- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Relationships...Honesty isn't the Best Policy
In relationships, there are
You are to be Honest.
You are encouraged to Share.
To have the all night confession.
This is not good advice.
In fact, considering your life, this might be very bad advice.
A lot of what you did, said, and were, is Not You any more.
Further, many of these Confessions lead to the end of a relationship. This happens because the other person is not able or willing or capable of imaging what preceded your actions why certain events occurred..
To explain, second by second is not going to lead to catharsis but to termination of the relationship.
You are at an airport, a bus
or train station, because you
have to get away.
You have to get away from the most horrific heart break.
You have nowhere to go, really, but you can't stay.
You are sitting at that airport, bus or
train station, trying to sort out your
life when someone sits near you.
You glance at that person and see, despite your pain, the same pain written on that stranger's face.
Somehow you say something or that person does, and a conversation starts
about now things.
In time you wind up in a relationship with that person.
You never say a word, nor hear one about the past. About why you were at that station, why the other was at that station.
It is as if everything that happened which tore your heart from your chest was left at that airport or station.
What happened is never said, never to be thought of, and never shared.
Do you Ever Share the Past?
The word Past means just that; a period which is gone. Something that happened and is over.
Not a current complication, not something that needs to be explained.
Something that happened, and is Over.
You fell insanely in love with someone you would have died for.
You invested every atom of your being.
Your entire world was the other person.
But it ended.
And now you are with this new person.
Is there anything that you need to say about that past relationship beyond: "Over?"
Think about someone telling you the deep intimate and emotional details of a past relationship. Telling you how much they loved the other person.
There is no way to avoid thinking: "If that other person hadn't ended the relationship, then I wouldn't be here. Does this person, whom I love, love me as much as the Other? Or am I second best? A surrogate, a make do?
So what do you expect that person you are with now to think if you dump the Past on them?
And What If?
Everyone has a past. Even if you're ten years old.
Look at that nice couple over there.
Both have jobs, both are thoroughly decent people.
Does he need to know that when she was 16 she got involved with a wild
crowd, got pregnant, her mother got her an abortion, she straightened
herself out and he met her years after?
Does she need to know that he got so drunk when he was 16 that he wound up in
some XXX sex situation, and it took him years to forget about it and move on?
What about the woman who was married, and hurt and spent a couple of years
with meaningless hookups so as not to ever feel so deeply again, and finally
got herself together, and decided to start afresh.
What about that man who spent his years having sex with anything that was passingly female and had the shock of his life when he thought he had AIDs, and because he was spared has become the most faithful man on the planet?
In the cases above you see the life changes these people have made. The start over, clean slate, changes. And one meets them when their slate is clean and falls in love. To learn the past would make this person 'a lie'.
The wonderful young lady one marries is now revealed to have been one of those street gals who has sex with whomever, got pregnant and got an abortion.
And you wonder: who is she really?
That sparkling man, is he really straight? Or is he suppressing his homosexual tendencies?
This Lady who used to be the Town Punch, this Guy who used to be the Village Ram; can you look at them with the same respect if you knew their past?
It is Not Lying
I don't remember the last time
I chewed bubble gum.
In fact, the only reason I think
of bubble gum is because I'm
chewing one of those breath
It is not lying not to mention the last time I chewed bubble gum, because I don't think about it.
You shouldn't be thinking about the past, you shouldn't be wallowing in all your faults and mistakes. If you do, you'll wind up in a psychiatric ward.
Because you close the door on your past you are not going to regurgitate it as if it is vital to insure the other person knows every fart you ever laid.
If you were married before or engaged or living together, you can toss it off with a shrug. During a babblethon when there's some rehash of the past drop it like a piece of popcorn. This makes it clear that it isn't important to you.
But those relationships which were devastating, don't share the details. Those terrible things you did back when, forget them. if they ever come up, (which 99.999% they won't) and if you are ever confronted, you can always say, "It isn't who I am. I forgot about it." And don't prolong any discussion.
In most cases, too much honesty is why your relationship ends.
When you meet some one, live in the moment. Now. Be here Now. Not reflecting on the last time you...and what you used to do...and how it used to be...but Now.
If you are here NOW dealing with Now, being here, the past is irrelevant. There is no need for a rehash. Only what will affect you NOW need be mentioned. If there's an Ex or child support to be paid, or if you have to report to the parole board, or if you have to go for dialysis, or if were Playmate of the Month or are wanted in three states...yes. That should be shared. But relationships that ended, events that will never happen again, feelings that died, don't need to be resurrected.