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Sex and The Single Woman Over Forty

Updated on August 4, 2017

What Do Women Want?

Starting Over

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I know it sounds a little Candace Bushnell aka Carrie Bradshaw like, but this column is just me, a newly single woman over forty and starting over. And, believe me my female compadres, friends and kindred is definitely a new world out there on the dating scene. Take it from a woman who has been married twice for almost half of her adult life, it is scary, very tough and not like when we were younger and first dating....Therefore, I have a lot to say and I want your feedback, I need your feedback. Hopefully, together, we can navigate these "shark infested" waters together......

Sex and the Single Woman Over Forty

As women, why do we seem to choose the wrong men? The men that treat us badly, disappoint us and eventually break our hearts? Are we gluttons for punishment? Are we so use to being treated badly that we can't see the forest for the trees? And, when a good man does show up on our doorstep, on time and with flowers, do we, instead of taking it as a gesture of days past when chivalry was the rule rather than the exception, question his intentions?

Have we been so programmed by our past relationships that even when we finally do find a nice guy, we somehow still expect the "other shoe to drop" at any moment? And, why, when he continues to treat us kindly, do we eventually lose interest?

So, the question is....Why can't a normal, intelligent woman fall in love with a nice guy?

Perhaps it has nothing to do with whether the guy treats us good, is kind, attentive and is always there for us. Perhaps the real question is, "do we only want the men that ultimately don't want us"????? If this is true then, is it really only all about the chase???? If it is really only abut the chase then, does it apply to men as well as women???? Think about that for the moment and it becomes seriously mind boggling. Let's just say you are crazy about Bill and Bill is just okay with you because secretly he is head over heels for Lynda. So, he treats you badly, doesn't return your texts, e-mails or phone calls which only makes you want him more!!! On the other hand, he is bombarding Lynda with calls, texts, e-mails and flowers!!! Which in turn, makes him a "nice guy", to Lynda. But, Lynda is secretly in love with Barry who basically only calls her when he wants sex but otherwise ignores her and yet, Lynda is "mad" for Barry. If this equation or theory is true then think of the enormity of this situation? It is a wonder then that men and women ever get together!!!! Do we just eventually "wave the white flag", "throw in the towel" and just settle for less??? Does this mean we are marrying or living with someone we are not "mad, crazy, over the moon, can't see straight in love with"? It is just too much work, pressure or heartache to find "that one special person that we just can't live without"? Did we decide that that kind of love just doesn't exist for us or worse, doesn't exist at all????? And so, after an exhausting six months, two years, or five years where we gave it our best shot, and perhaps the best years of our lives, do we consciously decide to settle for less or does it just happen while we are down and defeated, just a quiet, subtle shift in our attitudes as we eventually decide it is okay to settle for less than that "fireworks, light up the night" feeling when you see the one you can't live without walk into a room? When do we give up our dream of Prince Charming and replace him with his not so charming, handsome or sexy cousin Dexter or, if you are a man, Matilda? And, questionable above all else is, "will these relationships last"?!


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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      I believe our society has always placed more value on things that are hard to come by. A lot of people feel that if they have to "earn or compete" for someone's love it is worth far more than if a guy or girl simply welcome them with open arms.

      We look down on anything we consider "easy". There's the old quote; "We ignore those who adore us and adore those who ignore us."

      When a woman proclaims; "I'm not a cheap date!" What she is really saying to a guy is you're going to have to dig deep into your pockets to hold my attention. Once again we assoicate cost or the number of hoops we have to jump through to determine the value of one's love. Honestly love and affection are things which are given freely. Both men and women make it harder on themselves by choosing to believe love should be a "challenge".

    • clark farley profile image

      clark farley 6 years ago

      Interesting Hub...suspect you are right, neither men nor women ever really change.

      In Wakefield Doctrine terms, mostly likely those cited in this Hub would be a roger (your 'Bill') a scott ('Barry') and a clark (Dexter, of course, lol)...true my interpretation is a little 'off the cuff' as your Hub is simply employing a set of names to illustrate a perception (of people) that you are trying to convey...however the types are suggestive of the personality types that comprise the Wakefield Doctrine...

    • profile image

      Duane 7 years ago

      I have walked away from relationships for last four years for this reson. Enough games! Just one person honest about their feelings and willing to commit to a real and fulfilling relationship.Ever have a "once in a lifetime" walk away because of lack of commitment or failure to try? Susan has it figured out!

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 7 years ago from Upstate New York

      It DOES sound to me like you need to find yourself first, before you find another man.

      Men are not the answer to most of life's problems if you're a woman; neither is a new girlfriend if you're a man.

    • profile image

      Susan 7 years ago


      Have you not moved on since your teens???

      Honey, you married men you were in love with at the time you married them. Unfortunately neither time nore people stay the same. We change, time goes by. Our mates change too. What once was wonderful and filled with passion , becomes to familiar , unexciting, perhaps boring.Couples either except this and become friends , or they move on.I think after time even Brad Pitt has gas, gets cranky,has bad breath in the morning, wants sex when you need sleep, or forgets his manners.I stayed married 34 years because I truly like being with Gene. Passion, lust, exciting, romance... HELL no.My advice to you is stop trying to figure it out and enjoy it. Every new person has something to offer. Trust your instincts. Good luck Cuz. Your beautiful, smart & healthy. Enjoy you & celebrate the day. Susan

    • profile image

      ????? 7 years ago

      You do have a point. I did find a man that stole my heart but he is not a bit interested and I did settle with someone that I am comfortable with but still sometimes want more. What do you do? I been with this guy for 14rs but I always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.