- Gender and Relationships
Having a Fake Dating Profile Online
Please help me. I met this guy online. We exchange messages, chat (no webcam), photos. He doesn't know im a gay. He thinks he's talking to a girl. I used other girl face. He liked what he seen, that's why he used to help me everything what i need. He sends me money. I feel bad with no way out now. My lies are too big. The only thing that is not a lie is my feelings. I really do love him. What would i do?
I'm not at peace, I'm always afraid. What's my consequences?
Why Lie Online?
You would not even believe how many emails like this one I have received. I've compiled alot of the experiences and information into my hub Online Dating Tips: How To Tell if He's For Real. I do think online dating is a great idea. But I really hope people are careful and smart about it.
R.A. is not alone. He created a fake profile, a fantasy persona online. By fake, I mean a proifle where you claim you're a different gender, a hundred pounds lighter, ten years younger, single when you aren't, or anything else that makes you something completely different from what you are.
Why would someone put a completely false persona out there? Obviously it can't end in a real life connection. It can't go anywhere. So why would someone spend time and thought creating and maintaining a lie online?
The reasons vary, from curiosity and boredom to some very deep seeded problems. Sometimes there's just this uncontrollable need for attention. The movie The Night Listener was based on a true story regarding a woman's sickness with this.
But typically, the profile reflects the fantasy: it's the person the creator wishes they could be. Sometimes the desire to be single when someone is married, or the desire to be male when they are female, or beautiful and attractive when they aren't, is just so overwhelming it gets away from them. Even if they can only have the connection for a little while, and only online, it's worth it.
Occasionally the reason is something different. A woman wrote to me whose husband had cheated on her. She created profiles online of good looking men. The profiles would always say the man was married but not happy. She was targeting women who'd be willing to get involved with a married man. She was seeking revenge for what happened in her marriage. She said she'd woo the responders to her profiles for weeks, having long sexy loving conversations, then set up a meeting in a restaurant. Of course instead of the fantasy man showing up, she would. She'd make a big scene to embarrass the woman, screaming and calling her whore. To finish the trap she would often send the emails and chat records to the woman's boss or if they were married too, to their husbands.
Another reason people make fake profiles is money. Like R.A. said, the man who has fallen for his profile sends him money and/or gifts. It's not hard to open a Mailboxes Etc address, or a paypal account, or to have money wired fairly anonymously. These people are predators. In their case the crime is clearer. But what of the person that steals hearts?
Dear R. A.,
You lived out your fantasy online with this man. Now you realize that your fantasy was not just to be a woman and have a connection with a man as a girlfriend. The real fantasy became the love. You claim you love this man, and it seems he has real feelings for the woman he believes you to be. The real fantastical thing here is that you felt love, and you gave love. You created more than a persona: you created a relationship. It was the relationship that was the goal. Now you face the fact that your lie will really hurt someone. Someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. This man has been completely deceived.
You were terribly wrong to accept gifts from him. Terribly wrong. That crosses a line, that makes this worse. The first thing you need to do is to return the gifts, or mail/wire him money for them. The same for the monetary gifts - you must pay it all back. I don't care if you have to hock things or work a second job. Don't tell him you're doing this. Just DO it.
And then, that's it. You have to end this. The way I see it, there are three ways to end it, you have to decide which one is best.
You could come clean. I lean towards this as the way you should go. Just tell the truth. Since the relationship is all on line you can do this in an email. Tell him you're sorry, you lied. Everything was a lie. You are a man not a woman. You didn't expect to feel the way you did about him, and you are very sorry for what you've done.
You should not be hopeful that he will understand or forgive you. He may want to tell you off, he may choose to never speak again. You should delete that lie of a profile immediately and shut down anything connected to it like a fake mailing addy or email addys.
You mentioned you're afraid of the consequences. Part of me wants to say well you get what's coming to you, but part of me really wants all damage to be as minimal as possible, especially his. I don't like the idea of his being so upset and wounded and angered that he lashes out. He could suffer even further if he reacts badly and does something stupid. This brings me to your second option for ending this.
Your second option is to end your lie with another lie. You could write to him and say you've met someone else, you're sorry, and then disappear. You still have to return all the money and gifts. You have to do that no matter what. But you can not perpetuate the lie. You have to end it with this final communication, closing all avenues of connection he has.
While it feels wrong in my gut to even mention this way to end your lie, I am trying to think of what's best for this man you tricked. Please be honest about this, not selfish. Do you in all honesty think that if he finds out he fell in love with another man that it will hurt him even worse? I think the bottom line is, you don't get to hurt him any more than you've already done. Telling the truth to clear your soul might actually be too selfish. You get to walk away feeling cleared, but what will he feel. If finding out he can't trust himself, he can't trust his instincts, that you were a man, and that he is horribly gullible will be harmful to his well being and sense of self respect, then you really might want to tell this lie to end your big lie. Don't get me wrong, this will hurt him. Hearing you chose another will hurt him. But if you think it will hurt him less than the truth, than you owe it to him to consider this option.
The third option is to disappear. I think this is cowardly. But if the only other option is to continue lying, if this is the only way you can bring yourself to end it, then at least do this. Realize that if you end it this way, he may never heal. He will always question what happened and never find closure. He may seek you out. He may never give up. Please don't consider this as a smart decision.
R. A., you may not realize how much you took from this man. It wasn't just some money and gifts, and a big block of his time. It was his trust. Not just his trust of others but also his ability to trust himself. You took something intangible and personal. Something that may never heal. You violated him. I truly hope you've learned from this and that you'll never repeat it.
As far as what your consequence is, that's really not for me to speculate. You really fucked up, but I believe it's never too late to fix yourself. End this. End this in the way you think is best for this man. Return every penny. Maybe you could reflect on what you did by spending some time giving back to the cosmos. Energy is tangible, and you are responsible for some pretty bad energy. Go out there now and offer the world some good energy. Volunteer, deliver meals on wheels on Valentine's Day. Give time to a soup kitchen or an animal shelter. Donate some possessions that are important to you to the Salvation Army. Pick up the garbage along the side of the road. Do something selfless and spend some time reflecting on how you can be the best person you can be.
was written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it elsewhere it has been stolen. All text is original content by Veronica, all photos are used with permission, all videos are courtesy of Youtube.com
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