Rules of Engagement and Bar Dating...
Welcome to the Freak Show!
Now that I have finally convinced myself to say goodbye and let go for good of “the ex”, I am back in the dreadful scenario of the night life and dating game. I am quite not ready for, or better, I consciously decided to opt out of the online dating option because, after the last few internet experiences I have had, honestly I have realized that, if it oughta happen, I am not gonna search for it. If Mr. Right comes to me that’s great. But if he doesn’t, it’s just as great, as I have no expectations and I’m in no rush to find myself in the old, familiar loop of the dating misunderstandings and unfulfilled promises (Hey, I am not bitter, I am burnt; there IS a difference).
So, as I make my way through the joys of the nightlife shenanigans, I suddenly recognize that I have a whole new world to adapt to and get acquaintaned with, especially when it comes to the dating games. Now, I am frankly not one to like playing games with men. I don’t like it; I detest it; I don’t want it. To me it’s as easy as “I like you; I want to get to know you” or “I really don’t like you; go get lost”. And if the latter option is the preferred one, I will not lead you on. However, it appears that I actually have it ALL wrong. These California men (and the ones who move to California from all over the states too) have a whole new set of rules and fashions that are starting to make me feel like a fish out the bowl; a human on planet Mars; a black sheep in a herd of white, pasty goats. A fork among a bunch of spoons. I wonder if you get the idea… Anyways…I am still rather green about these new semi -dating circumstances, and I am learning to test the waters to discover the secret Da Vinci code to men’s subconscious methods of partner picking.
Now, I hear that men are pretty simple creatures (or that’s what they say). If you ask any of your men friends, that’s exactly what they’ll tell you too. It usually sounds like, “We’re eeeeeeeeeasy! If we like a girl, then we’ll be all over her and if we don’t, then we won’t call her”. Wait a minute, there cowboy! Not so fast, not so fast. I’m sure you mean well; yet you fail to tell it like it is. By now, I have a fair understanding that if a man likes you then he’ll show it to you openly. But at the same time, don’t you go around saying you got no games when it comes to dating, because that’s straight up BS. Here are some pearls of wisdom about nighttime men meeting and how decode guys’ brains I have had the “honor” to learn on my own skin in the past couple of weeks:
1. I was told that the average man will not call you the day after for the fear to appear too anxious and ruin his game in the early stage of it. Usually, if a man is truly into you, he will call you on day 2 or 3 after you first met. He wants you to feel excited when he calls, and he wants this excitement to build during his time of distance. He secretly wishes you to wonder, “Is he gonna call me, or not? How long should I wait? Should I call him instead?”; that makes him feel fulfilled, desired, on top of the game. I have actually read today that the call back time could vary from 2 days to 2 weeks, ladies. Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Two weeks? Are you kidding me? If a dude doesn’t call me after day 2, honestly, he is history to me; and not because I am haughty or superior to him, but because, quite frankly, if a guy is not interested enough to call me back almost right after we met, it is a huge turn off to me. Hey, the same way guys like the quest, girls like the chase. We like to be pursued. Now, in name of a guy we may really like, we MAY give up the being pursued part in the beginning; HOWEVER, that game will reveal to be boring and unworthy of our time in the long run. Guys, if you like the adventure, we’ll gladly give it to you; but don’t play it too cool or you’ll find yourself alone in the game.
2. Say NO to bartenders. I know they’re cute, and they got that big, heartwarming, charming smile. I know they give you those 3 minutes of undivided and exclusive attention as they ask you what your drink of choice for the night is and gently swipe your credit card, thanking you like you’ve just given them the most relaxing and enjoyable deep tissue massage; BUT, guys, it’s all a game. Majority of the money these peeps make is out of generous tips, and if they don’t act this way, they’re going home with Jack in their pocket (and not the one they are used to pour in your glass; rather the one that rhymes with “bit” or “thought”). So, even if you think Mr. Gorgeous is giving you the devilish smile because he secretly would like to get your phone number so that he can take you out on a lovely dinner when he’s not working, get out of that stream of thought. He secretly just wants to know how much money you make so that he can get an idea of the percentage you’re willing to drop in his tip bucket on the weekend. Plus, ladies, these guys see so many girls on a daily basis that he won’t even remember you an hour later, let alone what your name is.
3. Say NO to intoxicated men, please, just say NO. I can’t describe how entertaining it is to be the sober one in a bar, especially when men are in the approaching mood (and what better than liquid courage to smooth that edge that usually makes them too nervous to initiate a conversation?) AND drunk. You can see their eyes failing to stare you in the eyes, wandering frenetically around your upper body. Some of them, however, are very well concealed when inebriated, and they’ll swear to you they’re not drunk so many times that you may end up believing it in the end. For instance, take the story of this British macho I met last weekend; he was not handsome, but definitely the kind of charismatic guy who can pull it off with a lady. He entered the bar where I was dancing with my partner in crime/friend, and in less than five minutes, he was all over me, dancing, buying shots, complimenting my looks, ya-ta, ya-ta, ya-ta. When the bar got ready to close, he escorted me outside, and exchanged public network info with me. He would not stop staring at me and flirting with me the whole time. Then, he gives me the dreadful news: he just got married. Whaaaaaaaat?? I know it sounds like a Seinfeld episode, but it’s all nude and crude truth, people.“But I didn’t get married for love, just to get my American citizenship!”- He argued. “Wait, did you just say you’re married?”.End of the story. He waited for me to get in my cab, and then disappeared in the pile of game players of my life. Yesterday, as I was talking to my friend about him, she said he texted her lately and admitted to being wasted that night, even though he truly played a good game!
4. Please understand that exchanging numbers and contact info with a potential date means nothing, really. At this stage of the game there are so many options and avenues this event could take that putting your faith into some greater power that could have allowed you to meet the man of your life is not only foolish, but even counterproductive, I shall say. It’s kinda like going to an interview, if we should compare it to something. You are prepared; your confidence shines; you really are getting the feeling that the hiring manager is into you and is going to present you the job offer at any time now. Then HR sends you an email a couple of days after the interview has taken place. You are excited, your palms sweaty and your mouth dry. Your heart is beating out your chest. You know you’re gonna read the magic words in a few seconds and you’re almost too nervous to even open the email, but you do it anyways. You read the infamous words: we decided not to further the hiring process at this time, but your application has been saved in our files. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? But, but you said you liked me…And you had me coming back for a second interview…This scenario actually reminds me of what happened to me last night. Met this guy at a bar downtown while clubbing with my friend. I pointed at him while he was looking in my direction, and he decided to approach me. We danced very intimately; we had a good time; we spoke for a while. As he left with his friends, we exchanged contact info. I was a little skeptical about the eventuality of a further contact from him, YET he messaged me on the usual public network website tonight. We had exchanged a few messages, when he suddenly told me that, TO BE HONEST, he had met some girl from Chicago (we’re both from CA)at a wedding a couple of weeks ago, and he wanted to pursue her, even though he was not in a full relationship with her. “But we can be friends!”, he wrote. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? So, let me summarize this, you meet me, you dance with me so close that I can feel whatever it is in your pocket (hopefully a banana or car keys), you ask me for my public network info, you ask me for my number, you contact me in less than 24 hours, JUST to tell me you wanna tango with someone else? Why the whole effort then? Needless to say, I let the girl from Chicago have the job exclusively: who wants to work for such an idiot?
Well, to make this very long story short, ladies, just remember the saying “All that glitters is not gold”, as a matter of fact, it may not even be silver, and in majority of all cases it’s actually “shiny bullshit”. Please also understand that the advice I have just given is to apply primarily to bar/ clubs contests and that those are usually NOT the type of circumstances where you’ll meet Mr. Right, or the man of your dreams, or the man who’ll take you out to dinner and a movie…hell, you may not even meet Mr. Right Now at the club. Please, do yourself a favor; go to the bar just to dance and remain as sober as you can.
Jerry Seinfeld on the dating show and episode when he dates a woman who ends up being engaged...
- Seinfeld Scripts - The Seinfeld Chronicles
Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Seinfeld Chronicles. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes
© 2010 Roberta S