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The Best Ways to Overcome Tension In Your Marriage

Updated on February 23, 2012

Every couple gets into arguments. We all have disagreements. When the tension is too great to bare, it is time to look into some ways to get rid of it. Strife and stress can put a burden on your body, your kids, and your relationships outside the home. Lets nip it in the bud.


The number one reason for divorce is money. If you and your spouse are having money problems, there are a few ways to make them a little more easy to bare. Sit down with each other when you are both in a good frame of mind. Have a cup of tea, turn your phones and tv off, get a babysitter, get a notebook and a pen, and establish some ground rules.

  • Do not speak over each other. This is the reason that arguments escalate. Let each other speak, and listen to each other intently before responding.
  • No raising your voices. No matter where the conversation goes, promise that your decibels will stay within reason.
  • Don't go on a rampage and rattle off a hundred things. Speak calmly and rationally.

Go over your budget with a pen and paper or a whiteboard. Decide what you need to spend in different areas each month and where you can cut some costs. Do you really use your gym membership? Do you need to go out to eat every night? And when you do, can you begin to order a soup and salad instead of a filet mignon? Anyone can do just about anything for a month. Try to spend as little as you can one month, and whatever extra money comes in you can put into savings or decide to put towards debt. Maybe you can try to do this for 2 or 3 months and depending on how much you save, reward yourself with a nice date or overnight vacation to rekindle your relationship. Once you have done this, you can both make a conscious effort towards your goal of putting X amount of money in the bank or towards your mortgage or credit cards. You can save thousands or even hundreds of thousands of dollars if you double up on your mortgage when you can. Also, stop with the impulse buying. If you can order your cleaning supplies, vitamins, and household items online instead of going to the store (try an Amway Salesman for these items), you might can save some money on impulse purchases. When you make a grocery list, stick to it. Make it a rule not to spend a dime unless it is within the budget. If you or your spouse messes up, go to each other and confess. This way you begin to be accountable to each other and the trust and reliability in your relationship will increase!

The Past

The past is one of those things that tends to come up in arguments when they get heated. If something that has happened in the past is still bothering you or your spouse, decide to address it and get over it. If your spouse has betrayed your trust, explain to him/ her that while it may take some time for you to have the trust again, you will work on it and move forward. Whatever has happened in the past can continue to haunt you, but it doesn't have to harm your relationship over and over. Forgive him/her and try your best to forget about it.This will take some discipline and humbleness, but you can do it. Also do not use words like "always" or "never". You spouse does not "always" or "never" do this or that, so try not to point it out.


One of the reasons couples can continue to argue is because they are afraid to "back down". This is unintelligent and it does not do anything for your relationship or your self esteem. Keep the rules from the money discussion: no raising voices, talking over each other, etc. When your spouse is right, make it a point to say "you are right". It may be hard at first, but it will get easier. It will also entice your spouse to lower his/ her guard as well. When you take pride out of the equation the defense is gone and you can begin to move forward.

Does it really matter?

If you are arguing about things that don't really matter, back off and let it go. The rule in our house is: if it doesn't matter in 5 years, its not worth fighting about. This can be frustrating, especially when you wanna unleash on your spouse, but go take a run or do something that will take your mind off it. You can explain how you are feeling to your spouse calmly, so he/ she knows. Ultimately, this isn't something you are going to argue over. Just state your peace and move on.


Praying for God to change your spouse and giving it all to Him is the best way to go about the strife in your marriage. If you are not religious, try going into a quiet room and doing some breathing exercises. Relax and take a bubble bath, Take a nap. Whatever you think you can do to improve your mood and your psyche will ultimately help your arguments with your spouse.

Take Time

Take some time to be with each other, to forget about the problems, and to enjoy each others company. Don't be afraid to get a babysitter once or twice a month, and get back to the basics. If mom and dad aren't happy, its going to wear and tear on your kids. When you two are in alignment, the rest of the family can fall into place. If you can't afford a babysitter, try to set some time alone after they go to bed. Don't watch TV or get on your phones or Ipads. Sit down with each other and talk about your days, talk about your feelings, and talk about the future. Support each other and try to involve each other as much as you can, and your marriage will blossom. Also, don't forget to get a nice card or have a little surprise for your spouse every now and then. Gifts and surprises can keep things interesting and keep your relationship on point.

In conclusion, try these tips and remember to be selfless and to think of one another. When it looks like a lost cause, keep trying. Your spouse will come around and eventually you will be back to your dating and canoodling phase. Your relationship will be restored except this time you will have maturity and a strong foundation. The marriage you will share will be more than you could have imagined and you will be amazed at how in love you are.

Some book recommendations:

The Five Love Languages

His Needs, Her Needs,

Why You Act The Way You Do

Love and Respect.


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