ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Gender and Relationships»
  • Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships

How To Get Out Of Abusive Relationships For Good

Updated on February 24, 2015
Source

Are you being abused or know someone who is?

Abusive relationships are notorious for the deaths and injuries of women all around this country. Many people think that abusive relationships only come in one form, physical. This is very far from the truth. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms. From experience, I find emotional abuse to be the most painful. It takes a big toll on your self-esteem and makes you feel like a nothing. A person that you love, and look up to is degrading your self worth. Brainwashing is the most common act of Abusers. Brainwashing really makes you trust everything this person is saying, and they may cut you down so much that you believe its true. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than what you are.

Every woman deserves love, compassion and respect. If you are not getting this, do not stick around for when it gets worse. I can speak from experience that abusive men only get worse and they do not change. The abuse cycle is almost always the same. The abuser will hurt you, and later apologize and promise it will never happen again. He lies, and abuses you again and it becomes a never-ending cycle. He promises to get help, and he will change. But did he ever do anything to get help? Abusers very rarely ever change. Many abusers use the excuse that they have anger problems, but this is unlikely because abusers act on their manipulations, not anger. Anger management will not save an abuser.

So many girls stand up for their abuser when family and friends try to help. It is ok to admit you are not in a perfect relationship. There will always be those women that you just cannot help because they are stuck in this trap and do not want help. A lot of friendships are ruined by abusive relationships. It can be embarrassing to tell others that you are being treated badly. No woman should ever have to stay in an unhappy relationship, let alone an abusive one. Abusers are out on a hunt for vulnerable women they can manipulate and control. It can be very hard to spot an abuser, and most of the time it is too late.

Most victims find that they want to leave, but cannot because of fear. What will he do if he catches me? What If he tries to kill me? Many abusers threaten their victims that they will hurt them if they try to leave. If it wasn’t bad enough that they had to lose all their friends and family. Leaving an abuser takes bravery and a good plan. If you know someone that is in an abusive relationship, try to help them come up with a plan. Remember that you can only help if they want to be helped. You cannot just walk out and leave, especially if there are children involved. When the abuser is not around, that is when you have to talk to outsiders and get a plan. You will have to lie to get out of the house when you do plan on leaving. Make sure you have a place to go that is safe and they do not know about. Never tell them you are planning to leave. No contact can be made with them ever again, no matter how much you want it. I am proud to say that I am an abused survivor, and I got out with my will power and strength, and you can too. Stay who you are, and never let anyone change that.

Were you a victim?

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Is that a picture of you? If so, i am so sorry. I was in an abusive relationship. I was able to leave with the help of the police. I feel so bad for women who stay. I hope they will read this hub..Thank you for sharing...

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      No its not a picture of me, just an example. Thankfully you were able to leave. I left with my 5 week old daughter back 4 years ago, and I am so happy I did. I had to have this big plan as I was in a completely different state then my family and friends. It really is sad when women are so brainwashed that they never leave.

    • Leaderofmany profile image

      Leaderofmany 5 years ago from Back Home in Indiana

      I was in an abusive relationship for many years and have wrote about it. I got out and it saved my life and the my children's. Thank you for the Hub, everyone needs to hear the story.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I am happy for you that you got away. It is very important for our children that they aren't in that environment. Anytime:)

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      I was in a few emotionally abusive relationships. The long-term one was getting violent. My ex threatened to harm me. I had little money and no family. I had a cop pick me up thinking I was suicidal. the cop took me to the hospital where I stayed awhile than on to a shelter. I am not suicidal. My spiritual views don't allow it. Whatever the cop heard was a blessing in disguise. It was a very scary situation. My life is much better now. I wish more people would follow your advice.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I am glad you got out! It is hard when you have no family support. I can relate to that. You must have learned a lot from all of it.

    • jpcmc profile image

      JP Carlos 5 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

      It is important to get support and guidance after a terrible experience. There are many groups and organizations who can help people in this situation. It is nice of you to write this hub. Perhaps you can point people who are in an abusive relationships to the right people and organizations. Perhapsyou can write a hub on this as a follow up.

      Welcome to the hubpages community.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      It really is important, and so many people don't have friends or family that care and help them. It seems like the only source is shelters and many women do not want to be nearly homeless. That is a good idea, there is more to domestic violence than just getting out of it. It really makes a scar on you for a long time.

    • daisynicolas profile image

      daisynicolas 5 years ago from Alaska

      It takes courage to leave and not look back. I wish my mom was more successful. Your hub could give other women encouragement to face a better loving future.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      It is very hard to do and does take a lot of courage, but women need to do the best for themselves. I hope people feel inspiried by this hub. :)

    • jcdelfinoiii profile image

      J. C. Delfino III 5 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      Being an advocate against domestic violence in all forms I commend you on this very well said article. I stand behind you 100%. Women are not a man's property. They are a gift and should be cherished like one.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Thank you. Its good to see a man standing up for women's rights:) It is unfortunate how many women see it as ok.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      You are right I have a friend who started getting hit by her husband when she was young and she was pregnant. She attempted to help the guy when the police took the man away. The husband kicked her in the stomach. I said leave. My friend said I don't understand and her mom needs a place to stay so she stayed. There are a lot of violent women who beat on men as well. It is embarrassing to a man's ego. Therefore we rarely hear about it.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Wow, that is really sad. The worst part is when you are trying to save your friend and they get mad at you for it. That is awful..I was pregnant when I was with my abuser too, I left as soon as I could after she was born. Thank God she is ok. I nearly had a miscarriage. Men beating on women are rarely talked about but it does happen.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      I have a few friends who have mothers who encourage them to stay. My friend Louise's mom liked the lavish gifts my friends ex bought the old lady for birthday and holidays and the mom blamed my friend. My friend said she must lister to her mom. My friend's mom is an older version of my friend and had several daughters by my friends father long ago who beat my friend's mom. The old lady tells my friend her daugter, stay for the money. The man now has a baby with a very young girl but still controls my friend and her money. she allows it so I haven't been around lately. My younger friend mentioned last post doesn't know any better either. It's horrible when the mom's encourage the daughters to stay cuz they are benefiting.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Wow, I can't imagine that. Why would a mother ever want their child in such an awful situation!? Especially one that could potentially kill them. Money is the worst reason to stay especially because it is a way of controlling you. That is just so selfish of the mother. I am sure she could find a better guy that has money who doesn't abuse her.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Exactly! It's Sickness!

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      These women are delusional. The guy lives off his mom. The bum don't even work. He's evil, he used to hide in my friends closet late@ nite n took life insurance on her. He shreiked @ me on the phone because my friend is always in the bathroom. She drinks beer constantly. When the ex tried to control me I left my friend to deal with him. She has no self-love. The man won't let her have anything unless he says. When I gave her stamps for free cell phone service the jerk saw it and ripped my stuff up. I never saw my stamps again. Everything with this girl is linked to the ex even her housing. When he's with his younger girl n baby. My friend would sob 4 him. I feel for the baby he had with his 17 year old.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Wow thats crazy...That's must be her way of dealing with it all. That's nuts that he ripped it up..very controlling. That's awful:(

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      He is very controlling. He seems to hate women. I say this because he never goes with a strong female. His babys mama is an addict with no father in her life similar to my friend. He grabbed my friend long ago when she was underage. The jerk knew my friends family. This guy only preys on underage females who are helpless and looking for love. He should be locked up. No one much likes him. My friend's uncle tells her to leave him, she stays. The jerk victimizes helpless young women who have no support. My friend's family isn't around for her much.

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 5 years ago from Close to Heaven

      Great article. I have had friend who were in abusive relationships. Thank you for sharing.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Abusive men like to hunt for vulnerable women. He really should be locked up, if the girl is only 17..its stagatory rape even if she consented it. Its unfortunate she doesn't see what's best for her, and doesn't have much family support. I never did either.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Thank you. Anytime..It's a big issue and there are so many guys out there like this.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      There are many predators who want a young vulnerable female to manipulate. I have been that girl. My friend's life is very much like mine and her heritage. She is like my sister in looks and character or so I once thought lol. My friend has cried for help and a way out but refuses to accept help. So I let her go. I got sick of the buts n constant excuses. I am more Strong-Willed and will tell the man to stop yelling. I will throw him out lol. I was with abusers. My parents neglected me n caused me harm as well. I found a way out with little money and no support from the long term boyfriend. Abuse is a cycle that repeats itself to much. I became homeless and Thank God everyday I now have my own place and life. I learn from life many women don't. In life we need more shelters and support, human resources. In school they should have "Just Say No To Domestic Violence Classes".

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I seem to attract abusive guys, I don't know if it is because of my childhood. Its sad that she doesn't want to accept help. It is so hard to get out of situations like that when you have no help, but is sad when people have the support and chose to stay. I am glad that you have bettered yourself. Another issue is how to see the signs of an abuser before they start being abusive.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Aggressiveness is a sign when a man won't accept no on a 1st date. Many men who abuse pull out chairs and act real polite. I saw this in my ex who passed. He used mental abuse on me. He could never be confronted about anything. He was full of compliments n he was gorgous so I was a sucker lol.. He promised me normal things like dates, phone calls, romance lol than he turned into some1 else when confronted after turning the charm on for a week or two about. When asked about any of this he acted like he can't. He talked big smiled a lot acted polite that's it home girl lol.. 1 clear sign is if the man is single a long time. My ex was divorced about 15 yrs n always said his wife not ex. If something seems to good to be true it often is. This was not my long term boyfriend who threatened to physically harm n was shoving me around n screaming in my face. He accused me of things that made no sense like going to the gynecologist too much. I was questioned about it. The long term guy helped me become homeless. I am better n stronger for it.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I have found that too. Men that will abuse try to suck you in by being the nicest guy and act chivarlous. They are charmers..like my ex abuser was. & they do it to everyone else so when you say hes an asshole they don't believe you. What they did makes you stronger that's for sure.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      You are very right my ex that passed charmed every1. He was so smooth and handsome. Women fell all over him. He wasn't taking of his diabetes and went into a coma when I left him after he shreiked @ me. I was trying to confront him about a crack pipe I saw in his room when his friend was over b4 his rage. My Rondy always said he hated drugs n this time he yelled he can do whatever he wants. I felt he was my soulmate n I only had him 6 months. Everything was a head-game with him. All his ex's tried to kill him. The ex-wife stabbed him n left scars on his stomach. That'a sign when a man tells you all his ex's tried to kill him :(.. I checked him on him when I moved closer in a few months n found out he was dying I sensed it was coming. Why must we always love brutes n thugs? I came from dysfunction that might be why with me.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Yeah that's how they win over people! My ex also cheated a lot even when i was pregnant..scummy. a lot of abusers cheat, and then acuse you of it bc they think you are doing what they are. wow that's nuts, they were probably doing it in self defense. I really should have done background checks on these people haha. I came from a neglectful family so I attract it and I always want the "bad guy" type.I finally settled with a nice guy, it was hard to get used to the idea LOL

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      I have a nice guy now he's married to someone we never see other than that he is mellow and rarely yells. He has a felon past so here I go back to my thuggin lol.. My boyfriend made mistakes and tries to do better. He's like a big baby more than a past felon, no1s perfect. My man reminds me of old me very heavy n needy lol.. He's a Virgo like me. I sent you a FaceBook friend request.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      In the end, nice guys are much better husbands. haha as long as hes changed now. My hubby is a sag like me too. He used to be so chill but since he deployed, not as much anymore LOL but hes still a nice guy. Thanks:) I accepted

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Sagittarians are philosophers and party animals. Your sign is a very social one and a very free sign. Sagittarius represents the unhibited people. I have heard Sagittarians yell a lot @ each other. I saw it once with a Sag couple. All my Sagittarian friends both laugh n shreik @ me lol.. Nice you have a good man. I hope he stays good.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Yeah I know that we love traveling and freedom. I don't know much else about sags LOL Yeah I am a debater i love to argue haha if that makes any sense. Not really fight, but just be able to argument and win. I don't pretend to have a perfect relationship bc sometimes he does yell..but he has some ptsd from deploying, so I know that's how it happened. I am hoping it gets better a few years down the road. The important thing is im not being abused. He is a good guy overall, we just sometimes fight with fire on fire. If you know what I mean haha

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Yes Sag is fire and Sagittarians are very much knowing for fighting for their beliefs similar to a Libra with the debating. I have heard of PTSD on Dr. Phil. It must be scary to see someone change like that when they come home from war. The PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder victims have flashbacks and start to think their loved ones are the enemy.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Yeah sounds right. I don't get along with most Libras. PTSD is scary and it's sad how much war affected him. I hope he can get past it. I wonder if they ever really heal.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Libra could be your rival. I am on the cups of Libra and can be very argumentive like a Libra.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I think its how they argue, cuz i like debating. They seem to assume they are right and not want to hear anything else. It makes it hard to get along.

    • LovelyChris71 profile image

      LovelyChris71 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Yep you are decribing me a lot. I feel I am open-minded though. I have high standards though and am very critical. To me everything is either fair or unfair. I like to help others and have a high sense of morals. I am complex no wonder all my Sag friends shreik @ me lmao.. You could be an advice columnist:). If that's you in the abuse picture whether it be real or not it is wrong when any woman gets mistreated like that.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I think all people are different regardless of their sign, but some qualities are really true. Thanks, I have always wanted to be one. I am good at advice. I don't know how to get into it though. Its not me, I never used real pics on my posts just for decoration haha

    • Brinafr3sh profile image

      Brinafr3sh 5 years ago from West Coast, United States

      Hi Jessica welcome to Hubpages. Your correct, abuse does come in other forms, such as excessive arguing and hollering. This article is great, thanks. Voted up.

    • JessicaSmetz profile image
      Author

      Just Ask Jess 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Thank you. & it even comes from women to men as well which is underseen.

    • profile image

      Nona 2 years ago

      As Charlie Sheen says, this article is "W!GNINNI"

    • profile image

      Ayitey 2 years ago

      Well, I think the important thing here is the natrue of the abused women. The ironic aspect of this relationship is that the abuser is insecure and takes out their insecurities on someone weaker than them so they would feel stronger. Meanwhile, the abusee is also insecure and they feel helpless (there's nothing they can do about it). There was a psychological study a few years back done by Martin Seligman. He experimented on dogs to study the psychology behind helplessness. He divided the dogs into two groups, both groups being electrocuted, but one group could turn off the electricity while the other group couldn't (the dogs were chained down, so they couldn't jump away the group that could turn off the electricity simply needed to turn their heads). He later put them into a surrounded area with electrical wires running on the floor. He placed a fence in the middle of the area which divided the electrified area from another side which was safe. He found that the dogs that initially could turn off the electricity on their own jumped over the fence to avoid the shock, while the other group of dogs simply felt there was nothing they could do about it and remained on the electrified side to take the shock. Another explanation for women staying in abusive relationships could be explained by the Stockholm syndrome which is a behavior pattern shown in people who are kidnapped. Some of them tend to form a sort of loyalty and attachment to their kidnappers (strangely). This is maybe because the lack of identifiable personnels which pushed them to identify and empathize with their kidnappers. Perhaps, the same could be said about abusive relationships. So perhaps the reason many women stick to abusive relationships despite an option to step away is because they do not feel secure, worthy, and brave enough to live in the world alone. It could also be fear of stigmatization from society (if she break it off then she'd be single or if she break it off then people will know about her problematic relationships etc). Whatever the reason, the fear and pain from abuse seems to be more easy to take on as opposed to other issues that they think could happen to them. Sadly, a lot of people still think this way (and not I don't have to take this ).

    Click to Rate This Article