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Spousal Abuse Book Not Another Sarah by Sarah E. Southerland

Updated on September 3, 2011
Book, "Not Another Sarah"
Book, "Not Another Sarah"
Sarah E. Southerland
Sarah E. Southerland

"Not Another Sarah" a book about a survivor.

Not just another story about spousal abuse, the book "Not Another Sarah", by Sarah E. Southerland is an eye opening account of the first hand experiences of a survivor of serious spousal abuse.

The book is Sarah's story that takes the reader on a journey from the foundational point of the abuse to the ending point of the abuse, and all the process in between. It is a touching portrait of a woman who not only survives the ordeal but rises above her situation becoming a happy, successful, person who is attempting to help others by sharing with them what she herself experienced.

An abusive relationship could be seen from the dating and courtship stage.

At nineteen years old Sarah, far away from her home and family, recounts the feelings of loneliness and insecurity as she starts her first year at college. It is at this point in her life she meets a young man, William, who literally "sweeps her off her feet" from the moment they meet in class. After dating for two months, this whirlwind courtship ends with a sudden marriage. She tells of the signs that should have been recognized even then, if one only knew what to look for.

Looking back at the situation even in the dating stage of their relationship the signs of emotional abuse were visible. The abuser tries to diminish Sarah's self-esteem, her self-confidence, and increase her dependence upon him, through techniques of subtle manipulation, eventually isolating her from all her friends and family. He also insists on the relationship progressing faster than needful, telling her that he loves her so much that he couldn't bear to live without her one minute longer. All that becomes important are his thoughts, his feelings, and his ideas, leaving her with a hollow feeling.

Signs to look for in abusers:

  • Yells or screams.
  • Calls her bad names or criticizes her.
  • Humiliates or degrades her, at home or in public.
  • Ignores her when angry, "the silent treatment."
  • Neglects her or withholds things or information from her.
  • Forces her to do things she doesn't want to do.
  • Is jealous and possessive, isolates her from all others.
  • Lies to her and about her.
  • Threatens to commit suicide and or murder.
  • Threatens to hurt others, like pets, children, family members, etc.
  • Intimidates her.
  • Won't listen to or let her express her feelings and opinions.
  • Always has to be right.

"He loved me...so I did everything he asked me to do."

Sarah describes the situation, "William told me he loved me and thought I was beautiful, but asked me if I would wear a different coat and shoes. Then he asked me to cut my hair and wear the makeup he bought me. After awhile he picked out and bought all of my clothes because he said he wanted me to look my best. He told me how to walk, what to eat, and how to talk, and because I wanted to make him happy, I did everything he ever asked me to do-including dropping out of school. It wasn't long before I didn't look or act like myself at all."

Recognizing the "cycle of violence" or "cycle of abuse."

Although Sarah is married for only four months before she escapes her captivity, she is brutally abused both physically and sexually, to the point where she becomes fearful for her life.

She experiences the "cycle of abuse" as she witnesses the pattern or phases of 1) tension building phase; 2) an abusive incident; and 3) a honeymoon period.

In the tension building phase she describes the feeling of "walking on eggshells" wondering what will set off the next act of violence. Once the abuser exhibits his control over the victim by the use of violence, a period of weakness on the part of the abuser is often felt. This "honeymoon" period is one in which promises to "never do it again" are made or gifts are given to "make up" for the violent act, however like a honeymoon this period is short lived and the cycle starts again.

Depending on the length of time that the abuse is allowed to continue, the cycle periods become shorter and shorter or happen in more frequency.

Some signs to look for to recognize someone who might be being abused:

  • Suddenly changes her dress or appearance.
  • Avoids contact with friends or family.
  • Suddenly changes her behavior; stops doing things she once enjoyed.
  • Spends all of her free time with him.
  • Cries a lot over insignificant things; has trouble focusing on normal tasks.
  • Complains about her abuser but gets very defensive whenever someone else complains about him.
  • Believes she is the cause of the anger or violence.
  • Feels very guilty about the relationship.
  • Is very stressed, often with physical symptoms.
  • Accepts the violence or anger as normal or denies that it exists.
  • Panics when asked to make decisions or give her opinion, especially about the abuser.
  • Fears worse violence or even death if she leaves.
  • Holds on tightly to the "good times" and believes they represent who her abuser really is.

Sarah, Mom, Sweetheart

"Bad things will happen to you, but you always have the ability to choose a good life."
"Bad things will happen to you, but you always have the ability to choose a good life."

The abuse finally ends.

Finally Sarah gets out, "The last weekend we were together, he kept me as a prisoner in our room. I couldn't move, talk, or eat without his permission. Finally, after three days, he made me take the trash to the dumpster outside, and before he could stop me, I ran away. I had run away before, but he always found me and made me come back. This time I went to my parents' house and filed for divorce. I pressed charges against him and went to see a counselor. It took almost a year before he was convicted of abuse. That was almost ten years ago, and I haven't seen or talked to William since."

Have a "Personalized Safety Plan" in place.

Included in the book, along with her personal story of the entire process of abuse from beginning to end, is a workbook on what you can do to help yourself or help a loved one in an abusive relationship. Included in this workbook is a worksheet she calls a "Personalized Safety Plan." By filling out this worksheet even if you don't think you will need it, it can help you think ahead and protect yourself if it were to ever happen.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of her book help the NAS Foundation fight abuse.

This book was not only a great eye opening experience, but one that is uplifting and filled with hope. Sarah not only lives through the process of recovery, she triumphs over the obstacle she is faced with of forgiving her abuser. Sarah Sutherland is the creator of the NAS Foundation whose mission it is "to provide and promote Action Campaigns to improve Public Awareness of Healthy Relationships and Prevention of Abuse and Sexual Assault."

Sarah speaks about her reasons for writing the book.

"Healing from this abusive relationship has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I've had good counselors, wonderful friends, loving family, and a whole list of community services that have helped me to heal and become whole again. The best thing that I learned was that I'm never truly alone- even if it feels like I am. I know that I have the power within myself to make good choices and to lead a happy life. I know now what love is, and it isn't anything like what I had with William. Abuse lives because of silence. I was afraid to ask for help. The best way to stop abuse is to talk about it. The more you know about abuse, the more you can do to prevent it, get out of it, heal from it, and help others avoid it. You can help me make sure there is not another 'Sarah'."

With gratitude... I review this wonderful book.

Thank you Sarah, for sharing with others your positive road to happiness. Your book made me cry and made me feel peace at the same time. Truly only the healing effects of the Atonement of Jesus Christ could have made it possible for you to be made "whole" again, as you experienced the power of forgiving. This you pointed out beautifully in your account. I would recommend that this book be read by everyone.

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    • profile image

      'Bea" 

      8 years ago

      Dearest Sarah,

      I've 'stumbled' upon your site; But,I don't really believe in coincidences!!

      I plead w/ you for your prayers/advise; I believe I have a sister in trouble! But, when the family tries to get involved,

      'he' manipulates/convinces her, we're, "her family are the ones that don't care". She's believed his lies for 35 yrs. now!! He's unemployed due to"disability"-can't stand@ work(?) BUT, is able to travel to Vegas/NYC and walk to where ever he chooses to site see!!.... ( smell fishy to you,too?!)

      Well,enough of my ranting to you!....I know in my heart- God/prayer is the only thing that will change this whole evil mess!!

      Thanks! ;p

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Hi Sweetie Pie,

      If you love to read you will really enjoy this book. It is quickly captivating. Thanks for your comments.

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Donna,

      Thank you for reading and commenting. Sarah is a happy successful person, who has overcome this terrible abuse. I too congratulate her for her courage!

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 

      10 years ago from Southern California, USA

      I love to read and read book reviews, so I will definitely be checking this book out. Very good hub!

    • donnaleemason profile image

      donnaleemason 

      10 years ago from North Dakota, USA

      That was a great hub. Thank you for bringing it to everyone's attention. Good on Sarah for making the decision to leave and sticking to it.

      Donna

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      MoralsEthics

      Thank you for the compliment. I am glad that you visited.

    • MoralsEthics1960 profile image

      MoralsEthics1960 

      10 years ago from Florida

      Awesome Hub!

      You really opened my eyes

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      wellness5,

      Thank you for your interest and kind comments. Welcome to Hubpages.

    • wellness5 profile image

      wellness5 

      10 years ago from Fondi, Italy

      Excellent and thought provoking hub - thanks.

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Bocadike,

      I do think that all young women should read this book, and be familiar with the signs of abuse, even before you may experience it. I love how Sarah also includes a worksheet or "plan" to formulate if you are even in the position of suffering from abuse. It is a what to do in case scenario. It is a great book. Thanks for your comments.

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Shellz,

      Thank you for your comments. I too congratulate Sarah because she has overcome this terrible cycle of abuse in her life. Good luck as you progress ahead in your life changes. This is an awesome book as well as other on this page to help with this process. You can do it! Thanks again.

    • profile image

      Bocadike 

      10 years ago

      Thanks for the hub. It sounds like all young women need to read this book!

    • Shellz profile image

      Shellz 

      10 years ago from Chicago, IL

      Congrats to Sarah in her success in identifying and overcoming her cycles. I know all too well as I have been in that same position but am just in the beginning stages to my recovery, so I still have lots of coasters to ride.

      Thank you all for sharing and alerting everyone!

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Cosmogirl,

      I think you are right, she is amazing. I also think you are right, everyone needs to read her story. Thank you for reading it! I am certainly glad you did.

    • Cosmogirl profile image

      Cosmogirl 

      10 years ago from So Cal

      This woman is amazing and everyone needs to read her story.

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Jason,

      This book is an incredible story of an incredible lady. You are right, much too often the sad thing is that the abused simply stay in that spot. In Sarah's case if she did, she certainly wouldn't have been living to write the book. She is an example of life after abuse. It is a wonderful book to read. Thank you for your comments on all my Hubs.

    • In The Doghouse profile imageAUTHOR

      In The Doghouse 

      10 years ago from California

      Hi Mike,

      Thanks for reading and adding your comment. I am so grateful for your kind words. This is a wonderful book that a dear friend gave to me to read... you must read it too. I am waiting for you to publish again... anything coming soon?

    • Jason Stanley profile image

      Jason Stanley 

      10 years ago

      We are all deeply indebted to you for your review and Sarah for writing her story of ultimate success. Too many times women stay because they can't see the possibility of freedom. Hooray for you!

    • MikeJ profile image

      Mike Jones 

      10 years ago from Utah

      Reckon I had better read this book. Once again, you have given us another excellent hub. I was looking over your track record. I now know where to go whenever I feel the need to read something inspirational. Good work, please keep it up.

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