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How to Beat Loneliness in a Relationship

Updated on June 26, 2015
Tashaonthetown profile image

Natasha Pelati has published three books of poetry and writes on real-life experiences with the help of psychology.

Alone and finding the spark in your relationship

Love should be free and as light as a feather! You and your partner should have a connection that can outlast any event or situation that comes at you!

For those that love their partners unconditionally, even though you are alone most of the time, there is a solution to your problem.

You need to understand that time does not stand still and only you can change your life, relationship and what you want out of a relationship.

We as a species tolerate and compromise when it comes to love but the truth is...deep inside you are craving the attention and warm affection that you received in the very beginning, when you felt the love, you got the attention and your partner would move mountains to make you happy.

Often the thoughts you have are if you have lost the love, the interest or you are just stuck in a rut but the truth is in every relationship at some stage, we all feel lonely.

It doesn't mean that it's the end of a relationship, only a bump in the road and it can be mended enough for you to get back that spark.

Loneliness can be beaten
Loneliness can be beaten

Feeling lonely in a relationship?

"Catching a cold from the inside of your soul" can be a daunting and sad feeling and getting your partner back on track is the wrong way of thinking.... they need to get you back, come back for you and make you feel WANTED!

It sounds like a scene from a movie but it is the truth...every relationship goes through a lonely patch, you are not the only one.

Some get stuck into a rut with work, kids and life in general. We often get bored of routine, even though we learn to live in a rut and that is when couples find other things of interest in order to get through the day. partner wants love and affection, the other wants to reconnect with everything else.

So how do you beat the loneliness in a relationship?

Can you get back what you feel that you have lost?

Yes! You most definitely can, it's normal, it's mend-able and it's not that difficult.

There are a few easy steps to reconfirm your feelings for each other.

Friends are more important than you

You have been with your partner for many years and you have met many people that he or she has known but when your partner starts to want to reconnect with is past; he or she is either regretting a life that they are leading, going through a crisis mode, have felt bored or they simply are just not that into you anymore.

At first the only person that your partner wanted to spend time with was you.. after a while you realised that he/she wasn't interested in going out at all unless friends were invited.

This is a sign of an insecure individual that feels as though they have run out of conversation; either because you are over intellectual, there is nothing to talk about or they simply just had more fun with friends and you are the one that has lost the "fun" in your relationship.

Yes, it, responsibility and bills are buzz kill and it could effect a relationship in a very major way.

How do you fix this?

Date nights are important in any relationship no matter how old it is.

It is important to go out with your partner and make as if it is the first date! Forget about responsibility, bills, kids, work, housekeeping and be friends that are meeting for the first time.

Don't talk about past issues, just go out and have fun as hard as that may be...just do it.

If the friends bit gets too much and you find yourself spending more time speaking to his/her friends or hearing more about his/her past friendships than your own's time to have a long conversation. It's all good to have friends and reconnect with the past but when it takes over your own life and relationship than it's time to make a change.

That part is up to you and your partner; let them know what it is that is making you feel lonely and let them explain what it is that is making them concentrate on past or present friendships.

The one thing that is never acceptable is your partner being more loyal to anyone but you.

If this is the case and you have let them know how it is making you feel excluded and they have ignored this, than it is time to think about letting the "free birds fly.No one should be more important than you, nobody comes first before you and if that is not possible than you are in the wrong relationship.

What is the secret to your relationship?

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Work comes first because it pays for your lifestyle

Does this sound familiar?

Your partner goes to work early, brings work home and travels a lot...without you?

This is someone that is either stuck in a rut, worried about bills to pay and has no other interests or he/she is having an affair or they just have motivation in the wrong areas.

Yes it is good to be inspired, ambitious and dedicated to work but if it is at the cost of a family, then you need to talk it out in order to find a balance.

Arguments will rise and lifestyle, money and things will be thrown in your face but at the end of it all a family is being torn apart, a spouse is feeling broken and lost and the working partner is either enjoying the "work" environment or they need a little wake up call.

You need to take a time out and find a balance between work and family, bills and relationships before your relationship becomes isolated. A business meeting never happens after 9pm, yes there could be a dinner and drinks but a good partner knows when it is time to call it a day.

Nothing can be more important than a family in need of love and attention.

If you cannot make this clear to your partner and they are not willing to try then you have already lost the battle and it is time to find a balance elsewhere.

Opposite lifestyles can lead to loneliness
Opposite lifestyles can lead to loneliness

Opposite lifestyles

Some couples work opposite shifts and this can take its toll on a relationship without any interference from anyone else.

How can you possibly have a life with a partner if you don't get to spend quality time together?

It is nearly impossible because on a day off the first thing that you want to do is to relax and take a break. Opposite shifts means that you might pass each other by in the hallway or the kitchen but when there is a lack of communication and intimacy then there is no relationship.

To try and build this up is a challenge because one of you will have to try and adjust your shifts or you will have to push through the exhaustion and try to put the spark into a non existent relationship.

How to beat loneliness in a relationship

Before you sign up for a relationship ensure that your partner is going to be emotionally and physically available

Find a hobby or something to do with your time so that it keeps you occupied

Communicate your feelings and work on a solution

If you have tried everything and your partner is putting everyone else before you, then you need to run!!

Alone does not always mean lonely and it is good to have a "me" day but too many can cause isolation.

Johnny Cash and June Carter

On the road as a musician it is not an easy life
On the road as a musician it is not an easy life

Travellers and musicians

Some jobs require a completely different life all together. A musician is a life for a single man because only the very strong and very secure people can survive.

Life on the road away from a family can lead to loneliness on both sides, giving the partner a gap to lose a connection with their spouse.

Complete and utter trust has to be in the equation or else you will fail before you have had a chance to begin.

A musician's life is about the fans, groupies, alcohol and travel and with these things comes complications on a completely different level.

You can either start a separate life of your own or you can join in and drink yourself sick watching other people throw themselves at your partner, the person that is too busy to pay attention to you. Maybe by becoming a groupie you might get that feeling but it is a hard way of life and if you signed up for it, then you knew what you were getting into...for those that have not been there for the entire ride...quit while you are ahead because you will never feel like the most important person in the musicians life.

You either have to accept that your life will be separate to your partners, the music is their first love and you will need to find a hobby that will take your mind off of the life.

You then need to ask yourself if this is the way you would enjoy your life.... I would say if you are a Virgo, independent and love your freedom and space then go for it...other than that run!!

Another lonely life would be to have a pilot or someone that travels a lot. This means that they will skip important occasions, there will be no time for family and more time for sharing experiences with everyone but you....unless you are there for every trip you will be left out and made to feel excluded...unintentionally or not, this is a recipe for disaster unless you are both in the same industry.

How to beat loneliness

I could go on about jobs and relationships that are doomed to fail but the real reason for this blog is to know how to beat the loneliness because in reality we cannot choose who we decide to love, whether it is a pilot, musician or a delegate.

Loving someone that is not there for you emotionally, physically or in any other way doesn't mean that it is easy to leave them and that is often not the best solution.

So how do you beat the loneliness in a relationship?

You need to communicate exactly how you feel, make time for each other no matter how difficult the schedule, find something to occupy your mind and realise that you will go a little off the rails from time to time but this is absolutely natural.

When your partner has to go away for a couple of days you can either go with or you can get time off before or after the trip in order to spend time with those you love.

Every company that gives their workers travel time, allows for family time too.

Dig into work or a social project that will keep you busy enough to forget how long your partner has been gone for.

Spend time with family and friends to keep you company so that you can take your mind off of the lonely feeling.

If your partner is present and doesn't go away bit he/she is just oblivious to the fact then you need to let them know how you feel, give a solution to the problem and allow them time to try to fix it.

Once you have done that you will know whether it has helped you or not.

Life is not meant to feel lonely and for many alone is just alone and not lonely but for others it is complete much so that you find yourself talking the hind leg off of a donkey to complete strangers just because you have been deprived of conversation for so long.

Leaving it and avoiding it can lead to you wanting affection and the first person that shows you or makes you feel a tingle, will be trouble in your relationship.

If you have something that you have always wanted to do but never got to do it, then take the loneliness away by getting on with what you have never achieved.

Loneliness is natural in every relationship but the most important thing to understand is that if you leave for too long, partners get used to the loneliness, drift apart and can never find each other again.

So the solution to beating loneliness is to let your partner in, let them know how you feel, what you need and give them the opportunity to do the same.

Where there is no communication there is no relationship....for women, guys do not think the same way that we do and for men, women do not think the same way as you therefore you need to find common ground and work together to keep your relationship in takes two to make or break a relationship and if you feel like keeping your feelings to yourself then you will never know how to fix what you have lost.

Single and lonely

Loneliness happens to everyone even if you are in a relationship.

Beating loneliness is easy but it requires a little bit of effort.

You need to change your lifestyle a little, find a hobby and a group that has the same interests as you.

There must be something that you love to do and finding a group of people that share the same interests, is half the battle won.

If you live alone and you find yourself lonely then get some music, find a show on television that interests you or begin a hobby that takes your mind off of the emptiness.

I would say that you need to spend less time at home and get yourself out to avoid that lonely feeling. Believe it or not there are people that feel the exact same way that you do and they are willing to make friends that will understand them.

The worst thing to do is to become a recluse, stay in the dark and drink yourself some company or make a mistake that you will regret later.

Find a room mate if you can't stand being alone, get out and have a drink, walk or something to do so that you can live a life of fulfilment.


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    • profile image

      rosina de vico 

      4 years ago


    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you for reading it! I think every long term relationship has moments of loneliness and there are some that just cant make it through. Sorry to hear about your past relationships but everything happens for a reason and memories are made with good and bad moments for us to continue on to happer times

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      This is an interesting discussion. When I first read the title I thought "how is it possible to be lonely in a relationship?" Well, you clarified it, and as I thought back, I realized I have felt that way in previous relationships...and as Dianna mentioned, it was then time for me to leave. Loved this discussion.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you for reading it!!

    • Janellegems profile image


      4 years ago from United States

      Thanks for showing how loneliness can creep in a relationship and the routine lifestyle, and ways to beat it and deal with it. Very helpful Hub. Voted up!!!

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you for reading

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      4 years ago

      I agree with you that after one has done all she or he can, you must leave the relationship. Great advice on how to deal with this emotion in a relationship.


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