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Signs that a blind date is not "the one."

Updated on August 28, 2009

Hooked on phonics didn't help!!

Ever been set up on a blind date? Remember how giddy with excitement and optimistic you are that this guy (or girl) might be "the one?" Well, it's not always a perfect match. Sometimes your gut is right. Sometimes you just gotta' cut your losses and go home. FAST!

A college friend of mine was set up by another mutual friend. My friend, Sally (not her real name), is very bright. She was working on a Ph.D. in Finance at the age of 22. Seriously. Sally had a lot going for her. She was bright - cute - fun - and too nice to turn down the date. One night Sally agreed to go on a blind date (set up by another friend of ours). Sally's blind date, Fred (also not his real name), was pleased as punch to meet her. Apparently Fred didn't quite have the same educational background. Well, quite honestly, I don't think Fred had any educational background. But he couldn't believe his luck - I mean a Ph.D. student! Sally's first clue to get out fast was Fred's first statement to her... "I'm so glad you're smart and in college. I done gived up on "hooked on phonics" after my first wife left me." I'm not kidding. This happened. It took Sally a long time to forgive that friend!

I worked on campus at my alma mater. There was a really sweet girl who worked in the main office and she had a brother. He was single. I was single. You see where this is going... This sweet girl set me up with her brother, Bubba (not his real name). I knew Bubba was from a really small town, but Mississippi State IS in a small town, so I figured, why not??

I soon found out 'why not.'

Sweet girl, her husband, Bubba and I went out to eat and to the movies. We were seated at our table at Quincy's Steak House Steakhouse (no longer there). Bubba was buttering a roll... with his butter knife.He globbed a big chunk of butter on the roll. The butter melted quickly and started to drip down the roll... Bubba then LICKED the knife. The butter knife. All I could think was "gee, I'm sure glad there's not just one knife for the table." I really don't even remember any dinner conversation past that point. I couldn't get over the PUBLIC knife licking. Guess it's a good thing that knife didn't have a sharp blade. On second thought. . ..

We did finallyl make it to the movie. It was one of those "City Slickers" with Billy Crystal and Jack Palance. Bubba & I determined that we did, in fact, have something in common. We both liked football. I told Bubba I'd always been a Cowboys fan (which is true). Bubba told me that he couldn't believe the owner of that team - he sure didn't like that Jim Jones. All I could think was "give me some tropical punch kool aid!"

Somehow we survived the movie, and I really don't remember anything from the movie, other than Jon Lovitz. He's always hysterically funny.

Finally, the movie was over, I still hadn't had any kool-aid, and Bubba brought me home to my apartment. I gave the usual, "thanks for dinner & a movie, it was nice to meet you." Thought that would do it. Wrong. Bubba thought he'd earned a good night kiss. He leaned in, I turned my head & said "bye." Bubba probably got a mouthful of hairspray and curls, but he was going NOWHERE near my lips! I did an abrupt about-face. Went in my apartment and couldn't wait to tell this story.

I did have a not-so-blind-date, too. Somehow, the guy creeped me out. Once again, it was someone who I met when I worked on campus. Only, this guy kind of knew who I was. I had only heard about him. He asked me out - in the office where I worked - in front of the people I worked with. All I could manage to say was "bad hair day, bad nail day, can't go on a date tonight!" Kind of says it all. Didn't go on a date with said weird-o AND later he got in serious trouble for sexual harassment. Moral of this one: ALWAYS listen to your gut.

The only other blind date I had was only sort-of blind. We didn't know each other, but met as I was leaving the campus library, wearing a purple Fudpuckers shirt from a Fudpucker's somewhere in the Florida Panhandle... Oddly enough, somehow I'd worn the shirt backwards. You know, the big part with the huge pelican on it was on the front, the tiny Fudpuckers words were on my back. Guess I was so pumped about studying in the library, I didn't even pay attention to what I was wearing. This guy happened to notice my backwards shirt. Called me on it. Loudly. In the middle of the MSU Drill Field. We started talking & ended up with a dinner date. We met at a Mexican restaurant - pretty sure I wasn't even old enough to order a margarita at this point. Don't remember his name. Just remember that it was not the best date I've ever had.

Hmmm. . .. blind dates. Are a fabulous appetizer. They're made with dates. Dates stuffed with cream cheese, wrapped in bacon, secured with a toothpick, and then baked till the bacon is crispy. YUM! A hell of an appetizer, not necessarily a hell of a relationship finder. . ..


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