- Gender and Relationships
The Other Woman? What Do You Think?
Email Received, My Advice Requested
I am open to offering relationship advice to anyone who's asking.
I received the email below through Hubpages. It's a tad hard to read through but I managed, and I offered my conclusions, my insights, and my advice.
What do you think? I'd like to know.
"I have a friend who has been married to their "highschool sweetheart"
for around 18 years now. They were each others "first" everything. They
do have a 10 year old daughter. In my best effort to make a long story
short, about 3 1/2 years ago, my friend found out that their mate had
been having a secret affair for 2 years or so. Once the affair was
exposed, my friends mate admitted being "in love" with the person they
were cheating with. My friend was, of course, devastated and tried
presenting divorce papers several times and they were ripped up and
thrown in their face. My friend kicked their mate out-and after about 8
months of physically watching their cheating mate with their lover
(putting themselves through HELL) began persuing another (unmarried)
friend of mine. These
two people are ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for each other. They fell madly in
love almost instantly, it seemed - my friend said "like nothing I've
ever experienced in my life!! In every way. They just love being with
each other - sex is just a bonus." Anyways, a few months into their
relationship, the cheater returned saying that their lover was gay -
what a total joke. My still married friend let the cheater come back
into the home without knowing why other than the child- afterward they
said they never should have let them return. Since then, about 1 year
into their relationship, my unmarried friend has found out some very
tragic news (health related) and shared it with the married friend -
The married friend became very distant for about 2 weeks or so - then
was bold faced asked if they "loved - were in love with" the unmarried
friend anymore and the reply was YES almost before the question was
completely asked - since then, they have not been seeing each other
privately for about 6
months now) but the married friend still offers signs of feelings for
the unmarried friend like winks, soft touches, hugs and a couple of
kisses from time to time - the most recent being about 6 days ago when
they said they missed each other by text. My unmarried friend is not a
cheater or homewrecker by any means and has tried to give the space
necessary with hopes that things will work out so they can be together
- The unmarried friend has had it pretty rough relationship wise and
took a HUGE chance by placing the heart "out there" again. Now, they
see each other every single day (work). Sometimes they act like the
other is just another person but my unmarried friend is really having a
diffecult time - being so madly in love with the married person and
dealing with the health issue - Cry daily especially after seeing each
other - it seems like they just fall apart. I'm really worried. The
married friend says "they love (care about what happens to) their
cheater mate but they
aren't "in love" with them anymore and can never look at them the same
way. They're staying because of the child - Couldn't care less about
all the stuff - house, cars, etc." There are tons of other details to
this story - TRUELY HEARTBREAKING ONES - but knowing what you know, any
suggestions or advise you could give would be GREATLY appreciated...
Thanx in advance,
Well, this is interesting. Thanks for writing.
I feel for you. You're obviously very emotionally invested in this situation. And I'm on your side, whatever that is. :)
I can't figure out if you're the married person or the unmarried person. But the thing that really prevents my best advice is that you distilled the situation of the sexes. Trying to keep it "gender neutral/sexual preference neutral" prevents me from applying my best work, because men and women - if you haven't noticed - are entirely different beings when it comes to their relationships.
But here's what I'm thinking. (Let's see how I do.) You're female. Men for some reason really seem to understand that men and women function on completely different emotional wave lengths. Whenever I get an inquiry completely devoid of the sexes, it turns out to be from a woman who "never thought of that" whereas men do think of that. Constantly.
I'm thinking you are the unmarried person, in love with the guy who is with his wife who cheated on him. And here's why I think that - "My unmarried friend is not a cheater or homewrecker "
Homewrecker is a term women use, about women.
So I'm giving advice based on that theory. It doesn't apply if the sexes are different.
i think your married man has a combination of two things going on that prevent him from leaving his wife.
One is his daughter. Men are much worse at seeing the truth about this than women are, although both sexes suffer from irrational thought here. It is not best to stay married for the children. It fucks those children up. It teaches them very poor lifeskills starting with the guilt they will feel when they figure out their parents became miserable because of them, and ending with low self esteem from being shown that you should stay with someone that cheats on you. Men have this odd sense of responsibility that to them means the fake emotions, the pretend face, and the stable home.
The other reason that is keeping him with his wife, is that he loves her. Not just loves, but also still has romantic in love feelings for her. I know he says differently, and I know you want to believe him. But if I've learned anything over the years of dating, marriage, and writing relationship advice, it's that men tend to marry the women they really love: no matter what wrongs she commits, no matter how much he'd love to hate her, no matter who else he meets and falls for.
Men do not fall out of love the way women do. They seal off parts of it, they rearrange their feelings or compartmentalize their lives, but they tend to hold on to their loves. If she had done enough damage to him with her cheating that it was going to change his feelings for her, he would have ended it. He wouldn't have let her come back. He will say it's for the kid, but it's more than that.
He likes that you know all of this and see him as the victim, and in a way the hero. He's allowed to have his wife and you too. He has your love and devotion, even if he isn't messing around with you anymore physically.... Your devotion and acceptance puts him in a great place. He can lean on you, and you're taking nothing from him.
My advice is that this is a bad grape and you need to end it. If you really think he is more in love with you than his wife, and you want him, than you're going to have to show him he can't have it both ways. He has to make a decision. The looks, the talks, the kisses - all has to abruptly stop. No more talking. And really you should try to find another job.
And most importantly, DATE someone else. Let him see you getting flowers and calls and dressed up and picked up after work by another guy. He has aboslutely no reason to change anything until you prove to him he can't have you.
But be cautioned: the first time you go back on this, you've lost all control. He'll never respect you. You have to follow through.
If he's really got more feeling for you than his wife, he will leave her.
If he doesn't really love you, he will continue to tell you he "can't" leave her. And if that's the case you should get past him and on with your life and a chance at your own marriage, instead of just a chance at someone else's.
Well there it is. A rose by any other name, is still a rose.
What do you think? Let me here ya.
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All text is original content by Veronica
All photos are used with permission.
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