- Gender and Relationships
Is His Irrational Behavior An Issue?
Having a man being in touch with his feelings is important—as long as these feelings don't dictate irrational behavior.
Men who have irrational behavior have a very hard time admitting when they are wrong. They will lash out before thinking and will make harsh decisions before getting all the facts. They also tend to have mood swings—one minute they are happy, the next minute they are lashing out with hurtful words and sometimes physical acts—pushing, slapping, or worse. If a guy is physically abusing you, leave and head to a safe place and call 911. A man who is irrational will also find any excuse or reason to blow a gasket—he's basically an emotional basket case.
From the men I have seen that display this type of behavior, it's usually triggered by their fear of getting hurt. They either have abandonment issues that stem from having parents who maybe divorced at an early age—leaving the lack of a father presence—Or they have had their heartbroken by a girl they dated who they finally opened their heart to for the first time. Maybe they have been surrounded by relationships that haven't worked out amongst friends or close family members. Whatever the reasoning is, they will cause ruckus, have outbursts and invent stories in their mind to justify why a woman they care about isn't right for them in order to protect their heart. This explosive behavior is something that is not only hard for them to control, it's also shocking for you to deal with and difficult to understand.
I dated a guy who displayed all the confidence in the world when I met him. I was introduced to him through a group of friends. He stood up tall, embraced everyone with assurance and humor. His smile lit up the room and people enjoyed being around him—including my friends. He was extremely thoughtful and generous so when he asked me out there was no hesitation on my end.
Our first date was perfect. He made me dinner—he asked me prior what I liked to eat, making sure that everything he made was not only gluten-free, but also some of the things I loved the most. The dinner was delicious and the conversation flowed with ease. Our first kiss at the end of the evening was perfect, leaving a memorable impression that danced all night in my head.
The next few weeks felt like our very first date. He was always taking time to plan things for us and thinking about ways to make me happy. Was this guy for real?
When we finally had the talk about exclusivity, my heart skipped a beat. Everything felt right about this guy so again, there was no hesitation. The passion when we were together was breathtaking. Little did I know that being exclusive meant that his heart would actually make him feel more vulnerable—causing him to emotionally push me away. Having his heart vulnerable, in his mind, meant that I might change my mind and one day decide to end things, even though that thought had never crossed my mind.
Fear does crazy things to one’s mind. Once fear sets in it becomes hard to control, causing irrational behavior that can't be fully explained nor stopped.
One minute things between us were amazing...the next minute, he was finding reasons to be mad and end things with me. This emotional cycle usually happened after he had one too many alcoholic drinks or was partying—giving him justification for his paranoid behavior to set in. What frustrated me the most was the things he would decide to be angry about were things that most people would not ever get that emotionally worked up about.
This guy got mad at me once for taking too long to park the car when he was in the lobby waiting for me to come inside. Another time he got mad because I was five minutes later than I had said I would be when meeting him out for dinner. He also would hold things against me that had happened in the past that I already apologized for—on my own accord. He would tell me that things were fine and he appreciated me apologizing and then the next day he would call, screaming at me, telling me that I had no right to give him grief about the exact situation I had already apologized for. There was no winning with this guy. Being with him became emotionally draining since I never knew what would set him off.
When I finally started thinking about our relationship, it made me realize that every time we would have a great day or night together or both, or every time we would have an amazing weekend together, he would go into panic mode thinking that what we had was too good to be true, so he needed to "jump ship" before I did—again, nothing I thought about. He was so worried about getting his heart broken and caring too much about me that he ultimately ended up pushing me away. He just couldn't get out of his own way and let himself be happy. This was an emotional roller-coaster ride that I could no longer stay on.
What really broke my heart is that he was an incredible guy when he got out of his own head and stopped worrying about what might be and focused on what actually was—us and how great we really were together and how great we could have been. But his insecurities got in the way and eventually destroyed the bond and trust I felt for him.
Regardless of what I said or did...Regardless about how much I showed him that he was the one I wanted to be with him...Regardless of the therapy we went to, his irrational behavior was the only thing that made him feel secure. When I finally had enough, all he had to say was, "See, I knew you didn't really love me." Wow. Really? Let’s be clear….
Raising your voice to get your point across (and not listening to the other person) versus having an adult conversation. Yelling at someone in front of their friends and yours. Taking what someone says and holding it against them. Pushing someone away emotionally over and over again. Seeing how much you mentally can hurt someone by lashing out, and doing everything in your power to find things wrong....no love is strong enough to conquer all of that....at least not for me. I didn't stop loving him, I just realized that I loved myself more to not keep myself in that destructive situation anymore.
Ladies, when a man's irrational behavior (and frankly, explosive) starts to become an issue, it's time to reevaluate if this guy is really the right guy for you, especially if he can't control it. Don't get me wrong, everyone gets mad and we all can have irrational moments. But when the irrational moments start to take over, you might be dealing with a man who not only has anger issues, but may be bipolar (and not on meds)...or possibly both.
Bottom line, know that you deserve love—all-consuming love. But this doesn't mean that you should settle and be with a guy that continues to pushes you away and looks for reasons not to be with you. You deserve love where your faults aren't thrown back in your face or used against you. Love yourself enough to know that you will find a guy who will love you the same...Fully, whole-heartedly…and rationally.
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