'Secret Code Of Wives' Finally Decoded

I’m always in an intense state of confusion. Not because I do illegal drugs, abuse alcohol, or participate in mysterious rituals common to the native folk in the Amazon Jungle. It’s honestly due to the fact that I am a married man. That in itself should explain my frustrated condition.

I met my wife 36 years ago. And after a short time of dating and following engagement, we got married. But in all honesty, we have not had a perfect marriage by any means. I don’t know of anyone who has been given a perfect marriage to be honest with you. Our marriage has been interesting, adventurous, stormy (at times), but never boring. Neither of us knew what we were getting into when we said our “I do’s”. Going in we both knew that there would be that guaranteed time of learning about each other’s like’s and dislikes and what made each other happy, but I thought that this learning period would last only a year or two, not 36 years and still counting.

Granted, I am not a Rhodes Scholar. I graduated from Hamilton High School, Hamilton, Alabama, in 1972, with a “C” average and was proud of that mark. I didn’t attend college due to the fact that I had to get a job to help with my family’s bills. And besides, The University of Alabama’s Crimson Tide storied football team didn’t need my services. So I learned to be content working in mainstream America.

During my last week’s chore-duties in the house, a dark mystery surfaced in my thought processes. At first, it scared me for it resembled one of those modern-day vampires as seen in Twilight, but this mystery, although scary, didn’t bite me in the neck, but my memory banks. And what this mystery led me to discover made me feel stupid, without normal thought, senseless and oblivious to life around me for the rest of that day. I thought I was going to have to visit our local hospital--for my hands begin to shake, perspiration formed on my forehead, and I was speechless with fear.

What the mystery revealed to me is what all married men need to read. And memorize. The mystery is: “Why, when my wife and I were dating, I was able to easily-understand her every word, phrase, and question. Without any hint of confusion?” Can you answer that for me, married men? I tell you that I am in such a deep-level of depression mixed with obvious confusion, that I do not know what my next step will be. Therapy? Talk to a sociologist? Maybe visit a taxidermist? I don’t know.

For example: My wife and I would be touring along in my 1974 Plymouth Duster and she would say, “Hey, pull in here and we will have dinner.” And as soon as the last syllable left her lips, I was already in mid-turn making our way to the Billy’s Super Burger that she had spotted. What a perfect time. When a man and woman date. Doing what our Creator intended us to do. Find just the right mate, then later, marry and help populate the earth, but at this particular moment, we were chowing down on large double-cheeseburgers, fries, tater tots and two large Cokes. Great times. Life was, (I thought) good. Shows you how ignorant and blind that men can really be.

From Billy’s Super Burger through many dates that carried us to several movies, outdoor concerts, indoor concerts, tractor pulls, and arts and crafts festivals, I was seldom scratching my head in wonder at why my lovely then-date had just said. Talk about being on the same page. We lived on the same page--making perfect sense when we talked, sharing various creative ideas and stressing our personal viewpoints about politics, work, life, and religion. Pretty normal, huh? Just wait. The black curtain is just about ready to fall over my head.

Everything went smoothly leading up to our summer wedding. Everyone and everything worked so well that I was scared that I was dreaming. I remember well watching her walk down the aisle. “How blessed I am as a man,” I thought to myself. She was (and still is) very pretty, charming, easy-going and patient. I give her credit for all these wifely things. But in the instant that I said my “I do,” something must have happened. I have no other explanation. The channels of communication and understanding had been sabotaged by some mysterious force unknown to modern science. Actually, it was comparable to being kidnapped by foreign terrorists, brainwashed, and then taken back to be with my wife except I had no skills of hearing what she really said or meant and no ability to understand the simplest word that rolled off of her lips. I am sincere as a praying mantis with his next insect feast with this information.

This went on for years--me always misunderstanding what my wife said to me. And frankly, she has been severely-angry from my lack of understanding her verbal instructions and sentences that, to a normal-minded man who was not kidnapped by foreign terrorists, brainwashed and taken back to his wife, would be second-nature to understand her the first time she spoke. I know that she must have, (and still does) grown tired of the ‘huh’s’ and ‘what did you say, dear(s)?’ over the years, but I am maritially-challenged in the area of fully-knowing what my wife REALLY means by the things that she says. Am I talking to you, married men who are reading this?

I’m certain. Fully-persuaded that all married women, young and old, have studied a thing called, “The Secret Wife Code to Irritate Your Husband,” in an underground bunker located near Birmingham, Alabama. This strange course is taught by a divorcee named, “Crystal,” who married a sane man in Tampa, Florida in 1966, stayed married to him for three years and after subjecting, “Gene,” to her newly-designed female code to torment men, “Gene” begged “Crystal” for a merciful divorce. After she ‘took ‘Gene’ to the cleaners,’ he left bankrupt, without anything but the $125-dollar suit on his back that he bought at Tommy’s Big And Tall Shop, but so happy of being free of ‘Crystal,’ that he was clicking his heels together as he left the courthouse in Miami, Beach, where ‘Crystal’s’ aunt, ‘Bettsy,’ served as the presiding judge in their divorce trial. Imagine that.

“The Secret Wife Code to Irritate Your Husband,” is the point that I am finally making as the subject of my story. And you married men, please play close attention. The information that is contained in this story CAN and WILL make a man out of you. A relaxed man. A happy man who will never have to worry about divorce, $125-dollar suits from any Tommy’s Big and Tall Shop or appearing before ‘any’ judge “Bettsy’ in Miami, Florida.

‘The Secret Wide Code to Irritate Your Husband,” works like this:

A. I will write what your wife says to you.

B. what you think it means and

C. what it REALLY means. Understand?

A. “Honey, bring me ‘that’ screwdriver from that cabinet!

B. you think that your wife means the screwdriver in the lower cabinet

C. you get scorned for taking her the WRONG screwdriver from the WRONG cabinet.

(notice, your wife did NOT specify which cabinet, for you have many cabinets, and which screwdriver. You own many phillips head and regular screwdrivers.)What your wife was really saying (to irritate you) was, “I hope that dope can figure out that I am working on a mirror that has regular screws.”

A.”Honey, if I had, say, around $20-dollars, I could get my nails done tomorrow night.”

B. you think she is making conversation over dinner--that you bought.

C.what your wife is really saying is, "give me $20 plus dollars."

A. “Dear, do you mind if I go with my girlfriends from work to the new club Friday night?”

B. you think that the ‘club’ is just a place for men and women to congregate, talk, and have a few drinks.

C. What your wife is really saying is that she IS going to this male strip club that features role-playing by hot young guys in firemen, policemen and sailor uniforms and you should never ask where she is going for she’s a liberated woman. (Again, did you notice that your wife did NOT tell you about the males stripping and colorful, lust-sparking uniforms? You’d better wise up.

A. “Sugar, wasn’t this a lovely dinner that my best friend, “Millie,” made?”

B. you (ignorantly) think that your wife wants you to say something nice about homely “Millie.”

C. what your wife is really saying is, “Buddy, if you value your life, you had better not say anything nice about homely “Millie” for if you do, no more hot meals for you!”

A. “Do you think that our waitress is cute, dear?” “Be honest.”

B. you think that your wife is actually wanting an honest answer.

C. Your wife did NOT want you to be honest. She is really saying (in code) is for you to shun the very thought of the pretty waitress, age 21, single, long, blond hair, with bayou-blue eyes and long eyelashes. Your wife is ‘testing’ your ability to think fast. Remember this in the future for more tests will come. I can promise you that.

A. (After what YOU think) is a hot, love-making session in bed, your wife says, “Sorry for being ‘so fast,’ hun, it just happened. Hope it’s okay.”

B. you think that she is truly sorry for reaching climax in 22 seconds.

C. in “Secret Wife Code” she is really saying, “I am exhausted from work and I cannot cope with your (the husband) feeble attempt to be Fabio in bed.” Just nod, kiss her cheek and go to sleep.

A. (A classic), “Dear, does this skirt make my butt look fat?”

B. you again, make a foolish mistake in thinking that your wife wants an honest answer.

C. What your wife is saying in “Secret Wife Code", “He better not say ‘yes,’ or I will tack his worthless hide up on the side of our house.” Be smart. Say that she looks skinny in that skirt.

A. “Honey, did you bring my lipstick with you?” Your wife asks AFTER you two are miles down the road headed for a romantic get-away.

B. you think that she DIDN’T mean anything sign fact at all about her lipstick.

C. What she really means is, “You’re so scatter-brained that I have to give you these silly verbal tests to see if you even know where we are going.” In future trips, FIRST, pack her lipstick.

A. “Don’t you think that our son looks like me?”

B. you foolishly think that your wife is joking to be more jovial with you.

C. What your wife is really saying is, “He better agree with me for he (referring to YOU), looks like a gorilla with a massive hangover and diarrhea at the same time.” Agree with her QUICKLY.

A. “Does my mother bother you when she ‘visits’ for weeks at a time?”

B. Again, you are sucked into thinking that your wife really cares about your feelings.

C. What your wife is really saying is, “Hey, my mother is coming this weekend and not staying a few weeks, but three months and you better not say anything about it.” Have you heard of this term, “Suck it up”? If so, now is the time to forget this rude, brutal display of disrespect toward you.

Guard this valuable, marriage (and sanity) saving information with your life. Why not print this out and put this in your safe deposit box at your bank? No, your wife has access to that, so just run out right now to Staples, buy a 4 gig flash drive and download this article to this handy device for safe keeping.

I’m just trying to look out for you ‘married guys in the front line trenches,’ with this story.

What I am really saying is, “I’m trying to keep you confused married men’s behinds from getting put in a sling by not understanding what your wife is saying in “The Secret Wife Code to Irritate Your Husband.”

Trust me.