Seven Ways to Fail Magnificently on a Dating Site
Have you found love on a dating site?
It's well known that dating can be a pain, and that online dating can be a pain times two. But there are plenty of reasons why a person would turn to online dating... new in town, tired of the bar scene, and being homebound are just a few that come to mind.
But in order to succeed at something, you’ll have to do it right. If, however, you prefer to do it wrong, here are some easy ways to make that happen, from the first glance of your profile to the first date with that maybe-special someone.
Choose a bad profile name.
First things first.
Here are suggestions of obviously poor profile names, and if I need to explain why, perhaps you shouldn't be dating at all.
- Anything with a suggestive body part in it
- ANYTHING WITH ALL CAPS (See how annoying that is?)
But there’s more to choosing a profile name than simply avoiding the phrase “luvintheladeez” or "BeautifulDisaster". .
If you were thinking about showcasing your enjoyment of a certain tv show, keep thinking. Obviously, choosing a name with your favorite show or movie series will immediately identify you with it… but there are so many versions of profile names with Dr. Who, Sherlock, and The Big Bang Theory (just to name a few) that it ceases to be fun and clever and instead becomes tiresome for those of us looking.
Your expectation may be that other fans of those shows will single you out immediately, and find you cool, and that you two will enjoy never-ending, fabulous dates filled with tv-watching, in-depth discussions about the show, shopping for a cookie jar in the shape of the main character’s head and matching pajamas emblazoned with quotes from the show, and eventually carving a wedding cake in the likeness of the titular character. But there’s no guarantee that will happen, and anyone who doesn’t understand the special inside jokes will immediately discount you. Why? Because you have shared no other description about yourself other than that you like to watch one singular show.
Surely there are other facets to your personality besides “watcher of chosen program“, right? Is that really all you are? Do you truly not identify with anything else? Consider actually describing yourself in your profile name instead of taking the cheap way out… unless going against the grain doesn’t appeal to you, of course. (Hey, if you want to lump yourself in with a limited bunch of fans with whom you have nothing else in common, who am I to stop you? Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you get to their place and find all available space decorated with show-related merchandise.)
If you feel you absolutely cannot be described without mentioning a certain character or show, why not pick the most meaningful thing you can think of that describes you, and go from there?
May I suggest “bazinga_punk”?
Wear sunglasses in your main profile photo.
Never, ever wear sunglasses in your main shot, especially if you choose to boast in your profile about how your eyes are your best feature.
Why, you ask? Do you know what sunglasses in a main photo tells everyone who checks you out? That things got a bit out of hand last night and you’re not looking very good behind those shades.
So settle on a picture that your parents would be proud to show at their workplace (not shirtless, pants-free, in a bikini, making a duckface, or doing something questionable) and add it to your profile. No bathroom pics, if possible. And it is very possible.
Do upload some type of picture, though – the likelihood of you being contacted for dating fun and shenanigans is much higher if too actually put some effort into it. Also, make sure that pic is recent, and of you. Add a date to the description to round it out (I know I do!)
Lie like a rug.
Or like several rugs. Invent some big, fat, juicy lies to make you sound more appealing. For example:
- You have an athletic physique (add a couple of inches to your height while you’re at it)
- You received an education somewhere you didn’t
- You own a fleet of jets
- You come from a family of multi-millionaires
- You are not married (but you really are! Ha ha! They will never find out!)
Fact: the wilder the lie, the greater the chance you have to succeed at love. It’s been scientifically proven!
... before you find your prince.
No, it hasn’t. And people will find out. Just because you would like to own a fleet of jets or meant to go to the gym every day for a year to achieve a washboard stomach does not mean it actually happened. In other words, stop wasting people's time. Because if you do end up setting up a date with someone, they will take one look at you and realize you have lied.
As an example, let's compare your height to mine. I am 5’3” tall (5’3.5” with my hair done. Ahem.) You say you are 5’6”. If I stand next to you and tower over you by three inches while wearing my three-inch lady Docs, it doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that someone overestimated their height. The only thing you will have succeeded in doing is make me feel like an Amazon… and wonder what other falsehoods or "overestimations" you have shared.
Here’s a original idea -- don’t lie.
Be sure they measure up. Stanley sure does!
*Note: These are some of my requirements; yours may differ, although if you prefer dating illiterate, uninteresting, humorless persons many miles away with whom you have nothing else in common, go for it!
Reject all matches based on height.
As annoying as it can be to find out that someone "misquoted" their height, it is true that physical attributes shouldn't be your only criteria. However...
It may come as a shock, but your perfect match might be (gasp!) somewhat shorter than you, or not what you expected. So quit your bellyaching and attempt some correspondence with them if they pass your other, more important gauges of judgment – for example, matching goals, values, and/or interests; geographic desirability; sense of humor and intellect; the ability to write a sentence; etc.*
Speaking of writing a sentence, another easy way to fail on a dating site is to…
With opening statements like that, you'll never get a chance to practice your closers! And anyone who seeks an actual relationship (instead of a fling) is probably going to want to make sure you can carry on a regular conversation. So,
- Use proper grammar, or at least some punctuation
- Don't ask for advice unless you really want it
- Keep it short and sweet
- Don't give away too much information too soon. For example, don't bother boasting about your baby-making abilities... and that goes for both men and women.
Have a bad opening line.
There are good opening emails, and there are bad ones. Here are a couple of the bad opening emails I have received...er... seen (you know, as examples):
- “hi miss I will love to meet you for coffe and talk and what is your number and name or just call me thanks”
- “I can give you a kid. A baby girl”
- "how about we chat a little i am actually attempting to write a book myself .i could use some advice"
- "wow you are wow"
- Overtly provocative statements
- Very looong emails
Stay at a site for a short period of time.
Sure! Of course! No, that's not too little time. A week is definitely more than enough for you to find someone special!
By all means, it shouldn’t take any longer than that to find someone worthy of your attention and affection, your days and nights, your deep and abiding love for a true soulmate... you know, unless you have any decent sense of self and a modicum of patience.
So exercise your patience muscle, no matter how out of practice it may be. There's no need to give away the store.
Make your first date far too long.
So, congratulations! Despite all the rest of your floundering like a fish out of water (get it? Plenty of fish in the sea, and all that?), you’ve made it to the date phase!
Now be careful, because one more sure way to fail is to spend too much time with the person at the first meeting. Don't plan for too long of a first date.
Now go on, show that confident smile, and knock 'em dead... but not literally, because that would make for a really, really bad date.