- Gender and Relationships
Recovering From Adultery
End of the World
When your spouse betrays you, it comes as close to death as you can get.
"My whole world is gone..."
"My life is over..."
"I have nothing to live for..."
These are often the remarks that drip from betrayed lips.
In a way, there is a death.
The death of who you thought you married.
That man who 'had to work late', or 'help a friend move', or go to the
game with Bob, is dead. He is dead, because the man standing before
you wasn't working late,or helping a friend, he was rolling on soiled sheets with Slutina.
Hence that man you trusted whom you believed, is dead.
Dead and replaced by someone else wearing his body.
This is the core of adultery.
Hence react to adultery as death. Mourn the man who 'died'.
To mourn the 'death' of the man you thought you married is not
melodramatics. It is a way to heal. It is a way to grieve for what
you lost, and put it aside.
Most women don't do this. They bounce from anger to hysteria, from
depression to thoughts of murder. They scream, cry, whimper, curse,
they are caught in a maelstrom of emotions, and nothing makes it better.
By avoiding that useless emotional tsunami and going for grief and
mourning, one actually is able to escape the pain easier, and with
The fact that a body resembling your husband is wandering around
as a memorial is not to remove the grief of death.
Let yourself feel the death, then with a clear head, decide what YOU are going to do.
Where Are You?
.Now it depends on where you are in life and what your life is, what
Let us be mercenary...if you can divorce him and get everything, go
If you are going to walk out in your stocking feet, unless you
are very young and the house is a wreckage, think before you act.
Get legal advice.
Many times women lose more than they bargained on with divorce. Don't
be one of them. As Ivana Trump said, 'Don't get mad, get everything.'
I can list cases in which hubby was ready to dump wifey for Slutina
and when Slutina finds out she is not getting the house, she dumps
You know that for a fact.
Consider the same number of lies he told you, he told her.
Hence Slutina is living in as much of a fallacy as you are.
Thinking she's getting the big house, the car, the property and learning
that everything she sees is virtually yours, often chases her faster than
Get legal advice and focus on your 'dead husbands' property.
What is Next?
Let us look at the situation.
He has betrayed you.
What do you want to do about it?
Some women launch affairs. They do the tit for tat adultery thing.
Some women consider they have carte blanche.
They can do anything they want.
They don't have to 'focus' or 'work' at their marriage, they can
focus on work. They can advance in their careers.
If he wants to have more affairs while you are on a business trip, well
he had affairs while you were home alone, so your position in the
universe has no bearing on his behaviour.
As your husband is dead you are virtually a widow, and so you can decide
if you want to get involved with this man who looks like your husband
The focus is on YOU.
Forget the 'staying together for the sake of...' that has never worked.
The kids know what is happening. Either they think you are an idiot, hate him, or play one parent against the other.
It is better to have a clean break and a reorganisation of the child's life than to drag through in a fraudulent imitation of a marriage.
If you can send the kids to stay with someone while you work out the new arrangements, do it. You might chose to live separate lives but remain under the same roof.
You might chose to leave him. He might run off with Slutina, there are many postulates. But the key point is making the best life for YOU.
When you deal with adultery as a kind of 'death' you readjust your life in a more beneficial manner. You don't ask; "What is wrong with me that he cheated?" You don't need details. Your husband is dead, and you pack up all those emotions that belonged to him, all that love and trust and pack it away, just as if he died.
The person in his body is a stranger. You don't know him. Keep him at arm's length. Decide what you want to do.
Say nothing about your plans, in fact, if he thinks you are 'adjusting' and 'will take him back' at some near future it is better for you.
Get legal advice, get proper counseling and make a 'Me' decision. Not a 'family' not a 'kids' but a Me.
Me decisions are the most important.
If you have to go away for a few days, do so.
Adultery destroys your world, It isn't a nose bleed. It needs to be understood, and dealt with in the most useful manner.