I Don't Want To Lose My Spouse.
At The Start Of My Relationship
A Happy Love Is A Beautiful Thing
I kid you not, the single gift of life that differentiates a happy life from one that isn't is the quality of love in that life.
People cheat in search of quality love. People sacrifice their life to prove the quality of their love. People wake up each morning yawning for a quality love. People despise their spouse because they do not receive quality love. People often forget quality starts with you and quality is not cheap.
I have carefully aligned a mindset that would improve your thoughts or introduce you to a new way of thinking. A mindset on having, giving then receiving quality love.
What Is A Relationship?
A relationship is a mutual understanding between two people to go through certain life huddles together for the benefit of parties involved.
A relationship remains functional as long as this definition is continuously met, no way around that.
When you finally meet someone who for some reason stays after you've revealed your deepest secrets and displayed your core emotions, realize you've either found the unicorn a lot of people would not see or you're in delusion.
First Things First
Which one area do you have the most problem?
The Basics To Improving A Relationship
If you continuously worry about losing your spouse, you would lose your spouse. I have tested this theory over the course of several relationships.
My promise is to give you steps to become a better "you" first as only then can you start the steps to maintain your relationship.
You cannot have a healthy relationship if you're not healthy on the inside.
You cannot improve your relationship if you are not ready to improve yourself.
Lastly, your relationship just might not be the right relationship for you.
If any of those facts trigger an emotion in you then welcome and I encourage you to summon enough strength to continue reading.
Truth Heals. Deception Kills.
If you think there's a problem, there's already a problem.
If you're not happy, your partner is not happy. Believe it or not.
To benefit from this post you have to not lie to yourself.
Excuses are for the unsuccessful, it's a coupon you can only use if you're part of the group and they're always recruiting.
If you want to be successful, quite the excuses.
If there's something your spouse is doing you do not like, do not sugar coat it. Accept that you do not like it.
If there's something you cannot put up with, do not make excuses. Accept that you cannot put up with it.
If there's a problem acknowledge there is a solution.
Your Present Situation
You might be reading this article because you just want information for future reference or you might be in need for an immediate improvement in your relationship.
Whatever your reason is, let's get busy.
For you to notice a change in your relationship or for you to want to improve your relationship, it means your behavior or perspective has changed. Each relational difficulty is as a result of one person changing not because both people changed.
What behavior have you recently changed?
What perspective have you recently changed?
I'll tell you mine.
My behavior changed when I realized certain things began upsetting me more than they did before. I got to the level where I wanted to do something to correct them. I started noticing a gap that if fixed could make me and my significant other happier.
My perspective changed by me realizing I would no longer accept being put down, being controlled and I would not continue living in an unhappy state. I wanted to be a man, again.
May I tell you, all of those results were because of something I was doing?
"I'm the one being maltreated" I thought to myself and "she's the one not appreciating me no matter what I do and how much I try."
Don't get me wrong, those rationalization might have been true but it's only focused on the effect of the problem not the cause.
My Spouse Does Not Appreciate Me
Let's understand this mindset. "I'm the one being maltreated" meaning I'm the victim, I'm the one my spouse treats poorly. The good part of this thinking is you are starting to realize you deserve better. The not so good part of this thinking is you're stuck in the victim mentality.
It's very simple to correct being maltreated.
All you have to do is stop accepting being maltreated, it's that simple.
As long as you accept it and put up with it, it would continue. What other reason would your spouse have to stop? If they had the knowledge that it's not healthy for a relationship they would have stopped a long time ago so since they're not getting this realization on their own, you have to take a step. A step to self love.
Set your boundaries, draw your line on the sand. If they cross it, take necessary actions even if it means walking away from the relationship. Stand Up For Yourself.
The other mindset "She's the one not appreciating me no matter what I do and how much I try"
If you have this thought going through your mind then know YOU ARE TRYING TOO HARD.
If you do an act of kindness that's not appreciated, you simply stop doing it. It's not you picking a fight, you're not upset, you're just placing a value to yourself. If you take time out of your day to do something nice for another adult, they should have the common sense to appreciate it. If they don't have the intellectual capacity to appreciate it then it means you're wasting your time doing that act so STOP!
If you give your partner only what they appreciate, they'd understand for them to receive X act of kindness they have to appreciate it. You have to train them to know you are not cheap. No one else could do it like you do it baby, be proud of that!
If you constantly have cake in your face, guess what? You'll grow tired of cake. Simple Human Logic.
Read that again.
I Do More Than You
Imagine a stick, the more of the stick you hold, the less space left for your significant other to hold.
It's perfectly fine to want your relationship to work, I do too but it is very important to know that if its only you trying to make the relationship work, it would not work. You would be drained. You would resent your partner, did I mention it would not work?
For a relationship to work, both people have to be invested. Both people have to benefit from the relationship.
You should care just as much as your partner does.
You should be ready to do for yourself.
You should be ready to do for your partner, just as much as they do for you.
You can be a hero, jumping into buildings and saving people from a burning house, that's awesome but when it comes to a relationship, your neck would snap if you carry the load alone.
Take These Steps To Not Lose Your Spouse
Become A Quality Partner.
To be a quality partner, you have to continuously improve yourself financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. You have to consciously love yourself first then love your partner before you can expect your partner to love you back. Can you honestly say you've been a quality partner?
You need to first understand what it is you want, what it is you don't like, what it is that makes you happy and most importantly what it is you're doing that makes your significant other treat you like they do?
Don't just expect your spouse to miraculously treat you better, if you do respectable acts, you'd be respected.
In my situation, I had to change at my core by starting a relationship with myself, knowing what I like and accepting nothing less. I had to value myself by improving myself, I had to change from dwelling in the victim mentality to leading my relationship, it had to start with me. It really didn't have anything to do with her, not really.
Accept You Could Lose Your Partner.
That's the truth, there's no guarantee in life, there's only what you can do to get the results you want.
Remember people would not easily part with something or someone they value.
The more you hold on to your spouse, the more you drive them away. It's just how human logic works.
Think of a relationship like dancing with your spouse. If you dance too close for too long, you'd suffocate them. If you dance too loose for too long, you'd lose them. What do you do instead, you come close, you dance, you push her away, pull her back, you spin her around, you pull her into your arms again. Rinse. Repeat.
No one is perfect and if you continue to cuff or jail your partner to yourself, the more they'd yawn for freedom.
Anyone in a relationship should be free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Tracking if your partner is cheating would not stop them from cheating. Choose what you'd put up with and what you wont and leave the worrying alone.
A wise man once said: Worrying is like paying forward a debt you might never owe. Not too smart now, is it?
If we attract what we fear, then continuously dwelling on losing your partner would only attract that reality. Instead, take them out, have a good time, focus on the good as you work on your shortcomings.
Listen to them when they talk, remember as much as you can. Everyone likes a cheerful giver so give gifts, surprise them with presents once in a while, give the gift of your time, your attention, no phones, no distraction, go outside together, take trips -- but do this sparingly so it means something.
There's a time to give your spouse 100% of your attention and there's a time to not give them 100% of your attention.
Have a Hobby
Be outside the house, spend time with other people, give your spouse time to wonder about you, time to miss you, time to crave your touch and attention. Let their calls go to voicemail once in a while when you're out, make them curious. Be positive, stay away from arguments, stay away from pointing fingers and placing blames. Be happy, with yourself mostly.
Faith Without Works Is Dead
Consciously knowing at the back of your mind that your relationship would last forever would not make it last forever, taking steps to fill the leaking holes, would.
Your partner would not be kind enough to tell you how they feel the minute they start realizing they could do better and this is because they don't want to hurt your feelings. If your partner is like the rest of us, they would try to shake off the feeling that you're letting yourself go, but don't be deceived, you have to maintain yourself and keep yourself in a form that is in par with your partner.
Don't Think They Are Too Good For You.
Your partner is awesome, everyone knows that. They are remarkable, you could go on and on about the things you like about them. They are very very special, just like everybody else.
Don't Sell Yourself Short.
Often times, people focus on their insecurities. May I inform you that your insecurities are not really seen? they are not noticed till you start talking about them, over and over and over. Insecurities dwell on the inside just like fear and the best way to deal with them is to build up your insides by facing them head on. Fear is a smoke, so is insecurity. If you have the courage to walk through the smoke, you'd see the beauty that lies ahead.
Don't Stop Doing The Things You Used To Do To Attract Them In The First Place.
A lot of people are guilty of this. If you opened the doors for your wife before, don't stop now. If you used to cook for your husband before, don't stop now. If you used to want love making all the time at the start of your relationship, don't stop now. Do not false advertise, if doing A makes them fall in love with you, it is very smart to continue doing A.
Don't Take Your Partner For Granted
If your partner chooses to open up to you about something going on with them, listen. Listening to your partner is so important I just had to post it twice. If you listen to your partner you would be able to pick out how to make them happy and how to love them like they understand love without them specifically telling you themselves.
Listen to them, do not try to solve their problem unless they ask for your opinion. Most people just want to feel like they have someone to talk to, someone who cares not someone who wants to control their life. When your partner comes to you, do not push them away.
Appreciate them. Tell them what you like about them (Do this sparingly).
Are you still a challenge?
Understanding Human Nature
Remember love is a beautiful thing and for it to remain beautiful both people have to water the love.
In my case, I was the only one mostly worried about saving the relationship. I did my share and did her share. How is she supposed to do all she can when I do it all? How is she supposed to be the best person she can be for our relationship if I don't hold her up to certain standards and maintain the standards? How can a relationship work when you stop treating yourself like you a prize? How can a relationship work when you don't believe you're the best and worth the best?
Humans are programmed to value what is scarce.
Humans are programmed to value what they are not sure of.
Humans usually do not leave from where they want to stay.
Humans are programmed to hold on to what they know they could lose.
When humans are certain they cannot lose something they take it for granted. Example, the one reason children misbehave is because of the perception that they would always be loved by their parent and as long as that is their reality they would take advantage of it.
Humans are programmed to value something or someone that is valueable. Meaning you have to believe you are of value, you have to do things for yourself that improves your value. If you take care of you, your partner would value you. If your partner values you, they would not be in a hurry to get rid of you.
Humans are programmed to want options. Do you attract other people when you walk into a room? if you don't, change that. People want what other people want.
Humans get used to things over time. If you continuously act like a cheat, your partner would get used to it and might leave you for it even if you actually did not cheat. If you continuously act like a doormat, your partner would get used to it. If you start appreciating yourself and start regarding and referring to yourself as someone with high value, your partner would get used to it.
For you to save your relationship, you have to be in love with yourself.