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Infidelity In Marriage Creates Mistrust

Updated on October 22, 2011

Infidelity In Marriage-A Lying Spouse

After the lies it really is hard to get back to the point of believing what the liar is saying. You know that when the lies really were happening it seemed like nothing to the cheater back then so its easy to question the validity now. You don't know whether they are lying or not.

Before it was to the point that you had no clue what was a lie and what was the truth. It was a very difficult feeling when you found out you were being lied to the whole time. Your spouse would come home late and you just couldn't spot the lies when they were being told straight to your face. You still don't know if you just didn't want to believe in infidelity in marriage.

Then you cant even believe you believed anything your spouse said to you. You wonder why you didn't just see what was happening. You do have the memories of when you trusted your spouse. The thing is you really do feel bad now because you cant believe you actually had faith in someone who would cheat on you.

You do know you did nothing wrong and you do know that anyone can be taken by someone who is lying. No one will ever figure it out all the time. Good liars can fool people for many years in different situations without getting caught. There is no magic wand to expose a lie.

The problem is once you do realize the infidelity in marriage and you figure out all the lies then it really is difficult to believe anything after that. At times you will be so upset and confused all you will want is what once was.

Infidelity In Marriage-Can You Trust Again

Once you find out about infidelity all the rules change. Of course deep down inside you are going to want to trust your spouse but you also know its not going to come quickly. Its going to be a work in process that your spouse needs to earn.

The thing thats going to happen now is there will be no room for non reasoning. The spouse that was hurt through the cheating is going to want clear assurances that there is no more lying. If the cheating spouse comes home late and has an excuse they are going to need proof that they are telling the truth.

When we talk about proof we can even go as far as a lie detector test. It really does happen and sometimes a polygraph is the only way to get a spouse to start trusting after infidelity in marriage. I know this may seem extreme and expensive but you really need to determine if a relationship is worth it or not. I know I would do whatever it took to save my marriage.

Lots of times if the cheater is still lying then they will end up confessing before the money is ever spent. Of course nothing is perfect and that goes for a pol graph test as well. You need to take what you can get and work with what ever evidence is supplied to you.

The only person who can decide how far they will go to get the truth is the person who has been lied to. Getting back to lie detection for a second. There are companies who have people trained in picking out liars. These companies claim to be 97% accurate but they also tend to e even more money then a lie detector machine. Once again its all about the hurt person making a decision.

The one thing you do need to remember is even people trained to spot lies is a very small number so if you go that route you want to be careful that you go to a reputable company.

Infidelity In Marriage-Rebuild The Trust

The key thing and possibly most important thing when attempting to work on a relationship that has been brought down by cheating is learning how to create trust in a different manor. The way this is going to work is with one small baby step at a time. It is going to be important to you to know every single thing that is happening. At some point you will have to start letting your guard down and trusting your spouse. If the cheater is working towards trust and is acting the way they should be then that may be a good time to slowly start giving the trust back.

When you talk to couples the person who was cheated on doesnt only want the cheater to be sorry for their actions. They want to see that the cheater is taking steps to be a different person in the parts of the relationship that needs fixing. They need to be able to see that the cheating spouse is more than just talk and that they really are trying to be different.

Infidelity In Marriage-Take Some Steps

Everyone's relationship is different but there are some basic actions you can have a look at.

The first one is figuring out the triggers for mistrust. Think about the last 4 weeks as the cheater or the one cheated on. Think about the things now that didn't set you off in the past. Like before when the cheater would come home half an hour late you wouldn't think anything. Now if it happens it is a trigger to what happened from the cheater.

Another trigger is when the cheater is supposed to be somewhere but yet no matter how hard you try you cant contact them. It even makes it worse if the cell phone is turned off. These things keep us wondering and it isn't good things were wondering about.

If you were the one doing the cheating then you want to put an effort into making sure your spouse knows what you are doing. Have a plan in place that works for both of you to make sure your where abouts are always known. Make sure small talk is a big part of these talking time frames. If you are talking then you are also getting the communication going.

Now the time has come to start removing some of the triggers that set off feelings of mistrust.  Make sure both of you talk about your day and what happened.  Talk about things at work and anywhere else your spouse cant be with you.  Tell your spouse about things that can be easily checked on.

Some of the spouses might feel like they are being treated like a child by having to check in and stuff like that.  I suggest we get rid of that feeling very quickly as it will arouse suspicion.  As the cheater you just have to face the facts that for now and possibly quite a while to come this is the way things are going to be.  By letting your spouse check in to what you are doing is going to help you move forward in getting your spouse to trust you again.

Infidelity In Marriage-Just Keep Going

Whether we like it or not in some cases our lives have dirty little secrets that can be devastating in so many ways.

Infidelity in marriage is one of those dirty little secrets.

No one deserves the pain involved on being cheated on but unfortunately it happens.

Another thing you want to consider is a relationship can survive if things are dealt with properly.

Also head on over to my blog to follow along . Visit After An Affair


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    • pmccray profile image


      7 years ago from Utah

      Any form of a lie be it in marriage, work relationship . . etc it's hard to revive the trust once it has been torn. It takes time and lots of communication. As an older person I don't want to waste the time. I too have been blessed with a mate (of nearly 20 years),but as I told him in the very beginning of our relationship that once I lost trust I'm done.

      Life is too short to keep banging ones head against the wall. Sooner or later you've got to get rid of the cause of the headache. I can do bad all by myself.

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      7 years ago from London, UK

      Once the trust has gone I don't think it is worthwhile to keep the marriage going. Some people can do it, but very few. It also depends on having the will on both sides. Wonderfully written hub.

    • Eiddwen profile image


      7 years ago from Wales

      I have been blessed with a brilliant second wind when I met my present partner Dai five years ago.

      Despite a previous horrendous 26 yr marriage I trust Dai 100% but if it ever came about that he had been unfaithful I would find it very hard to forgive and I don't know if I would ever trust him again. It's difficukt to say unless you are in that situation how we woulkd react.

      This is a very well written and thought provoking hub.Well done.


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