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I was moved
I wish I could write in words the exact feeling that envelopes my being tonight.
For many times now, I wish I am home. It's been quite a long while since I left my hometown.
It was October 11, 2006 when my odyssey started. My first few months were the worst. I cry myself to sleep at night, in my thoughts, I wrestled with God complaining about the things that He had put me into. I placed all the blame of my miseries to Him as my faith weaken little by little and my trust fades and turns into doubt.
All those times I was alone, every little unfavorable things that happen in my life, I nag and battle with God. Never realizing the shame I was putting myself into. All I ever hoped was an easy travelled life.
I spent each day building gaps between me and the God that I used to know. The God that I speak with people who comes to me for wisdom, the God that I keep blaming about my failures and the God that I run for shelter when problem pours over me.
I've been ungrateful for His presence in my life, I know. But each time I acknowledge Him, trials come stumbling at my door leaving me weaker in faith. I tried to meditate and understand the kind of life that God is preparing for me but I just end up in confusions and hesitations. There were even days when I doubt if He is really talking to me, If God really listens to me… I know this is too much pain to God to admit the true feelings I have inside but to whom should I confess, how long should I lie? I want a real and fast answer from God.
I continued my journey mindless of my withering faith to God, until one day I woke up millions of miles away from home. This is where my hard headedness has brought me… a desert. A place where people like me who were used to easy life will never survive.
Once again, I started complaining of this new life God has given me. My thoughts wrestle whether if God is planning for greater things for me or perhaps coming to this place were another big mistake I made. My faith is so weak that I can not withstand even a simple trial. I shake each time predicaments come knocking at my door. Is this how God wanted me to grow? Is this how God shaped me? Is God happy about me? Is God proud of me?
For once in my life, I felt that I was laid in a comfortable bed and wrapped with overflowing love that I couldn't help but feel humiliated about the stubbornness I have shown to God after all those years. My knees bend before Him as if all those doubts I have for him were erased in an instant. I can't express the intense emotion I am feeling right now. God moved me. I don't know how and I don't know when it began… it just happen.