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How To Know If Your boyfriend or Husband Is Cheating

Updated on August 11, 2013

When Cheating Starts

When a man is cheating there are always signs. Sometimes we know that there is something fishy immediately, and other times we find ourselves consistently making excuses for unusual behavior. If you want the straight facts and are not afraid of the truth, here it is.

I believe that knowledge is power and a smart woman will want to at least know where she stands, and then do something about it. Doing something about it does not necessarily mean confrontation. It you have only been dating a guy for three months, there are really no grounds for confrontation. It can simply be an alert to remind you not to put all your eggs in one basket. No matter how good it feels to be with a particular man, and no matter how much he seems to be into you.

Don't start walking down the isle until you have the ring.

If you have been dating a guy for only a few months.....

Lets get one thing straight. If you meet a guy and he is relatively good looking and, or successful, then I can tell you he has at least one other girl in his life, and you should realize this and do not ever put all your eggs in one basket. I hear the same stories all the time from women who have been dating a guy for less than one year. "I am just coming out of a relationship", "I am very busy with my kids", sound familiar? I am sure it does.

When I was studying Relationship Psychology I interviewed many men and found that when a man has kids he uses them as an excuse that will help him cheat. This is an extremely common cover that works like a charm.

If you are dating a man who has very specific times that he can see you and he texts more often than calls, there is a good chance that there is another significant other in your man's life. Men are good liars and can be very convincing when they tell you that they can't pick up the phone because they are at the movies with their kids, or that they have to go away for a few days on business. Never ask a man if he is lying or try to bully the truth out of him, unless you are married or engaged to him. If you are just dating, these clues are telling you to date other men and keep your options open.

Men will string you along for as long as you allow it. If you are feeling uneasy with your guy and believe that he is seeing someone else, and has not formally committed to you, then you are a fool not to date other men and give them a chance.

If your relationship is less than one year old, chances are your "boyfriend" does not really consider himself to be your boyfriend yet. Don't treat him as though he is and don't hound him about suspected cheating. Its hard to take, but realize that he probably does not consider himself attached to you, and therefore he does not owe you an explanation or faithfulness.

Dating a man for years with no talk of commitment is grounds for you to shop around.

If you are married and your husband changes suddenly, you need to stop whatever he is doing right away. If you can end his fling before he becomes emotionally attached, or before the other woman gains the upper hand, you may succeed in sopping it all together.

Married Cheaters.

When a married man starts cheating on you it is usually easier to detect than when dating, because you are living with your husband and know his personality well. Men will become moody and touchy while having an affair. They will change their schedule somehow with excuses, such as a business meeting that takes place every Wednesday evening, or they will stay at work longer for "inventory" or some other cleverly detailed reason. This is how he will fit the other woman into his lifestyle.

No matter how great your husband is, one should always be wise to know that anything is possible at any time. You should never just sit back and give 100% trust. Not that you should be snooping around and asking questions, but if the prime opportunity should strike your man, if he knows that he has total freedom and you will never find out, he is likely to take the opportunity, and this one time thing can easily turn into a once per week meeting if this is a particularly crafty woman.

A famous case of a woman who was just too trusting is the Betty Broderick story. Betty Broderick worked with her husband for 15 years to create a lifestyle of prosperity and success. She took care of their four children and worked while her husband, Dan, went to school to gain an education that would eventually bring comfort to their family. After more than one decade of struggling Dan was finally opening his own law practice. Betty had failed to see that her gangly husband had grown handsome over the years. He had a nose job, gave up his geeky glasses, and had gained some weight. Betty minded her own business to a point of never going to Dan's office. That means that anything went as far as Dan's entire day was concerned. He started having an affair with a smitten gold digger, and felt confident enough to then give her a position in his office. By the time Betty discovered the affair, Linda, Dan's legal assistant, had her hooks deep into Betty's husband, and there was no undoing it.

Had Betty been a regular face in her husbands office and business, Dan would never have felt so confident about having an affair in the first place, and certainly would not have hired her.

To read more about the Betty Broderick Case....

Dan & Betty Broderick. And Linda Kolkena

If you suspect your husband of having an affair, become a detective, question him, and be tough. Do not let him get away with it, because the sooner you become a problem, the sooner he will decide that his little affair is not worth continuing. If an affair has lasted close to one year, it can be impossible to end, depending of course on how attached to the other woman he has become.

Almost all men who are having an affair will suddenly pay more attention to his appearance and hygiene, will start working out, and may even go on a diet.

The best way to stop an affair is to stop it before it begins.


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    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      Ok then.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Beth37, I was mainly referring to your statement. "When you love yourself more than you love the person you took a vow to, your word is meaningless." I never said it's right to cheat on someone. I'm just saying I have no control over what my wife does. However I do control whether I stay with her or not.

      People who love their spouse more than they love themselves often get walked on or taken advantage of because they don't have any "deal breakers". Not trying to disrespect you, but I believe it's "healthy" to have boundaries or draw a line in the sand. Of course not everyone has the same "deal breakers" and I respect that. There is no "one size" fits all in relationships. . If being with someone makes me unhappy I won't cheat but sure as hell won't stay. Each of us is responsible of our own happiness.

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      Are you dashing scorpios alter ego?

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      Thanks HC2M, I'm glad my points were coming across.

    • profile image

      HealingComing2Me 5 years ago

      @ Beth37 VERY good point!!! Everything you have written in both post are good and full of maturity!

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      Not trying to disrespect you, I just don't know how any of that fits in with the fact that spouses shouldn't cheat, they should keep their commitments. Wasn't that what we were talking about? You switched perspective from the perpetrator to the victim.

      And I understand your point about it being important to have an understanding with oneself, but in my opinion, your relationship with your creator is even more important and will align all other relationships.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Beth37, I believe if you love yourself less than the person you took a vow with then you are likely to put up with any crap they dump on you. The most important relationship anyone is going to have is with them self. Even when we choose a spouse we do so because we think they will enhance our life in some way. No one deliberately seeks out a person to hurt them. If someone is unhappy in a relationship and they choose to stay in it then (they) are (choosing) to be unhappy.

      I think too many people hide behind their vows in order to avoid taking action to improve their life. Sometimes things that have happened to them they would not advise their own children to put up with and yet it's the example they lead. Human beings make mistakes in all areas of life and that includes (selecting the wrong mate) for themselves. Awhile back I wrote a hub on commitment which I included in my book. Naturally I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion. After all life is a personal journey. However if we hold another person responsible for our happiness then we are in a position of weakness. Our happiness or lack of is based upon the choices and decisions we make. One man's opinion! :-)

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      A woman can like the bad boy all she wants, she just can't cheat with him. There are no double standards. Cheating is cruel. When you love yourself more than you love the person you took a vow to, your word is meaningless. It really doesn't matter how many ppl cheat or don't cheat. If we can't be trusted by those who love us most, then what possible good is left in us?

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Twilightzones, I don't think any liar or cheater be it male or female is likely to admit to it. Recent studies indicate that 20% or higher of births in America have the wrong man's name listed as the father. With a paternity fraud that high it's clear that neither sex is standing on holy ground when it comes to cheating.

      I agree that many men fancy themselves as being "players" or "playboys" much like a lot of women tend to chase after the "bad boy" and ignore the "nice guys". A lot of that has to do with lack of maturity and going through a phase. When I was in my 20s and early 30s it would not have mattered if a woman walked on water, cooked like a chef, and had the moves of a professional escort in bed I was still into my "variety is the spice of life" phase. However just about every man I know of has also been cheated on by women. There are no guarantees!

      AARP did a survey awhile back and found that 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces in America are filed by women. This would suggest to me that an unhappily married woman is likely to file for divorce and an unhappily married man is more likely to cheat.

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      That makes them predators.

      My husband cheated on me for a few months in 2007. It destroyed our lives. He now goes to SA meetings, therapists and goes to a group that taught him to become a real man... Samson society. I don't know if I can ever love him again, but I have so much respect for him. I encourage men to seek help. Just because it has become the norm, it's not ok. It's pure evil.

    • Twilightzones profile image

      Twilightzones 5 years ago

      Sorry all, Glenda is correct.

      Most men will not tell the truth and will resent me for admitting it, but if a guy believes he can get away with it, he will do it.

      I tell all the women in my life who I care about not to ever give full trust to any man. (the only guy I have met who seems about 85% trustworthy is a devout Christian who sees his marriage as an extension of his relationship with god) If a woman does, she is setting herself up for heartache.

      When I was in a serious relationship with a girl, I cheated a lot and I always told her there was no need for me to cheat because I loved her. It was true, I did lover her, but when something exciting came my way and I thought there was no harm it, I followed the excitement. Eventually one of the girls I cheated with reeled me in and my longtime girlfriend suffered tremendously.

      Men use women who are naïve. The guys in my office who put themselves on, and eHarmony marvel at how dumb girls are. They go out on one date and get exactly what they want by simply saying, "I want to see you again because you seem to be exactly what I have been looking for", and "I want to take care of you." Men pray on women's emotions and will use them for physical entertainment unless the woman is smart enough to put a guy in his place.

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      (breathes a sigh of relief) :)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Beth37, That is not what I believe. In fact I was editing my response and inserted the words, "I also (don't) buy into... which coincides with my reference to the TV shows. You only get 5 minutes to review a comment and make changes. Sometimes I write so fast that words in (my head) do not make it in my typing. Fortunately my 5 minutes were not up and therefore I was able to edit my answer. :-)

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      So dashingscorpio, you are a man and you believe that given the chance, every man will cheat? That's is the most discouraging, depressing, disheartening thing Ive probably ever heard.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Marriage, Monogamy, and Cheating are all choices (individuals) make.

      I don't think it is possible to (control) what another person does. You can however (choose) whether or not to be with them. I believe women such as Betty Broderick give up their power when they forget there are 7 billion people on this planet. If someone is not treating you right then you have (other options) than killing people and going to jail for life. Revenge is something that more often than not hurts the individual dishing it out. Betty had children which she apparently didn't think about. Legally she got the house and would have alimony/child support and since he was rich she was going to be set for life.

      Her biggest crime wasn't that she (trusted her husband 100%). It was her belief that (without him) she was "nothing". No little girl should grow up believing that if she is not Mrs.xxxx then she is nobody.

      Being a man I also don't buy into the belief that (every man will cheat) given the opportunity. Anyone who has ever watched an episode of "Cheaters" or The Maury Povich Show (aka) "You are NOT the father!" is keenly aware that neither sex has a monopoly on cheating. :-)

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      Imo, it's bad enough if he cheats, but if you actually have to fight to keep him, that must totally destroy your self esteem.

    • GlendaGoodWitch profile image

      GlendaGoodWitch 5 years ago from California

      @Beth37- Thank you for your comment. Many people fall in love with someone and want to hold the relationship even if their partner has slipped at some point. I know some people will end a relationship if their partner has cheated, but a lot less than you might think. When one finds themselves in this scenario, it is often not that simple.

      @dashingscorpio- After a group of well educated men with degrees in Psychology were surveyed on this subject the consensus was that "women should NEVER give 100% blind trust." That does not mean that a woman should snoop around or anything like that, but the guys stated that unless a guy is a Christian, and holds strong religious beliefs, he will cheat if he thinks he can get away with it. That is simply the truth.

      Meaning -he is at a convention and there is a frisky woman following him around and he is far away from home. ect. Even good men who love their wives will cheat under a "certain set of circumstances" that he is comfortable with.

      The men also stated that a wise woman can prevent it by instilling a level of fear in her husband about getting caught.

      Betty Broderick did not instill anything that would make her husband fear that she was onto him. After she listened to his lies, and excuses for not coming home while he was out with Linda, she eventually was made into the fool for not being a better guard dog.

      Not saying that her eventual murdering tendencies were okay, but they were generated by her shock and outrage over giving trust like a "good wife" and then being suckered.

      All of these facts are increased if your man is good looking or wealthy. There are crafty women out there.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      "You should never just sit back and give 100% trust." Why get married then? What is the point of emotionally investing into someone you believe is not trustworthy? Why start a family with someone you don't trust 100%? You can only control (yourself). If someone has made up their mind to cheat then they're going to do so. Your only real power is in deciding if you will stay or move on.

      There are over 7 billion people on this planet which means the odds are in your favor that if your relationship/marriage fails you'll have more opportunities to find a more suitable mate. Unless cheating is not a "deal breaker" for you I can't imagine playing "tug of war" with some "third party" over my spouse/mate.

      The only way to obtain "emotionally security" is when you (know) you have a rock solid relationship. This by no means that you neglect or take your spouse/mate for granted. Both people have to nurture the relationship.

      I remember the 2 part TV movie about Betty Broderick. She turned out to be a murdering psycho!

    • profile image

      Beth37 5 years ago

      Not to be disrespectful at all, but if he is cheating on you, why would you want to keep him?


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