Healing From Abandonment: The Firecracker Woman

There was a girl who was very sweet and kind. She laughted a lot, liked to lend a hand to others, & trusted those she became close to. She also wore her feelings on her shoulder. Although she was all these positive things, she really didn't have any confidence in herself. On the outside she was funny & goofy, but on the inside, she felt inadequate & afraid. She never felt like she measured up to the other girls who always made her feel inferior. Even though she had a big heart & was always a better friend to others than they were to her, she always felt like she wasn't good enough.

A lot of demoralizing things happened to the girl while she was growing up. But she remained steadfast & true to others whom she thought were friends, until they eventually turned against her or disappeared from her life with no explanation. She wondered what was wrong with her to make the people she liked reject her.

So she began acting out in negative ways to express her hurt, anger, disappointment, confusion, and sadness. By the time she was a grown woman, she'd done just about everything a girl could do to make herself feel & look like trash. She often thought, "I'm made to feel like trash so I'll act like it....."

Once she was near adulthood, the girl met many false Prince's in shining armour who made lots of promises, but never came through with any of them. Still keeping a trusting heart, she believed many things that each potential "prince" told her. But it seemed she always ended up alone again, decieved, manipulated, & used. She continued the pattern of feeling unworthy & inadequate.

Many years passed as the girl grew into a mature woman. She'd had many relationships with different "prince's", mostly bad, but she eventually found one she thought was going to love her the way she longed to be loved. She had children of her own & was married, but she was still unhappy & unsure of herself. And, as usual, she was trusting & giving to her mate.

The girl who turned into a woman was burning a very long fuse. She'd had so many disappointments & let-down's that she was getting really defiant & angry inside. It filled her like gunpowder in a firecracker. The fuse was burning closer & closer to the gunpowder, yet it remained wrapped tightly inside her. She held it in for a long time. She knew she was getting ready to pop, loudly, yet there wasn't anything she cared to do about it. She was really tired of being treated like she was nothing.

The woman became very fragile, clinging to every word of hope sent her way. Her marriage ended & broken relationships followed, all ending the same way. Each "prince" would tell her how wonderful she was, how much they cared for her, while she kept her wall intact. When she finally let her wall down to accept & receive what the 'prince' said they wanted to give, they were gone, with no explanation. The woman was very hurt. The sadness grew & grew until it overwhelmed her. Yet she never let the gunpowder within her fully ignite & explode. She knew it was coming, but kept it locked back. Years passed.....she finally began to come out of her shell & accept each "prince" for what they really were: just manipulators.

She recovered & went on with her life, letting the fuse slowly ignite in sections, occasionlly allowing the firecracker within to experience small 'pops'. Her fuse was burning on & off now, but the firecracker within her had not fully exploded. She found love, companionship, difficulty, commitment; then disappointment & disillusionment. Her firecracker fuse went out again, until suddenly, another false prince arrived baring an imitated sense of satisfaction.

This prince was different. He understood her completely, knew exactly what she'd been through, knew exactly what to say, & offered undying support for her. He took her to a place she'd never been before, he'd been there many times, though the woman didn't know it. She felt a flicker of a spark ignite the fuse....at the same time, a flash of red lights saying 'STOP', yet she ignored it. The fuse was lit, it ignited & began a slow, steady burn toward the old gunpowder. Oddly enough, the false prince called her 'a firecracker', recognizing her spark for reaction & quit wit, as well as buried anger. He played with the fuse, giving it oxygen at intervals to keep it burning, then retreating with just enough air to keep it lit, yet not enough to make it complete the journey to the end of the fuse. He gave her fuse just enough to sustain the journey, but never enough to complete it. She stayed on an emotional roller coaster of extreme highs, then suddenly bottoming out with doubt & the same insecurity that had always plagued her. Then, finally, the fuse burned quick & fast, sparking, fueled by sudden realization & another sense of loss.  Because, like all the others, he was gone. 

And then the firecracker popped.

The fuse lit up, burning fast & furiously, fueled by a surge of Anger Oxygen to lead it to it's final destination. It ended at the firecracker......the old gunpowder within caught, ignited, & blew in a flash! It exploded outward in memories of pain, sadness, anger, fear, hurt, tears, shame, guilt, humilitation, & relief. She was enraged! She fought with herself, beat herself up, & blamed herself......but then, something happened. She directed her rage, not inward like before (with hurt, sadness, & depression), but outward at last.... toward the inflictor of the pain. The woman was stunned. She felt weak & empty, yet fulfilled. Though she knew her longing might have eventually led to more disappointment, she felt the stinging blow; the same loss of air she'd experienced so many times before. Then her eyes opened wide. She saw the Prince standing there, with the past prince's behind him. She was standing outside the ring, they were inside. She looked at him & saw nothing in him.... no emotion, no care, no compassion for her. And she accepted it, she held it close, she felt it for what it was. And she let it go, along with each prince before. She turned & walked away without looking back.

The woman was now filled with fresh, new gunpowder, tightly packed within the firecracker inside her. It smelled new, clean. Her fuse was new also. Clean & ready to be lit. Only this time there was a difference. There was no old gunpowder residue left. It was burned up & gone forever. She smiled to herself with the realization that she held the oxygen tank for the fire now, not some false Prince wearing a charming smile. She knew that when the new firecracker was lit & fueled by the oxygen, it would be controlled by herself. And when it blows, the pop will be a resounding, loud bang, with no permanent damage. No more bad fuses or old gunpowder for her, just a fresh, wholesome newness from within.

After all, once a Firecracker Woman, always a firecracker woman! The blow is different now.