- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice»
- Breaking Up
How to Improve Your Relationship with Positive Words
I read this interesting book titled 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman and that brings me to an inevitable question; “Do you speak the same love language with your partner”?
For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands and endure untold hardship. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable and hardships and discomfort become our lot. The need to feel loved by our spouse or partner is at the heart of every marital desire. Material things are no replacement for human emotional love; they just fill the void temporarily.
Love is the most important word in a relationship and also the most confusing. In every child, according to psychiatrists, there’s an “Emotional Tank”, waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child misbehaves. A lot of this misbehavior is motivated by the cravings to fill an empty love tank.
This can be related to adults in a given relationship as well. We all need love before we fall in love and will continue to crave love as long as we live. More often than not, couples get frustrated and no longer want to be together. Living together suddenly becomes a nightmare for so many reasons (guess we can all relate to that at some point). However my focus is on those sweet and positive words that may help add spice to your relationship.
Words of Affirmation
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up feelings. There is power in the tongue, it kills and it saves. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They move mountains when expressed in a simple, straightforward statement of affirmation such as:
“You look hot in that dress”
“I am glad you’re a part of my life”
“The shirt looks smart on you”
“I truly appreciate how you always look out for me”.
How would you feel as a couple hearing these beautiful statements from your partner? For as long as you are both in each other’s lives, why not own the affection? Learn to complement each other, use words that that affirm goodness, appreciation and worthiness. If you do not say those words, you are making room for someone else to take up your responsibility.
To encourage is to inspire. We all have an aspect of our lives in which we feel insecure and this insecurity affects our courage to accomplish our goals and potentials. An encouraging word from your significant other could be the motivation needed to achieve your ambition and reach set goals.
Encouragement requires empathy, try to visualize dreams from your partner’s perspective. You live together hence it is easier to pinpoint your spouse’s strength and potential. Once identified, build a wall of support, give all necessary encouragement. With verbal and financial support, all you are trying to communicate is “I know, I care and I am with you”.
Most of us have more potential waiting to be tapped but what holds us back is lack of courage to give it all it takes. Don’t be a negative partner who sees failure in everything, be positive. Encouraging words like “I know you can do it, I believe in you and I am here for you” could be the magic word your partner needs. Help fill the vacuum!
Love is beautiful depending on the tone and manner it is expressed. The same phrase like “I love you” when said with kindness and tenderness can be a genuine expression of love but the same phrase communicated like “yeah, I love you too”, full of sarcasm and tone of negativity connotes something else. How would your partner feel when you say “I understand what you’re going through but remember you’re not alone, together we shall wade through the tough times”? Soothing, right?
Most times we say one thing but our tone communicates otherwise, this is where body language comes to play. Messages are often interpreted based on your tone and body language not the words used. When you are unable to fulfill a desire or wish, explain and make your partner understand why it is not impossible at that time, offer a likely period if it is something you can achieve at another time and ensure it's done. Always remember, “A soft answer melts away anger”. It is often said that silence is golden. If you cannot express kind words, you may write your messages or let it reflect positively in your attitude. Be nice!
Love makes request not demands. When in a relationship, you are equals. You both chose to be together. If you are to develop an intimate relationship, you need to know and respect your feelings and desires for one another. Expression of these desires however is very important. If they come across as demands you have erased the possibility of intimacy and will drive your partner away. You cannot be a control freak and always expect affection from your spouse, avoid talking down on your partner to prove you are in charge. Let us examine these statements:
“I want pasta tonight, don’t make it too soft?”
“Could you make that good pasta again tonight? I always enjoy it”
“You need to take out the thrash, don’t forget”
“Would you mind taking out the thrash?”
Which one would excite your partner most? Your guess is as good as mine.
When you make request, you are affirming your partner's worth and abilities. In essence, you are indicating that your significant other has something or can do something meaningful and worthwhile to you and for you. However, if you make demands you have become a tyrant and your partner will feel belittled. We cannot get emotional love by way of demand. Of course, your partner might comply out of fear, respect or intimidation but not love. Always remember that a request creates the possibility for an expression of love whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.
In conclusion, the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. We all need positive words of affirmation to fulfill our needs, create yours today and spice up your relationship. Make it work for you; it is never too late if both parties are willing.