Relationship, Worth Keeping?
Yes, I believe any relationship worth working for. At least, this is what I think. And this is recommended by many people who understood that leaving a relationship is not always a good thing, but often is worse.
Why can it be worse, to leave a relationship which is bad and not a good thing?
- what we experience in a relationship we can experience in the next relationship
- current relationship may be saved
Of course, exceptions exists and we will detail later.
We repeat our behavior
We, people, have the habit of repeating the behavior.
Thus, when we leave a relationship in which we had a specific behavior (let's say criticism, trying to keep the control) and we don't become aware of the impact of our behavior, when we enter a new relationship, our behavior will be automatically the same, as we are get used to doing things in this way.
In this way, we can get the same kind of relationship as the previous one, and there many people which get into this kind of relationships loop, changing partners but not improving their life, by not changing their own behavior.
Why do we repeat our behavior?
This is because of how our mind works. Throughout the events in our life, we define in our mind a set o behaviors/actions, which were done in specific situations, and all this without the conscious mind to be aware.
These become our way of doing things.
And if we don't realize that this is automated, meaning that at some point we won't even be aware of what happens in our mind, but we will do exact same actions as in similar situations previously.
When we meet a situation, our brain tries to fit the current situation to an already known one, to help us.
Of course, the mind can be taught anything we want, but we have to be aware
- what is happening in specific moments
- what are we doing
- what are our thoughts
By becoming aware of our behavior, not leaving the brain in automatic mode, we can change the behavior to be the one we want. And of course, this will lead to having the behavior we want in a new relation.
Current relation may be saved
Yes, this is true. Many relationship can be saved if partners want this!
Of course, there is a relationship which won't work, but I don't want to insist on that.
For the relationship to be saved, partners need to invest time in building, rebuilding the relationship. Unfortunately, there are many people involved in the relationship and at some point they just say "I can't stay in this relationship anymore", reasoning that the partner is not good, sometimes even that they found a better person.
Why they can't stay in that relationship?
Most of the times, they let little things to gather between them and at some point they can't stand it anymore. In other cases, there are things which don't work, but partners don't look for relation to work, but they look for someone to blame.
Other would be the situation if we discuss each thing at its time, without generalization on other subjects, without bringing in discussion previous events, with the calm tone and looking for a solution not for arguing, without looking for someone to blame.
When we accept a situation as it is, as it has already happened and then we discuss it in detail without trying to prove we are right and partner is not, we can get a solution for that not to happen and then we can move on.
So, once a subject is closed and passed, it shouldn't be brought in discussion anymore later, as this will only increase the tension between partners. Also, the discussion should be about the behavior and not the partner as the behavior is wanted to be changed, not the partner!
I think that until you didn't try everything you can to make a relation work, it is not good to leave the relationship.
Why is good/recommended to do what you can?
As first we should consider that doing what we can, we realize wee are working for the relationship and this will make us feel good.
Also, the fact that we are doing something might get a partner involved into saving the relationship, as he/she might not observe that the relationship is not going in a good direction.
Of course, there is also the satisfaction when on each little thing done, and works as we intend or, at least, provides a new idea on what should be done, on what we could do.
Why would we get involved in a relationship, if you don't intend to keep it? If we do like this, it's only time lost and maybe by breaking up, you have also negative feelings. If we do what we can and the relationship doesn't work, at least, we did our best.
If we do too many break-ups in little time, we will get used to acting like this and if we don't become aware of why we break up, we will have this habit!
If we don't do our best to save the relationship, we might also get used to complaining about the partner (man, women) and discredit them and also that we have bad luck and if we have also some friends that confirm and keep the same tone in discussion with us, the depression caused by the lack of good relationship is there.
And if this happens for many times and many relationships, you enter in a loop from which we can hardly get out, as we have to become aware of what got us into that loop. And this wouldn't be bad if we felt well, but usually, we feel very bad about this aspect of life not working, as this is the basis for a happy life (not necessarily to have a relationship, but to have an optimistic attitude towards life).
Complaining for a long time, only makes us believe what we complain about.
And who benefits from this behavior? No one!
I think that a relation involves an amount of responsibility and is like a promise done to us to do what we can to have a nice relationship, that we would like it to work and give us pleasant moments.
Few advises for relationships
As in these times is a challenge to make the relationship work, because we have a lot of material for finding defects on partner and the conclusion of many of them is to leave, but few for helping the relationship.
The materials are helping to find some clues, but a good relationship doesn't depend on what a partner does or doesn't, but on the common will to make the relationship work. And what we find in that material is good in some situations, but anything we read/hear is a must to be interpreted by us, for our relationship (this apply for everything, not only relationships). Like this, we find if something is good for us or not and if we can apply or not.
If the partner does something in one day, it doesn't mean he/she wants to break up, but this can be because he/she had an awful day at work or a lot of other reasons. In cases like this, it is better to open discussion, eventually when a partner is in a good mood and clarify. If discussion doesn't clarify or partner avoid discussing there is a chance to have an issue in the relationship.
In this case, I think it is better to go to a couple counselor, which can find which is the issue, as in most of the cases there not only one issue, but many and not only one partner is to blame, but usually both.
Another thing which may influence the well-being in a relationship is what we read/see/hear about relationships. If we have in our environment only negative examples, we tend to do the same. This why is better to try to keep you own kind of relationship, of course, with hints from others, but anytime we want to do something, we should ask our self:
- Does this apply to us?
Communication also helps very much in a relationship. If we get to communicate in the relationship, we have a good start. Sometimes communication doesn't come so easy, but once we started it, it will improve in time, and all will work for the better.
And you can find more in:
Break up poll
What made you break up?
Any relationship worth's working. We need only involvement and patience, rest will come by themselves in time.
It is nice to work for a relationship and to make it work, both partners will feel good, when involved. We can even consider the bad times, as some lessons for ourselves, because a bad behavior from us or partner, means we have something to work on.
Also, some other ideas on relationships you can find: