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Updated on June 19, 2016


In a world where fakes are coated to look real, where love comes under many guises, where the act of relationship is fraught with schemes and intrigues the search for real love is becoming arduous.

Despite this, in our heart we long to get that one person who will connect with our inner self, who will make the sun shine brighter, whose presence will dispel the gloomy of living. It is in our human nature to seek love and to communion with others and we truly want the real thing with a real person. And so, we most often search for that true and real love/ lover, that soul mate, better half to share our lives with.

Some search with understanding while some don’t and end up in an abusive and oppressive relationship. It is not enough to say you are searching for true love/lover. Before you set out for this search, you have to know exactly what it is you’re looking for.

Are you after real love or romantic love? Being able to distinguish between real love and romantic love is a tremendous help in the right direction. Real love is a feeling inside of you that you want to share with another person, romantic love is the feeling you have for someone based on superficial attraction. It’s only when you know what you’re after that you will know how and where to look for it.

And so, if your desire is to search for the real love, then you have to identify your search sites; like I wrote earlier, fisherman and fisher of men should use discretion in picking out where to cast their net. Do you fish in oceans, streams or puddles; where you cast your net depend on what you want to catch.

If you’re searching in clubs, churches, market places, village squares, social networks, chat sites, campuses etc. it’s your pick, most people find love in unusual places. Wherever you make your search site just be careful, the route to finding true love is strewed with boob traps and hidden pitfalls which can ensnare you.

Lastly, before the search starts, it has to begin with you searching yourself first, it is only when you find yourself that it will lead you to the path of finding the real love. Real love is not a phenomenon as such; rather it’s a natural flow from within your very being outwards to another person. Looking inside of yourself like I said earlier can help prepare you for the search; no one can understand your own mind more than yourself. It is you alone that knows your emotional needs.

If you know yourself, you will be able to know the kind of partner that is in tune with your inner projection, temperament and parameter.

Five guidelines to assist you in your search

1. BASIC VALUES: You have to identify and define your life’s core values. You have to know the principles that are guiding your life. Your likes and dislikes, the character traits you possess, what makes you happy and what saddens you, your outlooks on things and what is most important to you in life. Your values will determine your focus and attention; it will be a direction pointer and a compass in your search.

When you know and define your basic values then you will look for someone who shares the same basic values as you. There must be similarity of basic values, both of you must have to “speak the same language”, figuratively. There have to be unanimity of interests and outlooks. When somebody shares your values, ethics and aspirations, you feel connected to them. This connection is actually what real love is all about.

2. EMOTIONAL NEEDS. What are your needs emotionally, you have to understand and identify the thing that gives you fulfillment and satisfaction? What are your internal projections? What are the things you truly need to be happy and complete?

It is only when you can identify your emotional needs that you will be able to find somebody who will complement them. You’re in charge of your emotions, true happiness and real love cannot come from the outside, it has to be in you, so you only find someone who will harness these needs and not suppress them.

3. INTERNAL QUALITIES YOU POSSESS: what are the qualities you have in you? What are the good and bad sides of you? Are you a kind person, generous, cheerful, loving and outgoing? What are your potentials and vision in life? You have to be able to identify them.

Only when you know the qualities you possess that you will be able to search for someone who is willing to accept what you can offer. What you want to share with the person is what you have, what is in you. Real love is about sharing, and you can only share what you possess, what is in you, that which belongs to you.

So don’t go looking for someone who is not willing to accept what you have in you and don’t go looking for someone who will offer you what you are not willing to accept. It is only when you find someone who accepts who and what you are that true and real love will develop and flourish in the relationship.

4. IDENTIFY THE ATTRIBUTES YOU WANT: At least you must have a rough idea of what attributes you want from your potential mate, if not you’ll go on random sampling. But if you specify you want, it will enable you set boundaries.

It is necessary to identify the most important qualities an ideal partner must possess to complement your own in order to make you satisfied and fulfilled. But where there are no clear boundaries, you tend to go for superficiality. The person you assumed you like based on her looks and personality may not possess the important qualities you want in the long run.

However, bear it in mind that there is nothing like a perfect partner, everyone has flaws, so you have to choose someone whose flaws you can tolerate and whose qualities you will appreciate.

5. SEX SHOULDN’T COME FIRST: Sex is a trap and can circumscribe your search for real love. Most people are carried away by the exhilaration of sexual pleasure to the exclusion of other attributes. It is better not to be in a hurry for sexual consummation until you’re sure what you have is real love.

According to relationship experts, when you make love, during orgasm, one of the chemicals the body releases is a hormone called Oxytocin, this hormone binds you emotionally to your sex partner, and the effect of this hormone last up to 48 hours in a man and 14 days in a woman. When you act under the influence of this hormone, regrets may set in much latter when it wears off.

If real love and lasting relationship is what you’re after, then leave sex out and concentrate on building up the relationship and making sure your head is where your heart is

Finally, if you have been searching without finding, as some complained, it means either you’re searching in wrong places or with the wrong motives. All you have to do is to re-evaluate yourself and see what you’re not doing right or change your search engine.


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    • Ngozi Ebubedike profile imageAUTHOR

      Ngozi Ebubedike Ahumibe 

      2 years ago from Lagos, Nigeria

      @dashingscorpio, I always view your comments as an additional inputs to my writings. This is very illuminating as well, thanks.

      If people stop blaming the other person when they make mistake of choice, then they will have a better chance of correcting their mistake next time.

      Yes "real love" is what people believe it to be for them, however, when a person is swept away by emotion rather than intrinsic values, that relationship will not have a strong root to grow and flourish.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      2 years ago

      "Real love is a feeling inside of you that you want to share with another person, romantic love is the feeling you have for someone based on superficial attraction. It’s only when you know what you’re after that you will know how and where to look for it."

      In all honesty I believe each person defines what "real love" is to them. Everyone has their own "litmus test" that reads:

      "If you loved me you would....etc"

      The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things and last but not least there is a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      Therefore as you mentioned a person has to first of know what they want and need in a mate. Too many folks allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices.

      That's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

      If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a "better shopper".

      I think there are 4 steps in my opinion for finding an ideal mate.

      1. Become a "me" expert.

      In other words figure out yourself first and determine your wants/needs.

      2. Make a list of the qualities you want in an ideal mate and be as granular as possible. What type of education, profession, hobbies, where they might live suburbs or city, work out in a gym or not, attend church, dine at...etc

      3. Transference (Put yourself in your "ideal mate's" shoes.

      Ask yourself if you were him/her would you want you?

      Making lists are easy to do but you have to get real with yourself when it comes to acknowledging whether you have the traits (you) believe someone like her/him would want in (their) mate. If you don't have them then you need to go about cultivating them.

      4. Be there!

      In order to meet the kind of people you want to meet you have to run in their same circles! Otherwise you're relying on luck or chance.

      The law of attraction does not replace the law of action!

      If someone was truly granular in step 2 they probably have a good head start on places to be and socialize where people they consider to be ideal congregate. You might consider trying a hobby/interest site.

      If you want something different (you) have to do something different!

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      It's also important to have the self-discipline to stick to (your) list.

      The world may not owe you anything but (you) owe yourself the world!

      One man's opinion!:)


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