- Gender and Relationships
Adultery does not begin with
It does not start with an
exchange of phone numbers.
Adultery begins when a person puts him or herself into a position where they 'might' meet someone with whom they 'could' have an affair.
The Indefinite terms, might and could are vital.
This is not one of those rare situations where a married person finds him or herself emotionally involved with someone unexpectedly.
This is where a married person goes out of his or her way to find a possible slam.
This is a person who wants to commit adultery, the 'who' they would commit adultery with is yet to be announced.
The Signs of Pre-adultery mode are missed by the soon to be betrayed party.
'Working late', ' Out with the boys', 'Attending a club meeting', some other acceptable explanation as to why he is not coming home on time is offered and accepted.
There seems no reason for the wife to be suspicious. There are no strange phone calls, text messages or Facebook entries.
Further, he may have worked late or had a Thursday 'boys night out', or belonged to the club before you met him.
Those who are entering pre-adultery mode use these excuses to go Tom Catting. They may go to strip clubs, singles bars, anywhere they think they can find someone who will have sex with them.
They may very well go to their club meeting, sign in, but slip out and search for any female who might be available.
They have not had sex yet.
They may not even have met anyone they could have sex with.
But they will strive to find someone they could have sex with.
When a man enters
pre-adultery mode, his
wife is rarely suspicious.
She might 'check up' on
him, by calling the land line
at his work place to see if
he's there so he can
'pick up milk on his way home'
or call the place the 'boys'
hang out or the club's meeting place with the same message.
If he is there, that is one thing.
If he isn't, that is another.
All the wife can prove is that he is not where he was supposed to be.
Where he is doesn't matter. .
The wife should say, when she sees him:
"Lot of Work?" or "How's Jack? " or "Anything good happen at the Club?"
If he lies, that is as good as a photograph.
If he tells the truth;
"Actually, I didn't work late. I got so fed up with this work late crap I played cards
in the parking lot with the guards..."
"I didn't reach Jack. Car got a flat, was towed, so fed up I sat in the diner and watched the match..."
"Went to Club, everyone was doing the 'late' thing so Phil and I had an impromptu meeting in the bar, and a couple of others joined us and we decided..."
Then suspicions can be placed on 'hold.'
See what happens next week.
If it's the same situation where he's not where he should be, say nothing.
See if he volunteers information. If he can give credible excuses as to why
he didn't work late, see the boys, go to the Club (and didn't come home),
he's actually admitting he's entered pre-adultery mode, and isn't going to
lie to raises suspicions too quickly.
Whether he has found someone, whether that someone is having sex with him or not, it is a matter of time. Many men 'waste' months pursuing females who don't want them or won't deal with a married man.
These men move on to another. They keep going until they find someone.
Right now, the husband in the example may have never touched another woman's hand since the day he was married. But that is because he has not been able to seduce anyone, yet.
The idea that a man is faithful, meets someone, gets emotionally involved accidentally, and then somehow winds up having an affair belongs with the Tooth Fairy.
This is NOT how it happens.
Married men who find themselves attracted to other women respond with aversion. Many men will not be alone with a particular woman they find attractive; 'just in case'.
It is not that 'out of a clear blue sky' that Miss Brown, the new secretary, and Married Mr. Green fall into bed. It is that over months a relationship has built up, and that instead of Mr. Green recognising the emotional attachment and transferring Miss Brown or limiting his access, he goes on and on and on until he gets her into bed.
Adultery doesn't just 'happen'.
Clothes don't fall off after transportation to a motel room. The process is long and intricate. And every step of the way the decision is made; 'yes, I will proceed.'
So when your husband moves into pre-adultery mode organise your life to respond to it when it is is not longer 'pre' but 'post'.