ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Marriage and Divorce

Updated on April 29, 2012
keeping the marriage going
keeping the marriage going | Source

OK now that you are married and feel that you have finally done it, it is time to start slowly adjusting to the new world.

What sort of world? Frankly, it is difficult to generalize. For, if you’ve married your childhood sweetheart after a long romance, it could be a heady euphoric dream world of romantic possibilities laced with fulfillment highs. If it’s an arranged marriage of the kind seen in traditional societies, there could be plenty of suspense as a slow discovery process peels away layer after layer to reveal what one is into. There can be all sorts of permutations and combinations and especially because no two individuals are alike, it is hazardous to venture into any description of the immediate world that a couple may find themselves in.

Fast-forward a couple of years and the terrain looks simpler to describe, as life settles down into familiar patterns. The suspense has largely lifted away, to reveal idiosyncrasies and foibles and help form the initial impressions that will usually last a lifetime. The flavor of the experience – whether enjoyable, repulsive or mixed - is still impossible to define as there are large variations of the theme and it really doesn’t serve any purpose. For there are as many marriages as individuals and marriages are also paradoxical in some ways. There are couples who have dated for years and known each other well enough, divorcing within weeks of marriage. There are also arranged marriages where strangers wedded by the elders adjusted so well that the understanding, mutual respect and unalloyed joy in their lives casts an infectious spell and charm on others around them.

Marriage and Divorce

There are two broad paths now -

- investing in the relationship, adjusting to the partner and enjoying the experience and keeping the marriage going in spite of the bumpy ride that it may seem at times, or

- deciding that the dissolution of the marriage may be the best option for all parties concerned.

It is true that divorce may sometimes be a better alternative than suffering and causing incalculable harm to each other, but it is also true that there is a cost and although seemingly an easy alternative, should be resorted to only after we give marriage a chance to succeed.Therefore the first step would be to try and make the marriage work.

It may be necessary to realise that it would take take some active effort to keep a marriage going. Both partners would have to contribute for mutual benefit. If after all these efforts, the personality differences and adjustment problems seem too serious to be bridged, divorce could be a last resort solution to the problems.

The formula to make it work

The formula is that there is no formula. But there are some pointers that can be kept in mind.

1. Strive to be the right mate . Selecting a right mate is taken very seriously, but after the marriage, it comes down to finding the flaws in the spouse and figuring out the gap vis-à-vis expectations. “I always thought my husband will help me with the cooking – this man dreads going to the kitchen – he can’t even make a cup of tea.” “I always imagined my wife will join me in hiking trips – this one hates the outdoors!” “I don’t like his serious brooding nature – who can live with a man like this?” “I hate people who are always frivolous. Being light-hearted on occasions is OK, but 24 x 7 – it’s just crazy!” Could all be true, but the point is, it won’t serve the marriage any good, if one doesn’t try to be the right mate by looking at what one is bringing to the table and improving on the record. As rabbi Barnett R. Brickner said “Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” So if we spend some time considering what we are contributing to make the marriage work, rather than what the other person is doing to spoil it, the experience could turn out to be better for both.

2. Give as well as claim space. One of the big issues is to sort out how much individuality of mine is allowed a free play and how much the other person’s assertion is making me feel suffocated. Quite often partners take up aggressive postures to have their individual space resulting in conflicts, breakdown of communication or even separation. If we remember that no marriage can provide scope for total unfettered individuality, things will be much better. As Anne Taylor Fleming said “a long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.”

3. Learn to reinvent. Living with the same person and getting to intimately observe the quirks, eccentricities and repulsive elements can be very tiring as the years go by. Whatever is good in the other person is either taken for granted or stinks because it lacks freshness. It’s very necessary to deal with and banish the stale odor of monotony and familiarity by reinventing oneself and elements of the relationship so that the long journey does not become too tiring because of the monotony. Mignon McLaughlin, the journalist and author wrote in The Second Neurotic's Notebook , 1966 that “a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

There can be no exhaustive list and these are only a few pointers to underscore the fact that a long successful marriage requires of both partners to actively invest in making it work as a continuous process.


Submit a Comment
  • Vinodkpillai profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from Hyderabad, India

    Thanks Denise for your comment. That is a central problem - "the world needs to change, I don't need to" - which messes up a whole lot of things including marriage.

  • Denise Handlon profile image

    Denise Handlon 

    8 years ago from North Carolina

    Well written advice, Vinodkpillai. It is amazing how many people go into a marriage believing it is the other person who needs to change, and expecting that, only to be disappointed as time goes on. I find that as I have grown older and understand myself at a deeper level, I am able to see a clearer picture of a person's qualities-and character flaws, that I was not able to see earlier because my own egoic needs were obscuring this vision. My second husband was my soul mate, I believe, despite all of his shortcomings. He's been gone for five years now and I can still hear his hearty laugh-he had a great laugh. Wonderful hub, thanks for sharing.

  • Vinodkpillai profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from Hyderabad, India

    hi suzetteboston. Firstly thank you for visiting and for the comment. Secondly and more importantly I salute you for being a champion of the Senior Community and their cause and wish you all the best in working towards your noble goals.

  • suzetteboston profile image


    8 years ago

    Thanks for the information, great ideas.

  • Vinodkpillai profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from Hyderabad, India

    Hi prairieprincess. Thanks for your comment. Very encouraging - thanks.

  • prairieprincess profile image

    Sharilee Swaity 

    8 years ago from Canada

    Wow, this is excellent! Very fresh and original advice.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)