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How to Find Out if Your Spouse is Cheating on You

Updated on November 2, 2012

One of the biggest concerns that people have when they are involved in a romantic relationship is the concern that the person they love might be having an affair. As a result, many people are interested in finding out if their significant other is cheating on them. There are many different methods of doing this but not all of them are going to be right for each situation. It is important to consider all of your options carefully before you move forward with any of them so that you make a wise choice in figuring out not only if your spouse is cheating on you but also how to best deal with the situation.

Before you actually make any move towards finding out if your spouse is cheating on you, you should ask yourself if you really want to know. Most people are so concerned with finding out the truth that they don't think about the consequences of the truth. Ask yourself if you are really ready to deal with the answer about whether or not your spouse is cheating. Figure out how you are going to move forward with the relationship if your spouse is cheating - and how you'll move forward if it appears that your spouse is not cheating. If you decide that you are ready to find out, you can figure out the best method of finding out but just make sure that you're really ready to know first.

If you decide that you do indeed want to know if your spouse is having an affair then the best course of action is to sit down calmly with your spouse and ask the question honestly. Most people go through a big process of trying to figure out sneaky ways of determining whether or not their spouse is cheating. The reality of the situation is that the best method of finding out whether or not your significant other is cheating on you is to ask. The majority of people who are confronted with this question will answer it honestly if it is asked in a non-threatening, non-dramatic manner. Tell your spouse that you need to talk about something that has been on your mind, that you are not making accusations but that you have a question. Then ask, "are you cheating on me?" You'll be surprised by the honesty of the answer that you get.

Not everyone is going to be able to handle the situation in this direct manner. Some people just aren't comfortable asking a question like this outright. Other people are convinced that they aren't going to get an honest answer just by asking. For these people, there are a whole slew of sneaky methods that can be implemented to determine whether or not a significant other is cheating. These methods include checking their pockets, email accounts, phone messages and mail for signs of an affair. They could also include tactics like asking mutual friends about the situation, hiring a private investigator to find out and following your spouse. Any of these methods may be right in your situation. However, you're going to get the best results from your search and have the most chance of moving forward in the relationship if you simply express your concerns in an honest answer and hope to get an honest response from your spouse.


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  • profile image


    5 years ago

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  • profile image


    6 years ago

    Hi views, I have a boyfriend I just met late in May 2012. I love him a lot, da only challenge was that he is currently unemployed. it was that help me get him a job.

  • four250 profile image


    6 years ago from Planet Earth

    Ok, I can use all of your insight. Please feel free to give your opinions.

    I am a married man going on 11 years of marriage and almost 10 years of no sex. My wife is just totally disinterested in sex. Do women know how frustrating this is for a man?

    I love my wife. She takes care of our child and is a good mother, but has shut out all romantic gestures whatsoever and I love romance. This makes marriage anything but enjoyable. She claims it is because of her weight gain from having our child that she no longer wants to have sex or be seen nude by me. She also claims this has nothing to do with me. It is all her, but that does not help.

    Happily married women and men do not see some of the pain that a spouse goes through when the sexless marriage is the cause of the other spouse and yes, it really makes the "neglected spouse" hurt and want to go out and cheat. Couple that situation with the fact that my wife actually gives me the permission to date other women, but if I do that AND admit it, I think my wife will change her tune for the worse. We have a beautiful child together and I don't want to put her through a messy divorce.

    So, please understand, that cheating can be the cause of a sexless marriage and when your spouse does not want to go through marriage counseling because your spouse sees no problem with the marriage, and does not even care that it is important to the other spouse, yes, the spouse can very easily cheat.

    And also, I read that with all the mobile phone spying that is going with text messages, etc, a spouse can sue the other spouse for spying on them without their consent and companies like Mobile Spy are being sued for breaking up families. The only option I can think of right now is to have an open marriage and for those of you who are not familiar with an open marriage, it simply means that the spouses are allowed to see other people. However, if this option becomes a reality, I still not want my wife to know that I would be dating someone else. It WOULDN'T be cheating since it would be an open marriage, but you still wouldn't want to say anything.

    Also, 15% of all US marriages are sexless and when one spouse wants sex and the other does not want to even talk about it, cheating is an option, whether a bad option, it is what happens, unless both spouses consent. Sexless marriages caused by one spouse makes marriage anything other than a holy institution.

    Also, when a spouse in an unhappy sexless marriage finds someone who rocks their world, it makes the hurt spouse bitter towards the other.

    Please feel free to state your opinions.

  • profile image


    6 years ago

    I found this email accidentally, and I was quite happy I did. After reading through a lot of other emailes coment and meeting a lot of fake psychics, I found a nice girl right away that is honest, funny, and very attractive after my spell casting preparation to bring the love of my life close to me We are getting married soon. We are both go to the same church and sing in their choir. Our church is pretty big anyways. We started out as friends and ended up starting a relationship which has fully blossomed and now I have asked her to marry me! SHE SAID YES!!! thanks for his margic and spells! I have found the love of my life now. l thank those who have made this site possible to drop out your experience and l shall recommend his email the to those who are still looking for their soulmate.

  • profile image

    Jason Joel 

    7 years ago

    wow, now i'll start watching over my wife...ahaa...

  • profile image


    7 years ago

    I'm back and I have a long story ok my ex boyfriend. Jasper sed he loves me but I don't love him I trust hi im that's it and my boyfriend jacob is jelous but acts like nothing is wrong ok jasper sed that he is either ganna hurt him or congrat him cause jacob won but I felt bad for jacob so I made jasper hate me for jacob but then 9or10 girls told me that he was cheating on me with my friend carly it was a lie but I think he is cheating now because he ignores me I call him no answer and now he won't even be around me and he ses these eXcuses that don't make sence I mean like I was doing chores when I just txted him and sed he was free than I ask 2 hang outamatic no I say why and o wat do u know excuse who can help me

  • profile image


    8 years ago

    I wish I had known about this site years ago. It is a great outlet. My husband cheated on me. He did not expect me to find out about the affair. But I did. It was all thanks to my gut instinct. I pursued and was able to hecked into his email and retrieved all his email correspondenced. We went thru hell and back. We were separated and that really help. We had children and therefore we had to be adult about it. It does not change my feelings of anger and betrayal though. I have lost complete trust in him. We managed to work thru it and we are together. I forgive him, because I love him and I love our family. He is a good man and a great father. But he knows he has to work at gaining my trust. Everyday is a process, work in progress. We are not perfect. We are human. I've learned marriage is work..lot of work and no one is perfect.

  • profile image


    8 years ago

    how can i tell if my girlfrend is cheating we just hade a kid but she has lied 2 me so much and i an shur she is cheating how do i no we only c each ather weakends and not in the week

  • Disturbia profile image


    8 years ago

    Some people cheat and others don't. I think that cheaters will always cheat. I was married to such a person, he openly admits that he's cheated on every woman he's ever been with, ex-wives as well as girlfriends. He seriously believes that everybody's got somebody on the side so he goes into the relationship with the expectation of being cheated on, so why shouldn't he cheat as well. I did appreciate his honesty, but found it difficult to live with. It caused a lot of problems for us because I was not cheating and hated that he thought I was. It was somehow degrading to me to know he held such a low opinion of me and that he believed I was such a person. He was an artist and photographer and had plenty of opportunity to hookup with attractive women. As much as I tried to cope with it, I eventually realized I didn't want to share my husband with a dozen other woman and I didn't want to set that example for my daughters, so I ended the marriage. It's a shame too, because he truly was not a bad man, just somewhat misguided in his thinking. We only keep in touch because he is the father of my youngest daughter. He's with a woman now who seems to accept his lifestyle choice and I wish him well.

  • christalluna1124 profile image


    8 years ago from Dallas Texas


    I totally agree. They are more than likely not going to tell you. That's why they sneak around in the first place. Second if you leave, there goes the nanny, the maid, the cook, the piece of --- when the other woman is not avaible.

    Warmest regards,


  • profile image


    9 years ago

    you dont have to be a liar to cheat.. you can still be honest about what you have done.. it depends on the person you are. if you didn't care about the person then might as well have broken up with them.. if you cared but made a foolish mistake and you love your partner then it's better to be honest.

  • profile image

    Signs of Adultery 

    9 years ago

    If you are asking what the signs are you probably know the answer. I know I've been there!...and hid from reality.

  • dashingscorpio profile image


    10 years ago

    All cheaters are liars! To cheat means keeping a secret from the one you have promise to be loyal to. The lies can be small or big depending on the situation. You may call your mate and he/she tells you they are on the other line with a friend or family member, heading to a "meeting" or have to work late. Cheaters usually have to lie to buy time to be some place or with someone when they are expected to be with their mate. To say that all cheaters aren't liars is crazy! I like the way this hub starts with the question: Do you REALLY want to know if your mate is cheating? Because once you do know the truth you have to make up your mind what you are going to do. (Stay or Leave) I don't agree that if you ask someone if they are cheating on you that they will most likely confess. There are 2 reasons why people lie to us. 1. To avoid pain (causing it or feeling the raft of anger from the person who would be hurt if they knew the truth). 2. The other reason for lying is because they love what they are doing behind your back and know that you would demand they stop. I do agree that most people cheat because they are trying to fill a gap. They like enough things about their partner enough to stay in the relationship whether it be for financial reasons, relationship stability, or good companionship but something is missing. I am not out to justify cheating but I do understand the various reasons how people do justify cheating. The truth is if you suspect your partner is cheating in your gut then most likely you are RIGHT. Generally speaking hiring a dectective, using PC spy gadgets to read email and other things are done to prove you are NOT insane when your mate tells you how insecure you are or that you YOU have trust isses when in fact they have not been Trust Worthy! If your mate has been distant, gets upset with you out of the blue over the slightest thing, is difficult to reach more often, affection and sex is avoided, starts dressing up more or hits the gym harder, maybe decides to start a new hobby or partcipate in an activity that you cannot join them in (this buys them free time to be away from you). In fact if your mate appears to be looking for more and more ways to avoid being around you there is a chance someone else has captured their interest. After all most of us only have 3-4 waking hours with our mate in a day after going back and forth to work unless you stay up late at night or both get off work early. No one thing indicates that your mate is cheating on you but when you have a few things that don't add up and your gut tells you something is not right then you have to consider the possibilty that you are being cheated on. Most cheaters that are busted justify their actions or blame their mate and in some cases they say the cliché line which has some truth underneath it. "It's not you, it's me" Ultimately your life is your life and if you know you could never forgive your mate then you need to move on because you will always be looking for clues or you will bring it up over and over again until your partner realizes that since you don't trust him/her he may as well go back to cheating or leave you. The truth may set you free but first it is going to hurt like hell.

  • torino70 profile image


    10 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

    I could have used this hub a few months ago when my wife was cheating on me. great hub.

  • Lady Guinevere profile image

    Debra Allen 

    10 years ago from West By God

    People who cheat are not all liars, some of them are not getting what they nerd in a relationship and have a problem letting the other know about it.  A few reasons are fear they may be ridiculed, not being honest with themselves and plain old afraid to ask.  Now some are just out right liars and deserve everything they get.  Communication is the real key here.  There needs to be that in a relationship at all times.  Sometimes this is hard for some especially if they have been brought up that men are better than women like is some religions.....that only produces fear from the women's side and a sense of domination on the man's part.  When religion and some cultures teach that we are all equal then marriages might stand a chance--especially in America.

  • profile image


    10 years ago

    People who cheat are mostly liars by default.


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