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How to tackle a Heart Break
Falling in love is tough, Maintaining that love is tougher, Getting over that love is the toughest.
I'm not saying it because it is said so but because I've actually been through it myself, not just once or twice but multiple times. Yes, I have had many serious heart breaks. At first, it felt so miserable that I often ended up hurting my own self (most common instinct of teenagers). The flashback of the times spent together really haunted me day in and out. They say the solution to one guy is another, maybe they are right, but they didn't mention was it permanent or temporary. To me, it didn't do anything great but adding up to my pain and landing me to a conclusion that "All Guys are Same". Still, I kept dating guys as I was addicted. Addicted to not being lonely. Loneliness wrenched me, it reminded me of all the pain, it made me feel unwanted. I was used to appreciation and sugar- coated lies, loneliness was taking it all away. Hence, I was addicted to guys. I wanted to give it up but something kept pulling me back.
The same went on for months until one morning when I found a letter on my study table. The letter that changed my life, that changed me!
At first, I thought it was a bundle of drawing sheets stacked together, but when I picked it up, the sheets unfolded to be a 4 ft. long letter. Shocking, right? Another shock, the letter was from my newly found friend, Gayatri, whom I met just 3 days ago. I was baffled, how can she know me a lot to write that big letter, in just three days! What could it be about?
As I began reading, I realised it was all about me, all that I told her the very first day we met.
I went on reading it and didn't even realise how half an hour passed by. The letter literally moved me from within. It was deep, full of wisdom and it had content that really made me think and think a lot.
I confess, the letter was too wise that I didn't even understand the deep meaning behind it, but as time passed by things became much clearer.
I said, "I'm broken".
"Then let the light enter through your cracks", she replied.
This was the unique reply someone ever gave to me. I have said that before too, to different people and they all ironically replied "I understand" when actually they never did. I was tagged as 'available' or 'stand - by' or 'characterless' and what not. This time, it was different, brutal yet honest. I liked it.
I complained of not getting a good guy in my life, even when I was dedicated and loyal in my relationship, I was cheated and played with.
"Maybe you did not find your 'good guy' and hence you settled for anything"
Without any doubt, I got her point, as my inner self already knew it.
"And", she added, "Even if you find a good guy, what is the guarantee that he won't do the same ?".
"Because he would be a good guy".
"Always remember, Good might not always be the Right for you ".
That was kind of tricky for me then but I learnt it with time.
A few days later, she introduced me to a guy, Ved, who was her ex - classmate and her best friend then. The guy was really good looking and presentable. He was witty, sensible, " life of the party", self-dependent and way understanding. We became really good friends. He stayed far off, so we didn't meet up that frequently. But he never made me feel like he was away. We use to talk 24*7, day and night. I loved his company and I didn't even realise when I started falling for him. 'The guy was really Good'. I tried to control my feelings in the beginning but that was really frustrating. So I walked up to him and confessed my feelings.
"I love you Ved"
"I love youtube".
He never took such topics seriously. He continued our relation as a friend. I was somewhat okay with it. Hopes, you know. I thought maybe he is taking his time. He did respond to my love but when it came to accepting he just vanished. I fell for guys before too, but this time, it was different. I was brought back to my old self. This time only for worse. As I not only lost my love but also a true friend. I hid the pain in me for long but one day, under the effect of alcohol, everything came out. I started undergoing mild depression.
Days went by and it took away the pain too, but I never stopped missing him.
Gayatri and I became roommates from neighbours. All this time we really became close friends, she helped me a lot through my mess. Ved didn't just leave me but he left her too, none of us knew the reason.
It was May going on, May 17, 2013, to be very precise. She asked me to accompany her in a family function next day, I was reluctant at first. She was tensed about me and didn't want me to stay alone, hence, I agreed. The function was at her Uncle's place who lived in the same city.
There were a lot many people, she introduced me to her cousins. Lovely people they are. After a while, she got busy with some task and I was left alone. Sitting next to me was one a guy, who seemed a lot elder to me. Tall Dark Handsome, perfect epitome of beauty. I was silent as I felt bit awkward. Seeing me such he started a general convo, I wasn't concentrating much as I was stunned by his beauty. He had dimples which made his smile really cute. I kept convincing myself, not to get caught as he was really out of my league. It was time to leave, from there she and I went for shopping , forgetting everything.
When we reached home Gayatri's phone rang, it was her cousin.
The hot guy was her cousin's best friend and his name was Om (I got to know it later).
Om was 5 years elder to me. He lived elsewhere, he came here for the function.
The call reminded me of him again. Surprisingly he asked about me. And through her cousin, Om and I began talking.
A few more days passed and sadly his mum passed away. Other than his mum, he had a father too. But he was not on good terms with him. He was really sad and lonely in his life. So, he contacted me and we became really good friends.
He was a guy with good Ethics and Morals, very Kind and Generous at heart, Funny and Friendly as a friend, Sincere and Ambitious professionally and Loyal and Crazy in love.
He was everything that a girl would desire. It was not too hard to fall in love with him. Nature played its conspiracy and I fell again. This time, the guy did not propose me to be his girlfriend but he said he sees his future in me. And that is what I was craving for, surety from a guy that he won't ever leave me. Everything went so perfectly for next few months. But as said perfect things don't last, so did our relation. I don't remember him giving me any warning beforehand or even saying any bye. He just created a fight out of nowhere. I was pissed of at his weird behaviour and I shouted at him. That's it. After that thousand of messages, hundreds of miss-calls and infinite tears, all unanswered. I heard he changed his number and left the country. It was really heartbreaking, from the heaven I was pushed back to the hell. I felt so lonely and ditched once again. A year passed by but nothing changed.
I have nothing bad to say about them as till the time we were together, they were really good to me. GOOD, they were 'good guys'.
And that's when I remembered Gayatri's words, "Good might not always be right for you."
This time, I really understood what she meant. When you don't understand things easy way, life makes sure you do.
I ran back to Gayatri and said, "Now I know what you meant".
"I'm glad you learnt it now".
"But why me? Every time?"
" I'll tell you a story, okay?"
"Will that answer all my question?"
"Search for yourself."
And the story goes like this, 'One day Patience and Love agreed to meet at a set time and place, beneath the 23rd tree in an Olive Orchard. Patience arrived promptly and waited. She checked her watch every so often but still there was no sign of love. Was it 23rd tree or 56th? She wondered and decided to check, just in case. As she made her way to 56th tree, love arrived at 23rd tree where patience was noticeably silent. Love waited and waited before deciding he must have the wrong tree and perhaps it was another where they were supposed to meet. Meanwhile, Patience arrived at the 56th tree where Love was still nowhere to be seen. Both begin to drift aimlessly around the Orchard, almost meeting but never do.
Finally, Patience who was lost and feeling quite resigned found herself beneath the same tree where she began. She stood that barely for a minute when there was a tap on her shoulder. It was Love. "Where were you?", She asked, "I have been searching you all my life".
"Stop searching for me", Love said calmly, " I will find you."
I didn't need any explanation further. I smiled and went for a walk. Then started my train of thoughts. Was I being desperate? Maybe, I was not patient enough. I wanted a right guy for me, I may have an entire list to define that 'Right'. But the question was, why would a right guy want me. I did not even wait patiently for him.
It's been two years, and I still miss Om. Letting go is not easy, I still shed few tears when I am reminded of him. I still want a true love, but this time, I choose to wait. Choose to wait for someone who is worthy of my true love, the one who reciprocates my love. Where it doesn't end with "I Love you too" but it goes on with "I love you more".
'Guys for a guy' was just a temporary solution for me and temporaries won't ever work when you are looking for something permanent.
Today, I am a much better person and I feel good about myself. I am really grateful to Gayatri for being the angel who always showed me light, for never leaving me in my hardships, for handling me in my worst and for clearing up my mess. I am also thankful to Ved and Om for being good (for whatever time span).
And in midst of making yourself right guy/girl for your right ones, you'll meet a completely new you. And, I'm sure you'll love it.
Refer "Out of the woods" -Taylor Swift.
Maybe God is waiting for us to empty our hands so that he can give us something much more worth having.
I asked Gayatri, " How come you know a lot?".
"Just the way you know it now."