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My Fellow Sistas: Stop Having Babies By No-Good, So-Called "Men"!

Updated on August 19, 2013
Iyanla Vanzant was interviewed by Madame to discuss issues concerning women of color.
Iyanla Vanzant was interviewed by Madame to discuss issues concerning women of color. | Source

I Certainly Hope You Have Read My Disclaimer Prior To Reading This...

because I am about to be real about my thoughts surrounding this issue in our community. Mind you, I am not speaking out of malice nor hatred. This is out of love, whether you are black, white, Asian or Hispanic. I am mainly focusing on my fellow black women because that is the cultural group that I associate with the most. We are all grown women (I assume) and we can all agree to disagree on this topic that I am about to discuss.

When I Heard About Iyanla Vanzant's Interview About Women of Color,

I just had to see what the hype was all about. Some women were saying that Iyanla was putting black women down just like every other famous black person discussing issues within our own culture. Well, I watched the video and guess what? I applauded her for speaking the absolute truth. Too many times, I have witnessed women who in my life or within my community have children with men that aren't capable of being fathers in the first place. Too many times I see women chasing this guy down to take care of his responsibilities. Too many times I see women being emotionally, spiritually, mentally and/or physically abused by these men and hoping that a baby will change everything and that he will finally "be a man". Too many times I see women being a mother to a grown man that is unemployed (and not looking for a job), while she is the provider. It pains me to see women degrading and demeaning themselves just so they could have a man in their life.

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Before You Chose A Mate,

you have first and foremost love yourself! Know your own worth. Have standards for what you will accept or not accept in a relationship. If he does not match your standards or mistreating you, guess what? Give him the boot! It's their lost, not yours. Be comfortable in your own skin, whether you are with a mate or not. Do not EVER let a man dictate your life! Have something else going on in your life such as a job, a hobby, volunteer work, having fun with your friends and exploring the world. Believe it or not, there are too many things in this world to not explore. When you establish self-love and confidence, that is when you attract men who are beneficial to your life. You can also decipher between who fits into your life and who doesn't. This tip in self-love is vital to your well-being.

Now On To Choosing A Mate and The Lack Of Self-Love and Acceptance

The majority of these women select these men because of either a lack of a father or a father-figure in their life. They do not have a clear concept of what a man is supposed to do or how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Therefore, they seek the love from the opposite sex to fill a void or the pain of not having a father. Or the father is there in a daughter's life, and either he is not present or she simply refuses to listen to what he has to say about the game.

They lack self-worth and acceptance and they are willing to obtain that through a "man". In other words, their self-esteem and their whole being relies on being with a man, regardless of whether he is good for them or not. The men they chose to share their body, mind and spirit with do not love themselves, let alone love the woman that they are with! What women have to realize is that the man you choose to be with is a STRONG REFLECTION OF YOU. It is a strong indication on how you feel about yourself! For instance, if you were to be with a man who does not provide, who is not faithful nor attentive to your needs or wants, it indicates that you do not think that you do not deserve a REAL MAN that can take of you. It also indicates that you do not think that a man is capable of being MONOGAMOUS and can give you your needs and wants.

I Wrote Another Hub A While Ago,

about women loving "bad boys" and vice versa that you can read here. One of the reasons that I have emphasized is that some of these women hope to "change his bad ways". Like I have mentioned before, the thought and the action of changing someone has a lot more to do with YOU than it is about HIM. It has to do your own ego and your own need to seek validation by attempting to change him. Moral of the story is: you cannot change him. A man has to be the one who WANTS to change. With that being said, if you knew that this man does not provide, inattentive, unfaithful, disrespectful, and abusive towards you, what in the hell makes you think that a baby is going to change that? Think about it. A man is only going to do what you allow him to and he will do so, regardless of how you may feel about it. And yes, it is the job of a man to respect a woman, but it is the woman's job to give a man something to respect!

Oprah's Lifeclass on "Daddyless Daughters"

The Blame Game...Stop With That Mess!

Granted, it is really hard to look at oneself and take accountability for your actions. I know it is. I know it is easy to shift total blame on the other person instead of yourself. It does take two to tango and to form another being. However as women, we have to take responsibility for our own reproductive health. Do not put your health and life into his hands. At the end of the day, you have to carry the child, NOT HIM. Before you allow a man to have sex with you, think about how he treats you, and how he treats the people around him. If he does not fit the criteria for a father, or even a boyfriend/husband, who does not contribute anything positive to his community, then he does not deserve your body, mind and spirit.

Another thing I would like to disclose as well is having a baby to keep a man. First off, a baby will not keep a man around nor change his ways. What would usually happen when you decide to get pregnant on purpose and the relationship between the mother and father is not stable nor balanced, guess how the child's life will be affected? Do you know that you pass on part of your spirit and emotions into your womb? And when the child is born and sees an unstable and unbalanced relationship between his or her parents, what example are you setting for them? Or if the father is never around at all, what example are you setting for them? It is setting your child up to have a HUGE void in their life. It is setting them up to have abandonment and trust issues. It is setting them up to find love and validation through the wrong people and repeating this abusive cycle. A lot of this is because of the pain of not having a father in their life!


My Final Thoughts...

Mind you, I am expressing my thoughts surrounding this issue out of love. And when you love, you tell the truth because you want better for people. And in order to want better, sometimes you have to confront the ugly truth. Like I have mentioned before, the truth on yourself and your mistakes are not easy to look into.

In addition, my solution surrounding this issues for those who are contemplating on having a child, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you just hoping your way into having a "better relationship" by having a baby?
  • Does he treat you with honor and dignity?
  • Does he contribute anything positive to his community? Does he volunteer? Does he have a job and/or goes to school?
  • Does he plan to marry you and is actually intending on committing his life to you?
  • Does he verify his feelings for you with actions and not just words?
  • Do you or him understand the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual aspects of bringing a child into the world? Think about it.

For the sistas that already have a child by a man who you thought was "ideal" at the time, one tip: do not be bitter! Learn from your own mistakes and do what is best for you and your child! As a parent, you live for your child, not the other way around. Your child should not used as a pawn to get back at your child's father for whatever reason. Regardless of what he has done to you during the relationship, do not put it on the child! Do not instill any hatred or resentment towards your child. Remember, just because the relationship fell apart does not mean that his relationship with his child has to! Granted each situation is different in which the father chooses not to be part of a child's life. Either way, you do your best as a mother to heal yourself and to love your child. Help them heal as well as educating them so the cycle will not be repeated.


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    • shaynadc89 profile imageAUTHOR

      Shayna Cacho 

      5 years ago from Brooklyn, NY, Living in Delaware

      @Indigoo Exactly! Right on point! It's all about being self-aware and knowing patterns and perceptions. Like Iyanla said, it is absolutely ESSENTIAL to learn our history of being women, especially women of color. We were programmed to be the "Mammy" , "Jezebel" or the "Angry Black Woman" (to this day, add I add). Other cultural groups have their own terminologies for categorizing women as well, but back to the main point at hand. Being aware of your history and being aware of growing up in a broken home as well as being demeaned and distorted in modern society should make yourself an empowered woman. It should make you see the patterns and perceptions and know that I am more than just my hips and my breasts. I am a lot more than my makeup, tight clothes and shoes. When you strip all that off, that is when people see the real you on the inside. Unfortunately, some women don't see that because they are so caught up in being the "baddest b!&%h" that they don't realize that they are accommodating to society's standards and thus taking away their power.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      yess!!! i completely agree its perpetual and it has everything to do with the earliest childhood memories of family and what they were normalized by.. did daddy cheat on mommy and stay? was he abusive? was he there? was he responsible? a weak male or negative male role model is a huge indacitor in these women that commit these crimes against themselves. also the point on self love in general.. in a society where just being a woman in general society attacks and distorts ur image of selfworth and beauty.. imagine being raised in a dysfunctional environment on top of that.. these women have never been able to escape the vicious cycle of neglect, from their father lovers and most importantly themselves.. especially while young.. all that energy should be put towards making urself a better woman to command the type of man that will have a place in your life.

    • shaynadc89 profile imageAUTHOR

      Shayna Cacho 

      5 years ago from Brooklyn, NY, Living in Delaware

      @dashingscorpio Thanks you for your feedback as well as voting up! But yes, there are too many contraceptives in the world to use to have "accidental pregnancies", especially since the woman has to be the one to carry a child for nine months! A lot of these issues relate to low self-esteem and not knowing their power. Like Iyanla Vanzant explained, "As women we live in a society in which we are demeaned and demoralized and we accommodate it". And one way of accommodating is by settling for a "bad boy" and hoping that by having a baby will change him. Which is very unfortunate because there are too many things going on in the world that needs to be explored to settle for someone who doesn't honor nor respect his woman.

      We do choose who we want to be with at the end of the day (and I LOVE your comparisons with buying an apple)! Women do choose who to have children with as well as deal with physical, emotional, spiritual and mental aspects of carrying a child. A man doesn't have to deal with carrying a child for nine months.

      Again, thanks for your feedback and understanding my purpose of my hub. It was not meant to bash, but to educate and empower women!

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago

      Voted up and useful!

      Too often people forget that each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a better shopper!

      Whether one calls it having "standards" or a "shopping list" they are responsible for sticking to it. I'm amazed with all the various birth control methods there are plus the "morning after pill" that there could be so many "accidental pregnancies". Ultimately only the woman can make the choice of whether there is a birth or not. However both the man and woman are responsible for having "unprotected sex" and yet it's the woman who would have to make the tough decisions. Therefore they need to be diligent about dating men of high caliber, use the best birth control methods, and not produce children with men who are not their husbands or at least responsible.

      Unfortunately too many young girls get pregnant while they are in their "bad boy" dating phase or before they seriously consider going to college or establishing a career. This hub is an excellent reminder that these women have to take charge of their future.

      It's your life. Take the wheel!


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