ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Dating Site Failure: Don't Let This Be You!

Updated on September 1, 2017
theclevercat profile image

I have suffered through some terrible and hilarious dating and friend experiences, and came away with some advice that I'm happy to share.

If you're going to date online, be sure to dress the part.
If you're going to date online, be sure to dress the part. | Source

Have you found love on a dating site?

See results

It's well known that dating can be a pain, and that online dating can be a pain times two. But there are plenty of reasons why a person would turn to online dating... new in town, tired of the bar scene, and being homebound are just a few that come to mind.

But in order to succeed at something, you’ll have to do it right. If, however, you prefer to do it wrong, here are some easy ways to make that happen, from the first glance of your profile to the first date with that maybe-special someone.

Studboy, is that you?
Studboy, is that you? | Source

Choose a bad profile name.

First things first.

Here are suggestions of obviously poor profile names, and if I need to explain why, perhaps you shouldn't be dating at all.

  • Studboy
  • Yeahhhhhh
  • plznocrazyslol
  • ICantBelieveImDoingThis
  • Anything with a suggestive body part in it
  • ANYTHING WITH ALL CAPS (See how annoying that is?)

But there’s more to choosing a profile name than simply avoiding the phrase “luvintheladeez” or "BeautifulDisaster". .

If you were thinking about showcasing your enjoyment of a certain tv show, keep thinking. Obviously, choosing a name with your favorite show or movie series will immediately identify you with it… but there are so many versions of profile names with Dr. Who, Sherlock, and The Big Bang Theory (just to name a few) that it ceases to be fun and clever and instead becomes tiresome for those of us looking.

Your expectation may be that other fans of those shows will single you out immediately, and find you cool, and that you two will enjoy never-ending, fabulous dates filled with tv-watching, in-depth discussions about the show, shopping for a cookie jar in the shape of the main character’s head and matching pajamas emblazoned with quotes from the show, and eventually carving a wedding cake in the likeness of the titular character. But there’s no guarantee that will happen, and anyone who doesn’t understand the special inside jokes will immediately discount you. Why? Because you have shared no other description about yourself other than that you like to watch one singular show.

Surely there are other facets to your personality besides “watcher of chosen program“, right? Is that really all you are? Do you truly not identify with anything else? Consider actually describing yourself in your profile name instead of taking the cheap way out… unless going against the grain doesn’t appeal to you, of course. (Hey, if you want to lump yourself in with a limited bunch of fans with whom you have nothing else in common, who am I to stop you? Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you get to their place and find all available space decorated with show-related merchandise.)

If you feel you absolutely cannot be described without mentioning a certain character or show, why not pick the most meaningful thing you can think of that describes you, and go from there?

May I suggest “bazinga_punk”?

A true romantic, this man sees the world through heart-shaped glasses.
A true romantic, this man sees the world through heart-shaped glasses. | Source

Wear sunglasses in your main profile photo.

Never, ever wear sunglasses in your main shot, especially if you choose to boast in your profile about how your eyes are your best feature.

Why, you ask? Do you know what sunglasses in a main photo tells everyone who checks you out? That things got a bit out of hand last night and you’re not looking very good behind those shades.

Sunglasses + duckface = a typical online dating pic
Sunglasses + duckface = a typical online dating pic | Source

So settle on a picture that your parents would be proud to show at their workplace (not shirtless, pants-free, in a bikini, making a duckface, or doing something questionable) and add it to your profile. No bathroom pics, if possible. And it is very possible.

Do upload some type of picture, though – the likelihood of you being contacted for dating fun and shenanigans is much higher if too actually put some effort into it. Also, make sure that pic is recent, and of you. Add a date to the description to round it out (I know I do!)


Lie like a rug.

Or like several rugs. Invent some big, fat, juicy lies to make you sound more appealing. For example:

  • You have an athletic physique (add a couple of inches to your height while you’re at it)
  • You received an education somewhere you didn’t
  • You own a fleet of jets
  • You come from a family of multi-millionaires
  • You are not married (but you really are! Ha ha! They will never find out!)

Fact: the wilder the lie, the greater the chance you have to succeed at love. It’s been scientifically proven!

Dang you rugs! Why you gotta lie like that?
Dang you rugs! Why you gotta lie like that? | Source
You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs
You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs
... before you find your prince.

No, it hasn’t. And people will find out. Just because you would like to own a fleet of jets or meant to go to the gym every day for a year to achieve a washboard stomach does not mean it actually happened. In other words, stop wasting people's time. Because if you do end up setting up a date with someone, they will take one look at you and realize you have lied.

As an example, let's compare your height to mine. I am 5’3” tall (5’3.5” with my hair done. Ahem.) You say you are 5’6”. If I stand next to you and tower over you by three inches while wearing my three-inch lady Docs, it doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that someone overestimated their height. The only thing you will have succeeded in doing is make me feel like an Amazon… and wonder what other falsehoods or "overestimations" you have shared.

Here’s a original idea -- don’t lie.

STANLEY Tape Measure, Chrome, 25-Foot (33-425)
STANLEY Tape Measure, Chrome, 25-Foot (33-425)
Be sure they measure up. Stanley sure does!

*Note: These are some of my requirements; yours may differ, although if you prefer dating illiterate, uninteresting, humorless persons many miles away with whom you have nothing else in common, go for it!

Reject all matches based on height.

As annoying as it can be to find out that someone "misquoted" their height, it is true that physical attributes shouldn't be your only criteria. However...

It may come as a shock, but your perfect match might be (gasp!) somewhat shorter than you, or not what you expected. So quit your bellyaching and attempt some correspondence with them if they pass your other, more important gauges of judgment – for example, matching goals, values, and/or interests; geographic desirability; sense of humor and intellect; the ability to write a sentence; etc.*

Speaking of writing a sentence, another easy way to fail on a dating site is to…

"Hmmm... I wonder if 7000 words is too much for an introductory email."
"Hmmm... I wonder if 7000 words is too much for an introductory email." | Source

With opening statements like that, you'll never get a chance to practice your closers! And anyone who seeks an actual relationship (instead of a fling) is probably going to want to make sure you can carry on a regular conversation. So,

  • Use proper grammar, or at least some punctuation
  • Don't ask for advice unless you really want it
  • Keep it short and sweet
  • Don't give away too much information too soon. For example, don't bother boasting about your baby-making abilities... and that goes for both men and women.

Have a bad opening line.

There are good opening emails, and there are bad ones. Here are a couple of the bad opening emails I have seen (you know, as examples):

  • “hi miss I will love to meet you for coffe and talk and what is your number and name or just call me thanks”
  • “I can give you a kid. A baby girl”
  • "how about we chat a little i am actually attempting to write a book myself .i could use some advice"
  • "wow you are wow"
  • Overtly provocative statements
  • Very looong emails

The patience muscle.
The patience muscle. | Source

Stay at a site for a short period of time.

Sure! Of course! No, that's not too little time. A week is definitely more than enough for you to find someone special!

By all means, it shouldn’t take any longer than that to find someone worthy of your attention and affection, your days and nights, your deep and abiding love for a true soulmate... you know, unless you have any decent sense of self and a modicum of patience.

So exercise your patience muscle, no matter how out of practice it may be. There's no need to give away the store.

Let's see... aquarium, coffee, window shopping, dinner, dessert... is seven hours too long?
Let's see... aquarium, coffee, window shopping, dinner, dessert... is seven hours too long? | Source

Make your first date far too long.

So, congratulations! Despite all the rest of your floundering like a fish out of water (get it? Plenty of fish in the sea, and all that?), you’ve made it to the date phase!

Now be careful, because one more sure way to fail is to spend too much time with the person at the first meeting. Don't plan for too long of a first date.

Now go on, show that confident smile, and knock 'em dead... but not literally, because that would make for a really, really bad date.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)