Single Christians Dating
Before I get into the meat of this topic I'd share what led up to my writing on Single Christian Women.
I was asked to speak to a group of Single Christian women. At first I did not think I was the right person to teach this class.
In part one I share the process wherein God showed me that He wanted me to impart a message to His precious single daughters.
God undertook and enveloped me with His peace. He guided my every step and gave confirmation of His leading. These beautiful Christian women were so gracious as they opened their hearts and shared their struggles with singleness.
The topic of Single Christian Questions is part two in a series on the Single Christian. In part one, I sought to lay a foundation by pointing out that all singles are not alike. To illustrate and apply truths to the unique struggles of singles I divided them into groups.
The titles of these groups come from knowing and loving the special singles in my life. There may be more and If you find you don't fit in any of the categories .. talk to me. :)
As you read I am hoping you will find some encouragement and hope. Father God loves His children and when we really get that it revolutionizes our life.
In part two we will take a closer look at each group and consider some Singles Questions.
The Christian Single:
- Looking and Longing
- Cinderella Complex
- Satisfied Single
- Gratified Growth
Looking and Longing
Questions Looking and Longing Singles Ask:
How do I fill the Lonely Ache in my Heart?
1. Recognize that I am never alone - Remind yourself that God is with you. If you are His kid, Jesus made some special promises to assure you of His commitment to you. He says in His word that He will never leave you or forsake you and that He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Loneliness will show up .. but if we turn to Him in our loneliness and vulnerability He will use it to draw us closer to Himself.
2. Reach Out - Reach out to others who are also lonely. When you reach out and listen to other women's stories it helps with perspective and also meets your need for companionship.
We are created for Community. We need each other! So many go to the place of isolation when they get hit with loneliness ...The only reason to go to isolation is to be alone with God and connect with Him ... then get busy connecting and applying the 'one another' verses in scripture. So many people need uplifting and the cool thing is that when we reach out to uplift another .. we too are uplifted. God did not create you to be an island unto yourself. It is God’s desire and nature to build community, so becoming community is in our spiritual DNA!
3. Why doesn’t God give me a man? Perhaps God wants to be your man first. “One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Matthew 22:37
- We must all learn contentment in singleness (meaning ourselves alone) whether we are married or single. Sooner or later God comes and demands first place … He wants our full surrender and complete devotion.
- Do we need to grow in our walk with God or in the area of trusting Him implicitly? Do you really trust that God has your best interests at heart.
- Are there area's in your life that need to be refined? We all bring baggage to a relationship. How much better to have dealt with your baggage while single. How much wiser is it to bring a complete and whole person to the man God gives you?
4. How long must I bear my burdens alone?
- Are you really alone? "Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 Jesus tells us to come to him and He will give us rest ... wonderful rest. Hang on to that truth when the burdens get heavy - Go to Him.
- "Be content with what you have; for He Himself has said, I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU," Hebrews 13:5 Married or single you are never alone. Jesus wants you to come to Him because He holds the answers to life and all of its mysteries.
5. Realize Many Marrieds are Lonely – Many singles have the thought that marriage will end their loneliness. Let me assure you that marriage will not complete you. In fact some of the loneliest women I have ever met are married – Their stories are heartbreaking. Imagine entering into your marriage with anticipation, joy and thanksgiving. You finally have your hopes and dreams fulfilled. You can't wait to begin your own home and family with your beloved. The future is just beginning with the love of your life and best friend.
Now imagine, after the marriage, the earth shattering experience of learning you've committed your life to:
- A man who worked so hard to impress you but now sits back and ignores you.
- A man who gets more excited about a football game or hunting than he does in spending time with you.
- A man who is Self centered and thinks the world revolves around him and his needs.
- A man who you learn is hooked on pornography and all sense of being his one and only woman is crushed. You feel rejected and forsaken
LONELY MARRIEDS MOURN:
A mourning period comes to these precious women after reality hits.
- They feel trapped (they know what God says: "What God has put together let no man put asunder.") They loose hope baffled and distraught by the man/woman they thought they knew.
- They are livid with their spouse ... they feel betrayed. They are angry at themselves for jumping into a lifelong commitment without allowing time to reveal what was inside his heart. These women beat themselves up for marrying someone who was not spiritually strong or maybe an unbeliever. They wish they could turn back the clock and this time listen to the counsel of godly friends who had expressed concern.
- Agonizing Regret floods their heart as they recall the red flags they ignored while dating.
After a long period of mourning most of these married women die emotionally. Some will withdraw and stay low .. off the radar .. they don't want anyone to know what a fool they have been. Others will learn that the only answer is to ‘move’ toward God.
True Story Sara's Agony
Sara was an idealistic young woman. Todd was immediately attracted to her radiant smile, tiny frame, kind heart and her deep commitment to God. Both were Christians. After they married Sara felt Todd moving away from her. She tried to engage him in conversation but he deliberately ignored her.
At first Sara thought Todd would snap out of it but after a long period of time; that did not happen. In fact he was going deeper into himself with each year. Sara felt abandoned, alone, neglected and rejected. One day she felt herself being sucked down down down into the quicksand of depression. Sara couldn't pull herself out of it. Her dreams and belief that God gave her a husband who would cherish and love her were dashed. She lost 20 lbs in a very short period of time. So grieved was she that she lost hope. .
Though she felt despondent and confused her deep love for Jesus sent her to the foot of the cross. As she spent time with Jesus, He filled her cup with his love. Sara eventually felt complete in Jesus. It didn't happen overnight but it absolutely did happen. Sara's mourning turned to JOY. A deeper Joy than she ever imagined.
Meanwhile Todd was observing the changes in Sara. Her radiance returned and Todd was more than curious to know what had happened. He actually felt perturbed because her focus was no longer on him. He began to wonder if she loved him.
Sara's journey with Jesus was so attractive that Todd eventually asked her what was going on. Sara told him how she was drawing near to God and that Jesus was giving her joy and contentment. He marveled at how Sara was visibly and internally changed and was captivated by her dignity and peace of mind.
As Todd studied the sweet calm and satisfaction in Sara's life, he too longed to have that peace. God drew Todd to himself through Sara's life. They now have a solid marriage - they enjoy fellowship with God and each other. Please note I did not say perfect .. there is no such thing as a perfect marriage .. but it is the marriage of two people committed to living their lives in obedience to God that brings about great satisfaction.
Sara's choice to turn to God resulted in her own heart being filled up and spilling over. God did not disappoint her. He healed their marriage and continues to teach them both about His faithfulness.
Most girls have grown up with the Cinderella Complex. We have believed there is one man in this world who will someday complete us. We dream about our wedding day and the happily ever after life we will live.
We are attentively checking out the opposite sex and longing to find the man of our dreams. You know … the knight in shining armor who shows up, whisks you into his arms and rights everything in your world.
The problem with this Complex is that it is not based on reality. When a couple enters into a covenant to one another there no room for fairy tale thinking.
Marriage requires selflessness, sacrifice, and unconditional love. Operating as a helpmeet to the man you committed your love to is very hard work. Cinderella's hopes and dreams are dashed when reality hits.
The questions posed:
- When will I meet him? Is this a question we can answer? Is it a question we can ask the Lord? We cannot answer this question because if you are waiting for God to give you a man of character .. that timing is in God's hands. The Lord tells us to bring everything to Him in prayer so you can ask Him anything.
- How will I know it is him? Stay close to Jesus. Be realistic but avoid being a perfectionist. There is NO perfect man .. we know this all too well because we are far from perfect. Open your eyes to discern and keep a close leash on your heart. When you put God first you will be so attractive to a man of God. He will see the joy and love of Jesus in you and be drawn to know you better. Jesus will be the bond that binds you to His heart.
The Satisfied Single is
- Content with the life they are presently living.
- The Godly Satisfied Single is pursuing Jesus. Their focus is on a relationship with the Lord and on becoming all that God created them to be. This single knows that to enter into marriage without being strong in Christ is to invite chaos into ones life.
- Some are called to be Single. I Corinthians 7:32-35 The Apostle Paul is teaching about the advantages of singleness. He says the one who does not marry has more time to serve the Lord. They do not have to worry about pleasing a spouse.
- Some Satisfied Singles don’t want to be bothered by having to think about another person.
The questions posed:
- Why is it everyone thinks you need a man to be complete? This single understands that being complete has nothing to do with any other person. Jesus completes him/her.
- Why won’t people hear me when I say I am satisfied and NOT looking? It’s a legitimate question. It’s worth being prepared to give an answer for the hope that is within you. Your testimony and Love for Jesus is powerful. Your life will make a statement about contentment in Jesus.
- I don't want to share my time with anyone else I am a completely satisfied single. Although God has called us to be satisfied He has not called us to be self consumed or selfish. A good heart walk will reveal a need to learn more of Him who gave His life that we might live.
Although I may long to have a partner, I choose to use my singleness as an opportunity to grow in Christ, develop my God given gifts, and increase in discernment and sensitivity to the promptings of the Spirit of God. Women who are gratified in their growth accept this period of their lives as ordained by God. They choose to glorify Him in their singleness
The questions posed:
- How do I Glorify God in my Singleness - · Definition - to Adore – love intensely listen carefully· Synonyms for GLORIFY- (As you read these synonyms evaluate your own heart and ask do I glorify God? Highlight the synonyms that alert you to a deficit - Ask God to help you to glorify Him with your life.) Synonyms: Admire, be crazy about, be gone on, be mad for, be nuts about, be serious about, be smitten with, be stuck on, be sweet on, be wild about, cherish, delight in, dig, dote on, esteem, exalt, fall for, flip over, go for, honor, idolize, prize, revere, reverence, treasure, venerate, worship.
- How can I serve God in my Singleness -I'll cover just two ways, though there are many avenues to be used of God as a a single?
- Respond to needs - most of us are regularly exposed to people in need. Some needs may seem little to you but an offer to help meet this 'little' need may be HUGE to the recipient. Babysitting children so a Mother can have break. HUGE to the mother and may be fun for you. As you relieve the Mother you have opportunity to sow kindness into her children's lives.
- Look for ways to serve in the Church. God has given each of His children a Spiritual Gift. If you don't know what that is, you need to find out. Use the gifts God has given you to serve in the Church.
Jesus Is Calling
Every single must learn what each child of God must learn. Jesus is Lord and He wants first place in our life. When He is truly first place He comes to you as the lover of your soul and fills every need like no one here on earth could ever do.
There is no one on earth who can complete you. Only a woman/man who has found completeness in Christ can say she/he is fully satisfied.
Now have I discouraged you all toward marriage? It is not my intent to put a damper on marriage after all God ordained it. He blesses those who bow before Him and recognize their need of Him. What I am hoping you take with you is
- The warnings and the reality checks.
- Determine that you will not walk into a life-long commitment without knowing it is God’s will.
Reconcile and chase after your relationship with the Lord. Just as Sara found strength and peace in the midst of her nightmare .. each one of us, whether single, married, divorced or widowed, will find answers to our hearts needs in Jesus Christ our Lord.
Jesus is Calling as He asks:
- Am the Lord of your Life? He tells us to present our bodies "a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God ... (Romans 12:1,2). Discipleship is total sacrifice, total transformation of self, total lifetime commitment. Jesus must take precedence over every thing else. When we realize what Jesus has done for us our hearts respond with surrender.
- Am I the King of Kings to you? "You shall have no other gods before me" Exodus 20:3. That means nothing must come before your devotion to God.
- Have I not promised I would I will never leave you or forsake you? Do you believe His promise or do you hold on to fear with a white knuckled grip?
- Do you know the depth of love I have for you? "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." He didn't wait until we cleaned up our act .. NO .. He gave up His ONLY son while we were yet in our sin to reconcile us to Himself .. What more could He give to show you how much He loves you?
- Can you trust me enough to give me your heart? "'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' If you are God's child He requires (you must) your devotion and trust.
Give Me Jesus
Draw Close To God
In conclusion let me draw your attention to the One who loves you most. “So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. James 4:7-8a NLT
In drawing close to God He imparts His attributes to you:
- Discernment - He will develop this gift as you spend time with Him in prayer and in study of His word.
- Love for God and graciousness toward others
- Transformation - As you renew your mind through scripture memory and time with God He will transform you from the inside out.
- A living testimony - Your life will be a living testimony of the grace and sufficiency of God. We once were lost but now we are found. People will see Jesus shine through you.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Bottom Line Jesus is calling each of us to wholehearted sold out devotion to Him and to His word. Will you Respond to Jesus calling.
Single Christian - Journey of Faith part 3
In Part Three of Single Christian we will examine some attributes and actions which will give us a solid foundation to be strong no matter the storms of life.