thanks for reading and thank you for the kind words. :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 21 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Missy.....Referring to the book of this title, "Smart Women, Foolish Choices," I've come to realize the vast majority, at one time or another has made a poor choice in a partner. It's almost a given, Missy.

      My years on this earth and my continual interaction with troubled couples (especially women) tells us all that these situations are rampant.

      I love your comment about it NOT being someone's fault--that the abuse is taking place--but it does become your fault if you choose to remain. Those are wise words, Missy. It's unfortunate how very difficult it can be for a woman to finally muster the courage and resolve to LEAVE. Women are simply "natural" lovers, devoted partners and loyal to a fault. There's also that "hope."

      I can't help but know that the individuals who caused your pain, still suffer to this day with regret, remorse and self-hatred for having lost such a special and loving woman as you.

      You are always going to be just fine. I read it in your words. You've learned a great deal, mostly about yourself. This is solution number ONE!

      Wishing you joy..........Paula

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Paula, your encouraging words always mean so much to me. Thank you.

      I try not to dwell on if those men have remorse or not, but I admit, it's a nice thought to think they might have a little twinge of remorse. Lol. I suppose everyone carries a little bit of pride in that way.

      I will be fine, you are right. I think life throws you challenges, maybe some of us more than others, but if you're lucky you do learn how to pay attention and take away positives from negatives, and just keep going. :)

      Many Blessings! Your comments always make me feel strong!

    • shprd74 profile image

      Hari Prasad S 21 months ago from Bangalore

      missy,

      check this poem on hope

      https://hubpages.com/literature/hope-a-bug-a-rope

      - hari

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      It was brilliantly written Hari, and so point on correct. I think that may be my favorite of your poems so far. Thanks for sending me there. :)

    • shprd74 profile image

      Hari Prasad S 21 months ago from Bangalore

      Thanks.

      - hari

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      MizBejabbers 21 months ago

      You're right, Missy, the abusers are the ones with the problem. Most of today's emphasis is on dating and premarital relationship abuse, which was overlooked for years. However, there is still the problem in marital relationships of staying with an abusive partner because of the children. I finally had to leave the relationship because I was afraid he would accidentally kill one of them with his drunk driving. When we were married I think I heard "if you loved me you would do this or you wouldn't do that" every time we disagreed. There was no discussing an issue intelligently. I've never known anyone who could nag like he could. It didn't matter about the children anyway. They were scarred enough from just living with the two of us. I could write a book on the abuse of that 10-year marriage, but why bother, it won't bring those precious years I lost back.

      I hope your message gets to at least one person who needs it. In my day, there was no one to tell us. We didn't know what abuse was.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Unfortunately, abuse in relationships continues to grow. I'm sorry you also endured such an abuse in your long relationship. I do hope someone will see this, and better yet, get some solace out of my words that they can be strong enough to break out of a bad situation.

      Thanks MizBejabbers

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 21 months ago from Shelton

      I found the article very determined to get the message across and very capable style of writing and the poem awesome a very well put together hub Missy :)

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      Thank you Frank. :)

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 21 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      Nobody deserves any of this treatment, and the more that they kid themselves that it will stop, it won't. Most of these folks witnessed the same things when they were children, and sadly, think it is the way of the world. It is hard to break the cycle, but once it is done, life is so much better.

    • Missy Smith profile image
      Author

      Missy Smith 21 months ago from Florida

      You're right Aviannovice, it is very hard to break the cycle. Especially if you love the person who abuses. We tend to want to help the ones we love and not leave, but what I think is the hardest thing to realize is; by leaving, that sometimes is helping. Thank you!

    Click to Rate This Article