Healing and Reconnecting

We had a rough ride in 2009. It was the tale of two cities. A pull to and fro. In one city was my mother and her caregivers. Mom was in her last months. Our desire was to give her what she wanted and richly deserved. To die in her own home. It had been my home a long time ago. It always sort of felt like my home. I often called it "home" actually.

But in the other city, 150 miles away was my real home. The place where my wife and kids live. The place where my deck is. Where the dogs and cats are. A place where I had my own spaces and nooks to hide in. In 2009, my real home with my wife and family was a refuge away from my old home where my mom was.

My wife took a backseat in a sense that year. She had to and she wanted to as she loved my mother as if she were her own. She lent me to my mom for that year at a great sacrifice. At that time when I was gone, I was gone - with all my attention being where I was away from her. When she needed me then - she just didn't have me. My being was somewhere else. Even when I was at home with her my thoughts were elsewhere. I wasn't there to help her, I was there to regroup and recharge so I could go back within a few days time to my mom where I was needed. She had to keep things running while I was away. When she hated that, she hated herself in a way, knowing this was how it was supposed to be.

My mom died in 2009 in October. She went peacefully, protected from the chaos that surrounded her somewhat. Not completely because my mom was a wise old bird, right up to the end. Some of the stuff she saw and worried about and I dismissed turned out to be the truth. She worried a great deal about my wife, who she called the "lost Indian". She was the daughter who wasn't biological and that distinction, which shouldn't have mattered was still ever present and my mom picked up on that.

After the holidays and as we rolled into 2010, I thought I could just pick up where I left off. But that year of devotion had sadly caused some distance between my wife and me. We loved each other very much still, we'd celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary actually in 2009 although it came and went with about as much hoopla as Sweetest Day. Although my wife says it is ridiculous, at the time I felt a bit like I'd lost her. That she used to be my girl. She of course, still was but definitely we needed to reconnect and rebuild while we mourned together such a devastating loss.

We went into a phase of healing. There were still pulls back where my mom had lived, an estate to deal with for one. My mom worried quite a bit about how that would be handled and again she was right. Not everyone was on the same page, not even my wife and I sometimes. I wanted things to go slowly. I wanted time to heal. Looking back maybe it was selfish. I thought at the time it was selfless as it wasn't just myself I was worried about. It was all of us. In both of my homes.

I was home full time with my wife. We were together again. I tried to convince her that things would get easier. That things would get brighter. I try to be optimistic. Sometimes I'm better at giving advice than following it. Sometimes I hide the pain I'm feeling with a happy face. I just wanted things to get better and have had enough rough times to know that time does heal. Now I'm not so sure. I guess you can't heal in multiple ways at the same time. But I knew my focus needed to shift back to my true home and my wife and kids.

It wasn't a time anymore for "it is what it is", which had been a favorite saying we had in 2009. It was a time to make things brighter. I wrote "Bright Sun Shiny Day" before I believed it I think. I wanted to believe it but I wasn't ready yet. Things were still chaotic. The focus still wasn't where it belonged. My life needed to get back on track. I'm at a cross roads point in my life. But I think now, for reasons I'll let lie, we've moved on. We've left the carnage behind maybe although it is ever present. But it was time.

The scars haven't all healed. Some may never heal. But the important thing is my wife and I are together and unified and ready to move forward. In some ways we need to get to know each other again. What we want out of what is left of our lives. Where we are going. We need to take control. It's a time for us to listen as well as talk. It's a time to leave the past behind and reject the things the separate us from moving on.

It's nice. The walks with the dogs are walks again. We talk about the future and are trying to not dwell on the past. The scars on our hearts, my wife's and mine, are more or less fully healed.  It's time for us to get to know each other again.  So we can be one together.  Together we can wipe away the tears.  We can get to know each other better.  I don't have that used to be my girl feeling anymore.  Real or imagined that was a very difficult way to feel.  For both of us.

Hand in hand we are heading into the future.  Where it leads isn't as important as it is that we are heading there together.