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The "Joys" of Online Dating

Updated on August 23, 2010

Back to dating. Easier said than done, my friends. Despite my reluctance to going back to the dating pool, I gave in and decided to join a dating website a few weeks ago. So far, a complete disaster, but I admit that I may partially be one of the reasons why the most recent experiences have been a flop. So, why going back to the dating jungle? Well, under the “pressure” of some dear friends’ suggestions to move on (more like, damn it, just meet the flipping guy and then you can bitch and moan about it later), I decided to fight my own unwillingness to meet other potential mates and…Here I am. Before I go ahead with my most recent escapades’ accounts, I should, however, make a premise. I am NOT the dating type, meaning that I somehow thrive in my singleness and feel much fulfilled on my own. I actually enjoy solitude, unlike the majority of people I know, I love the feeling of self-government, the power to decide where to go, when to go, how to go, and when I decide to actually date somebody is only because I truly feel like this person may be an asset to my life and my inner completeness. Perhaps you could compare me to a lion: free, strong, takes pleasure in seclusion and in being the king of his own reign; nonetheless, he only truly flourishes with the right companion, the one that can help him conquer new territories and explore new realities. When he finds that special partner in crime, he is faithful and dedicated for life…until shit hits the fan, of course.

Anyways, back to my “lovely” accounts…I went on a date this past Friday with a guy I had been talking to for several weeks. He really sounded interesting all in all and, men, was he courting me fiercely! He is of Hispanic heritage, so it is to be expected that courting is part of his dating style, and, honestly, I don’t mind it because in this particular stage of my life, I really need a man to show genuine interest in order to let my guard down. We decided to meet at a fabulous wine bar on the beach in Coronado, rather fancy and impressive I should say. As I got there, I could not spot him around. Then, as I was texting, I suddenly heard a voice behind me saying, “Wanna dance? This is my favorite song”-Uha-Uhaaaaaaa (Debbie Downer’s sound effect)- As I looked down, I saw a man who was about 3 inches shorter than me (wearing heels) and whose torso’s was about as wide as a 15 year old boy's… Double jagged bitter pill to swallow out of the blue. Not only was he not 5.10 as his profile stated, he hadn’t even said “Hello, nice to meet you” yet when he kindly proposed me to dance to the notes of a song I can’t even remember I was so flustered. I had to respectfully decline, but he insisted, and I declined again. We finally sat at a table and started talking.

After a while, I started feeling a bit more at ease. He was surely a very nice and upbeat person, maybe a little too upbeat for me, as he didn’t refrain to point out how “mellow” I was instead. Dude, at first the guy was so agitated and zealous in the way he expressed himself that he might as well have been dancing a Samba while talking to me. Eventually that edge got smoothed thanks to the wines we started savoring, but damn, he was all over the place for the first half hour. After” wining and dining” we took a walk on the beach. The atmosphere was really magic out there, the moon shining bright on the sand and the waves crushing hard on the shore; beautiful. I took my heels off to walk on the sand and hoped that the height discrepancy would wear off a bit at least. Nope, still about an inch taller…I take it the whole scenario would have been romantic in other circumstances, but in this particular one, it was actually a little awkward. About 10 minutes into the walk and in front of the ocean, I told my date I was cold, but actually, I wasn’t (it was like 69 degrees); people, I come from Connecticut where it’s 35 degrees all year round (well, maybe not that bad, but still); nonetheless my date bought it and that’s all that matters. To make a long story short, the date ended with my charming “smurfito” taking me back to my car and a promise to hang out again sometimes. Now, to be fair, this guy was a real a gentleman, an outstanding listener, and an absolutely lovely date; however, for dating purposes, there will not be a second a date, unfortunately.

I have not been on other dates lately (thank God!), but as for funny stories, I sure have a few. How about the guy who shied away because of my Christian views on life and my outspoken faith in God? And what about the guy whom I reverently declined to know and responded back with some racial slurs on my “whiteness” and me being a “fake f*ck” (actual words) who puts up retouched pictures (pictures I actually had taken by my daughter with an elementary Sony Cyber-shot DSC-W290)? Men, that reminds me I should learn how to retouch pictures maybe, not sure for what purpose however. Oh, oh, and we can’t forget about the guy who wrote me to admit that, even though he wasn’t over his ex, it’d be nice to have casual sex here and there a few times per month. And last, but not of less worthy of the freak show award, the guy with the psycho stalker ex. Very nice guy, absolutely respectful and very kind, but things didn’t proceed to an actual date due to my lack of attraction towards him. We started messaging and chatting online for about a week; then I withdrew to avoid giving him false hopes (it’s just cruel to lead on a guy when you KNOW you are not going to date him, ladies). After having dodged texts and chat requests like a pro, he finally sent me a message that read about like this: “Are you avoiding me because of my ex? She said you guys talked, and I was just wondering if she told you something bad about me. You see, she is crazy and that’s why we are not together anymore. I hope she didn’t ruin our chance to meet each other”. As I read these words, images and memories came undone. I finally understood who the chick from Poway who had been checking my profile about 10 times a day 7 days a week was and I shivered inside. Oh the drama! I had never talked to this person, nor was I aware of any of the drama going on between the two, but suddenly, there I was, somehow obstructing somebody else’s interest for a guy I never even met…The joys of online dating.

My reluctance for dating in general has now grown to levels that I may not even be capable of fathoming anymore. On a scale of 1 to 10 my interest in dating right now is about -156. I am not quite sure why God is being so adamant in making me meet all these wrong guys, I suppose He’s trying to send me a clear message that would approximately sound like this: “I have chosen you to be My Messiah. You will not re-marry, my child. In fact, I will get you so disgusted with men, that you will soon consider locking yourself up in a monastery for the rest of your life and preach to the sinners about the come back of My son Jesus Christ for the year 2012”. Now, I just have to keep an eye out for my angel Gabriel and sit back and relax while the prophecy comes true. May I at least enjoy a bottle of brachetto while I wait? Amen.

© 2010 Roberta S


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