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SHE is just not that into you!

Updated on August 9, 2010

Why SHE is not calling you back

You know what I have noticed in these last few months of dating and relationships speculation? I have observed that majority of literature regarding dating advice and anecdotes for a successful dating life are destined to an audience made primarily of women, of us, poor, desperate, hopeless creatures involved in the constant quest for our better half, our knight in shiny armor, the piece of the puzzle that will finally complete the whole (look at self help dating books such as “He’s just not that into you”, “Why men marry bitches”, or “Make every man want you”). So are we, ladies, really the only victims to the system, the ones that are regularly let down, the ones staring at our phones night and day, flavoring the bitter juice of rejection and mixing it with Gray Goose on Friday nights? I DON’T THINK SO; and quite frankly, I am starting to get sick and tired about this depiction of us women as the weak and pathetic sex that cannot find accomplishment without a man’s approval. Does that make me a graduated bitch? Maybe. But, taking that into consideration, I know that I have given my share of no’s and dismissals to quite a few men out there in these past few months of rendezvous-engaging, and I know that we, as women, can be as picky and coldhearted when it comes to find our perfect match as these super -duper portrayed men out there that, apparently, are believed to be running the game. That’s why I wanted to post this blog in assistance to all those men who, day by day, approach this controversial and twisted dating world and who, sometimes, find themselves wondering why she hasn’t called back or, worse, why she has suddenly disappeared

10 Reasons why she is not calling you back or has vanished in the abyss of silent goodbyes.

1. She has noticed very little interest from you. Guys, I know that you and your buddies believe that the average woman wants to be given the run around of excuses and subterfuges, and wants to be kept waiting for you to call her because it makes the “game” more appealing and thrilling; BUT, that is true to a very little extent. You have to know that majority of women like to be pursued and want to receive a special treatment from you; therefore your weekly disappearances and your once a week calls are interpreted by a sane and self-respectful woman as, “Meh, he must really not like me all that much, let’s move on”. Personally, when I meet a man, I expect him to call me back within two days to be assured that he was actually really impressed by me. The thing is that, IF he doesn’t call me back within those two days, he’s pretty much out of the game. Neeeext! So, don’t make her wait too long before contacting her after you met, or you may be a minute or two too late.

2. You have a propensity not to listen to a damn thing she says, and instead keep on talking, and talking, and talking… What a turn-off guys! I feel like I cannot stress enough the importance of a pleasant, mutually entertaining conversation at the first stages of dating. This advice reminds me of my ex boyfriend somehow. Despite the fact that I still love the freaking living hell out of this guy, I cannot help but remembering how in our latest meet-ups he was so caught up with himself, and his work AND his plans, AND his problems to talk about nothing else than himself, and ask (therefore being interested) very little about my life. Now, I am a good listener, and I enjoy listening to people talking (is it any wonder I want to be a counselor?), but when you are just meeting a lady and you don’t really know her all that well, you truly need to show concern in her endeavors if you plan on seeing her a second time, or at least hope you will.

3. You used poor table manners. Guys, this is a must. I am not saying that you should be knowledgeable of all rules dictated by “Le Bon Ton”, but there are certain behaviors you oughta avoid at all costs when dining with a lady. Anecdote of mine: I went on my first date with a guy from Indiana, some criminologist that worked for the border patrol forces at the boundaries with Mexico. Cut-ish guy, very much from the country, grown on a farm, very thick accent. I thought he was cool until we started eating our meals. Guys, he chewed with his mouth open. I mean, not now and then; he totally chewed like ruminants do (which almost led me to wonder if he had a second digestive system hidden somewhere in his body at some point). Moral of the story, chew with your mouth shut and open it just to engage in compelling conversation, please. I ended up dodging his texts and phone calls like bullets after that date.

4. You were waaaay too nervous. Ok, this doesn’t mean you have to appear cocky and play the cool guy part. Be yourself, but be also aware that ladies love a man who is charismatic, self confident, and sure of his charm. I remember this guy I went on a date with years ago when I still lived in Connecticut. Very good looking man, actually; blonde, big blue eyes, perfect body (he had just gotten out of the Marine Corps), very nice impression at first. Then we started talking. Oh my god, the guy was nervous like his first day of kindergarten. He couldn’t stop shaking, and sweating, and rambling about nonsense. I think my state of complete disbelief and disgust was totally showing, so much that at some point, out of the blue, I told him I HAD to go. He asked me if I was alright and if I wanted him to escort me out of the restaurant we were in. I must have said no so fast that I was already out the door by the time my answer came through.

5. You always consume large amounts of alcohol in her presence. Look, we like drinking too and we like when you had a glass of wine, and you’re more relaxed and self-assured, even a bit funnier than usual, I would say. BUT, there is a big difference between that and you needing to be boozed all the time to let yourself go and be confident in your manhood (if you know what I mean). I used to date this guy not too long ago whom I found very physically attractive, after all. He was way younger than the guys I am used to dating (30 and above), but I thought he was awfully cute and in shape, so I let the age factor pass. After a couple of dates, I started to notice that, unless he was drinking alcohol, he never had the audacity to be intimate with me, intimate as in holding my hand or even holding me while watching a movie (let alone the “rest” of the wrongdoings, if ya know what I mean). I also observed, after a while, that he would insist in me drinking as well. Now, I don’t have a problem drinking, I actually love wine, but I do have a problem if a man needs to get moved by liquid courage in order to make a move. Things obviously didn’t go very far with that one, and the same will happen to you too if you don’t leave Jack home.

6. You always wanted to “hang out”. Women like exploring new places with a date, and they also like to be surprised by a man when it comes to dating. Occasionally we will meet you at your house, if we actually think you are worthy of that much consideration, but, trust me, we don’t want to be the “hangout bitches” ever. There is a major different between dating and hanging out at your place all the time. It’s not that we don’t enjoy spending time in an intimate place with you now and then, but if it becomes a habit, we get the idea that you are aiming at only ONE thing with us and that you have very little interest in showing yourself around with us. Spoil her at the beginning. Take her to that new Indian lounge, show her a good time, and she will be sure to show you a good time later too.

7. You talked about the ex, over and over again. Ugghhhhhh! Dreadful!!!! Hey, we have ex’s also, and they may still be a sensitive and acrimonious topic for us, but that doesn’t mean we are going to go around talking about them at every chance we get, especially with someone who has agreed to meet us because of a potential romantic interest! Now, I am not saying that, if in the “ex’s topic”, you can’t throw that random, lighthearted instance about how your ex couldn’t separate whites from colors every time she did laundry and ended up turning all your undershirts pink, but avoid adoring and contemplating the ex in front of your lady date at all costs. Actually, if you still feel that way about your ex, give me (and yourself) a favor, stay home and don’t date.

8. You gave her the impression that any woman will do for you. Very simply put: everybody wants to feel special. Ladies, in particular, love to feel like they were handpicked from the mass and carefully chosen to join you on a long longed for, intimate rendezvous. Break that spell and you’re going home alone tonight. In one of my previous blogs, “You, her, or anybody else” ( I talk about this topic in very specific details. Go check it out. But, usually, the rule of thumb is, “Do not appear desperate”. No woman wants a desperate man who is looking for “companionship” and someone to do things with. That’s what pals and mates are for. If you don’t have those, you are already worrying me.

9. You were too persisting and obsessed. This one can be tricky because it can be easily misinterpreted. As I said in one of my previous points, women love to be pursued. Personally, I hold the memories of my ex calling me 15 times a day and texting me when he was not calling me very dear to my heart; but there is also to say that he didn’t act that way right from the start, and was always very conscious and polite in asking me if he was being too adamant in his pursuit of my attention. The truth is that I adored this man, so he could have literally done and said some of the most disgusting things known to live human being and I would have still adored him just the same. Now, take this other clinical case; his name was Brian and he was a nuclear engineer in the US Navy. He was kinda cute, actually, but his behavior had something not too cute to say about him. Right from the very beginning of our getting-to-know-each-other stage, this guy was clearly obsessed. He would text me 1000 times a day (sending me a good morning beautiful text at 7AM! from the day after I gave him my number), call me if I didn’t answer his texts, and leave voicemail messages if I didn’t answer his calls. It was kinda creepy actually! We had arranged to meet at some very upscale restaurant on the beach in the beautiful city of San Diego, but by the time it came around to it, I was so freaked out by his pushiness that I invented some excuse to not show up on that Saturday night. Oh my, was he upset! He totally made a scene out of it (in the form of text messages) stating how weird it was that I had to suddenly break our plans, and that he felt like I would have done this all along. No shit Sherlock! Next time avoid stalking the lady and sending her texts at 7 o’clock in the morning to let her know how beautiful she is. Duh!

10. You can’t kiss. Brrrrrrr. Ugghhh. Yuck. Ewww. Sorry, still trying to recover from the memory of my last hideous make out session which occurred in May 2010. Three months and still going strong, the repugnance I mean. I think the only time before this one was in high school, but you know that in high school everything is cool and things like this can happen, right? However, when you are in your late 20’s or, worse, in your 30’s and nobody has ever let you know that the way you kiss make the ladies get goose bumps FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS, then you have a problem. I don’t know that people who can’t kiss are necessarily aware of the situation, that’s why this point can be tough to understand and digest, but, guys, if you have noticed that all your dates are suddenly fleeing at the end of the night, right after you’ve given them a good night smooch, and they are not calling you back, you may wanna look into this option. Just sayin’.


© 2010 Roberta S


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    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      7 years ago from California on the rocks

      Dear Dave, nice people still win the game. They may not win it on a daily basis, but nobody really does. I, for once, appreciate nice guys better than the over self confident ones. I actually don't even give a chance to that kind of guys anymore. The game is not always enticing, especially when you've been around the block one too many times. Hang in there. Miss shy girl who is going to appreciate you is right around the corner.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      If you read these suggestions, does mit not seem that

      there is an awfully fine lin e to walk to play this game?

      I realize that I am an "unworthy loser" ( no dates,

      no prom, the usual) , but I better become this "somebody

      else" guy if I want to play. I am a nice person, but does

      this seem fair? It sounds IMPOSSIBLE!

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      8 years ago from home


      Could it be .....experience or a lucky guess or have I dun it to...


    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Ahahahah!Thanks Tom!As usual, very insightful comments. I agree, it can be mind opening for some men who are either in denial or in the dark about how they act during a date. And guess how I know all these faux pas myself?...Errrrr....

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      8 years ago from home


      Say ir sista preach the word- I agree RH,#8 men have to realize that thats what happens ONCE YOUR MARRIED not

      1- my interest is always obvious because I told them what i was abouwhen your dating-



      Listening a females words can be more insightful than actions

      3.I always eat with my elbows off the table - to start

      4. I am a non-alcoholic person

      5.Not nervous type

      6.Never done that- i never drank alcohol EVER

      7. never a good idea unless she brings it up even then- be careful

      8,Not me, always-I can be persistant but in a good way seems to contradict with #9 but All depends-I guess.

      9.Play it cool, I try but I was not very good at it.

      10.I don't know but- I had alot of female freinds who told me how - but didn't show me how to Kiss..Good but bad-

      not that ypou asked but- i told- guess i'm too #9-ish. great hub should be put in a book on dating

      great hub very informative to us guyz.


    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Thanks Kristin, glad you liked. I was getting sick of being depicted as the gender that is always being submitted to men's judgement.We can judge too, ya know?:)

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Hi the Pink Umbrella!Thanks for reading!Number 6 refers to those men that, rather than going out and doing things, basically invite you to come over to their place 9 times out of 10 to "hang out".Now, what hang out in this contest means is "trying to have sex with you" while watching TV and getting you tipsy. Trust me, I like hanging out too, in the literal meaning of the expression, but this type of hangout refers to something different...

    • ilmdamaily profile image


      8 years ago from A forgotten corner of a dying empire. OK, it's Australia :-)

      Ha! I like this Roberta...number 10 especially:-)

      Very true! If you can be honest, interested, confident and able to express all that in a kiss, then you've got it made. It doesn't take much...just enjoy the moment and let the space between you dictate the pace...

      I don't "get" people who can't kiss...I mean there's worse things to practice in life isn't there?

      Guess i'll have to do my bit and help as many people as possible lol:-P

      Great work;-)

    • the pink umbrella profile image

      the pink umbrella 

      8 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me.

      this is a great hub. I dont agree with #6 though, as my idea of a great date is hanging out and talking or a nice walk, but all in all, yea, you pretty much summed it up!


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