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- Relationship Problems & Advice
How to resolve a love triangle
I recently wrote a Hupages article "How to get a girl to like you". Many readers seem to have found it useful, but one reader asked for my help in trying to solve a particular problem that he has. This hub has been written in response to his plea for help.
His basic problem is a classic love triangle. He is in love with a girl who has two suitors, himself and another man and it seems she can't decide between the two of them.
Now, this girl may genuinely be unable to decide between the two of them or she may be trying to string them both along, wishing to have her cake and eat it.
In order to try and resolve the situation, I would advise him to establish clear relationship boundaries with her.
In many aspects of life there are boundaries/lines that need to be set, respected and not crossed.
For example, laws are boundaries that have been created by others. If you overstep a boundary, such as breaking the law, there is a consequence, such as going to jail.
Some boundaries are clearly defined, some are more blurred.
Relationships are no different with some boundaries clearly defined, others more blurred.
I think in this particular situation, there are three people trying to set boundaries within their relationships.
So, what are the possible boundary situations here?
If the girl he likes is in a relationship with someone else and she has clearly told him that she loves that person, then she has drawn a clear boundary line around herself and her partner.
He should respect this boundary and not step over the line.
He can still be friends with her if they both wish, but stay within the boundaries of friendship.
If her relationship with this other person ends, he may have an opportunity with her- but she still may say no to him. He needs to respect that boundary too.
He shouldn't be disheartened - One of my female friends dated several unsuitable men, but had a male friend who was secretly in love with her. He remained friends with her for years but was careful to stay within the boundaries of friendship.
After many unsuccessful relationships she eventually gave him a chance. They are now married.
What made him different to the other men? He really loved her. He respected her space, her boundaries and her freedom to choose. He didn't force himself onto her for his own selfish ends.
The second situation is...
He says the girl is confused and doesn't know who she loves or wants. Has she actually told him this or is it wishful thinking?
If she has said she is confused then is it because she is trying to define her relationship boundaries with both of them? She is trying to decide which one she wants as a potential boyfriend, and which one she wants as a friend.
She may be trying to string them both along - but she can't have both as a boyfriend, it won't work and isn't fair to any of them.
Maybe she doesn't really want either of them.
I would suggest that if she has told him she is confused, he should stop pushing her for a decision.
Respect her boundaries and give her the space to decide what she wants.
He should tell her he loves her and although he would like to have a relationship with her, he loves and respect her enough to accept whatever she chooses.
Then he can establish his boundaries, they can either be friends, start a relationship or have no relationship at all. Once he has given her the options, he needs to give her the space and time to choose.
He should give her his number, and ask her to give him a call when she has decided what she wants. Then walk away and get on with his life.
Give her the space to choose. You can't make someone want you.
Under no circumstances should he give her the option to continue to string them both along. He deserves better than that.
If she wants to continue to do that, then maybe she isn't really the girl for him after all. Why would he want to have a relationship with someone who doesn't respect his boundaries?