- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Manipulation Part 1
Manipulation Part 1
Manipulation is about control, psychological warfare if you will. It's all about the manipulator getting what he/she wants and he will stop at nothing to get it. He will do or say whatever it takes to keep that control.
Most articles online focus on relationship manipulation. Those among lovers. However manipulative techniques can be used on anyone. I'm fairly new to this whole concept of manipulation and was made aware of it when someone(a buddy) moved in with my father. This buddy had been supposedly a friend to my Dad for quite some time. Personally I never cared for him, I found him aggressive and belligerent.
So I focus this article on not only manipulation among love relationships but any type of relationship because manipulation occurs between friends, neighbors, coworkers, family, almost anyone you have contact with and there really is nothing you can do.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get someone out of an elderly parents house once he/she has moved in. The law does not favor the elderly person.
What I mean by this is once the elderly person has allowed something to happen he/she is then embarrased to admit their mistake. Often times they may be afraid of the person they've allowed to take over their lives. They don't know what to do and when it comes to really putting the grind down on the manipulator to get him out it requires the time consuming task of going to the police then court all the while the manipulator is thinking of the lies he's gping to tell to get the police, court and everyone else on his side.
This is in many ways the worst kind of manipulation to deal with because you, as the family member, have no control over the elderly person's decisions even when you can see they are bad decisions. I'm not referring to someone who is senile, incompetent or is unable to care for himself/herself and belongs in a nursing home. Granted when this kind of problem is encountered it is much easier to declare the elderly unfit to care for themselves and ship them off to a nursing home if they can. And there is no shortage of governmental agencies that are more than willing to make sure the elderly parent gets put in a nursing home. All it requires is the child's say so in the matter and the wheels start turning and once they do there is very little that can be done to turn them back and the elderly have absolutely no say in the matter.
The elderly make excellent targets for a manipulator. It's seemingly easier to convince them of things that are not true or make them think an unfavorable outcome will happen if they disagree with the manipulator. In my father's case the manipulator(Dad's buddy, if you can call him that) convinced my dad that the VA and the doctors would send him to a nursing home if he wasn't there with him. He was moved in before I knew it was happening. The manipulator(his name is Herman) made sure to get his things moved in before the weekend rolled around and I'd be there. He convinced my dad he had no place to go and needed his help and threw the part about a nursing home in for good measure. As my dad had run into this problem after his heart attack with the homecare nurses trying to get him put into a nursing home(at the time I was with my dad) it wasn't particularly difficult to make him think they were talking about the nursing home again. I've even had this manipulator try to convince me of some of this stuff and even tried to say he'd spoken with my dad's nurses. I promptly called my dad's nurse and was quickly informed this was not the case. I certainly hope she valued her job and license enough not to discuss medical issues with anyone other than the patient or family.
Manipulators are insideous creatures. They will try to convince you of something that is not actually true. They twist everything to their own advantage, they try to control every situation and conversation and if they feel it goes in a direction they don't like they will attempt to change the subject. They will even try to overrule you to talk about something else. They will make subtle putdowns, make jokes that are hurtful.
In short a manipulator will do or say almost anything to get his way and control. A manipulator who wants to control his wife and make sure she never leaves him will convince her she is worthless and ugly and no other man will have her so she better stick with what she has. This is one of the most torturous of all evils to inflict on another human being yet countless people do it to the person they claim to cherish. This is not love.
Parents do it to their children to keep them compliant and dependent on them. In essence this is the most used tool in the manipulators arsenal. Keep said person compliant, weak, unable to defend themselves, in self doubt and totally reliant on the manipulator.
If you try to out the manipulator you end up looking like the bad guy. He always makes sure everyone else is on his side and they are masters at fooling people. They are constantly the victim, someone is always out to get them and it is truly amazing how many people fall for this. So if you disagree you are simply victimizing the manipulator and making it easier for him to convince everyone you are another one of the bad guys. Manipulators are experts at turning everything around. They are expert liars, cheaters, thieves, extortionists, etc. They have spent years honing their skill and by the time you encounter someone like this you really have no defense against them.
The only defense is to stay away from them. have little to nothing to do with them. My advice: cut all ties and never look back. If you happen to be in a love relationship like this you will never get any better advice. Manipulators don't change, they only change their spots.
But what if the manipulator is a family member that can't be avoided? What if it's someone your parents have allowed to move in with them and you can see what a loser this person is but your parents refuse to run the scumbag off? What if you are a parent watching your child getting involved with someone you can clearly see is a manipulator but your child refuses to see the person for whom he/she really is? Well this is much more difficult because it's not firsthand it's secondhand if you will and you have absolutely no control over what your parents, children, etc. do.
If it's a family member avoid contact as much as possible. If not never engage the manipulator, be polite, that's it. Don't argue even when the manipulator is clearly wrong. If he asks for something the answer should always be no because when he asks for something it's always to further his own ambitions and if you say yes even once he will try to make it impossible for you to say no the next time. Be ready, he will try to make you feel guilty for not helping. He will use subtle putdowns, he will try to say the thing he wants is for someone else thereby casting the light from himself trying to make you feel even guiltier for not complying.
There is much to know and learn when it comes to the manipulator so I've decided to divide it up into more than one part.